Ex P Bought Second Hand Pram

[Mumtobe799]

I’m expecting a baby soon. My ex and I split up in my first trimester and I have not spoken to him in over 3 months, all communication goes through my family.

I’ve had a really difficult pregnancy and I have suffered from significant mental health issues. My ex knows I really struggle with germs/mould and have experienced ocd anxiety and even psychosis in the past.

I’ve been buying everything for our unborn child. My ex asked my family if he could help buy anything yesterday and then today I’ve had a message saying he’s bought a pram. I was honestly shocked but very thankful as that was something I was going to buy.

I then received a picture of a well used, second hand pram purchased for maybe a 1/5th of the new price. You can clearly see mud all over the wheels and marks on the material. The pram is my ‘dream pram’ but instead of being a dark colour it’s bright white, so shows up the marks really badly.

I know I sound so ungrateful but my ex has been really negative about the pregnancy and I honestly feel like he’s purposely bought my dream pram but a well used one in bright white, knowing the white will stress me out with marks everywhere and I will feel really, really uncomfortable with the germ situation. The thought of putting my baby in it or him putting my baby in it makes me physically sick.

My ex is not struggling for money, his monthly car lease is 3x what he spent on this pram. I feel he’s bought it to say ‘look I’ve done so much’ but in reality he knows it’s a waste of money and has upset me.

He wants to upset you because he is unkind, and doesn't like you. You were together for a long time so he knows about your germ phobia, so he's deliberately done something to dig at you. Your only mistake here is expecting the sort of man who'd dump a pregnant partner, to behave in a thoughtful and caring way towards that partner.

Buy yourself a good-quality second-hand pram. See if you can get some help for your germ phobia before your baby arrives, because honestly, they are grimy little monkeys 🤣. Finally, stop expecting anything considerate from your ex, and protect yourself that way. I hope the rest of your pregnancy goes well for you.

I agree.

I used secondhand prams because they are criminally overpriced and a massive waste of money.

I never bought brand new forst prams. They're prohibitively expensive and within 10 months, they will likely be ready for a stroller.

Give it a really good clean and it will be great

My issue during my pregnancy has been feeling other people’s things are unclean.

I feel fine around my things and items I have purchased etc.

I’ve just seen so much around newborns getting illnesses and ending up seriously unwell that I would prefer brand new whilst they’re so tiny!

You just want everything to be perfect for your baby and when it doesn’t happen it’s hard

He can steam clean it

I wouldn't be happy with a marked, stained pram, nor one I would have to clean to make it usable.

If you're not happy you don't have to accept it.

I think a second hand pram is fine and getting upset over the colour is irrational, the dirt on black are as dangerous as they would be on white.

That said, if you think he’s being a twat the answer is:
’ hi ex dp, that’s great that you’ve managed to get a second hand one for your time with dc, with a good clean that will look great for you to push. Hope you’ve managed to get all the other bits you’ll need reasonably as well’

that way he doesn’t know he’s upset you and it’s clear he’ll need to provide the other bits too. If he’s as show off-y/brand conscious as you say then he won’t want to push a dirty second hand pram by himself.

You are clearly very upset with him.
Which is fine, you can be upset and angry. But is it doing you any good?

But at the end of the day, you can't change who he is, and you can't control his behaviour and his decisions.
So your anger is a waste of energy.

Accept the things you cannot change.

So much money is wasted in people over-buying, brand new stuff for babies … lots of which will hardly be used. New babies need very little, save your money for when they are older.

Second Hand is also fine, lots of financial issues for people at the moment, and nobody is doing thier child a dis-service by buying second hand. Things can be cleaned.

I think YANBU given he knows your issues with germs however I would address your OCD asap. I suffered with postnatal OCD twice and it's hell

Did you split because there was a difference of opinion regarding the baby?

There are companies online who clean prams... Send it there??

I don't have a problem with using most things second hand but I'd want a new pram. We got one where the baby can sleep in the bassinet overnight if needed. And if mattresses need to be new it made sense to me that the bassinet would need to be new as well.

Just put that one back on marketplace and buy the better condition one in the colour you like. Then he’s still contributed financially and you’ve got the one you wanted. No point getting upset about it, you already knew he was a shitty person.

He initially didn’t want the baby but then decided he did. We then had a blazing argument and haven’t spoken since. I became very unwell and I’ve spent a lot of time in hospital during my pregnancy.

I’m looking into this thank you! It would be helpful if I could have it cleaned and be able to use it.

I have had a lot of time off work due to pregnancy related illness and I’m struggling to afford everything on my own.

I only ask because it may go some way to explaining his seemingly different approach to your child with him compared to his existing children.

I don’t think you’re being unreasonable to be annoyed about the pram. It seems at best, a very half arsed gesture on his part.

I say the below not to be mean or unkind, I've been where you are. I've stressed and lost sleep over it, in the end it was pointless. DD turned out to be a strong, independent women despite all the insignificant things I worried about when she was tiny and the lack of - adequate to my expectations - effort her dad put in.

You say he has wasted money on something that won't get used ... You do understand that he will have the baby and will use a pram when baby is out with him.

Courts will expect short and regular contact to begin with, building up to longer days together when the Baby hits around 6 months / the age many start nursery and having solids. Overnights I managed to get written in didn't start until DD was 4 years.

You are no longer a couple. What he drives, wears or does is no longer your concern. What he spends his money on is nothing to do with you. You put a claim in for CMS as soon as baby is born and they will calculate what he owes you. The pregnancy is nothing to do with him until baby actually arrives.

Some babies get ill,most not seriously and this is your PFB but just put into perspectives how many second born children are around their school aged siblings.

Your bay will go yo baby groups and nursery, they'll put all sorts into their mouths it's normal. A second hand purchase bought now and given a good clean will be absolutely fine when baby arrives, nothing is going to live on it that makes baby ill

He absolutely adores his existing children, nothing is ever too much trouble for them. I have to give credit to him as he is an absolutely fantastic father to them.

I think that’s what’s so upsetting; why is my unborn baby and therefore myself ‘just not good enough’. I just feel broken.

@Mumtobe799 it says it all when he had to ask you family what to buy, rather than asking you though! dont you think???

Surely baby won’t be staying with him straight away anyway?
are you exclusively breastfeeding? You’ll need to be with baby all the time if so.

Thank you.

I’m just very emotional and very pregnant. I’m in and out of hospital all the time. I just feel shit and lonely, especially when I see (through old pictures etc) how well he treated his ex when she was pregnant.

I was in hospital for 2 months on and off and I’m still at appointments multiple times a week. He hasn’t ever asked if baby or me were ok, even when I had sepsis from an untreated infection and nearly went into labour multiple times.

Well because you broke up 🤷‍♀️

He literally left you in your first trimester and hasn't given a crap

what an arse

Get help for the germ ocd, it’s will be tough when baby comes and you realise how little you can control. You need to be prepared for that.

Marks on a pram, you’ll see how silly this is soon. Politely tell him to keep the pram for his own use and get him to give you the money or buy yourself