Ex P Bought Second Hand Pram

[Mumtobe799]

I’m expecting a baby soon. My ex and I split up in my first trimester and I have not spoken to him in over 3 months, all communication goes through my family.

I’ve had a really difficult pregnancy and I have suffered from significant mental health issues. My ex knows I really struggle with germs/mould and have experienced ocd anxiety and even psychosis in the past.

I’ve been buying everything for our unborn child. My ex asked my family if he could help buy anything yesterday and then today I’ve had a message saying he’s bought a pram. I was honestly shocked but very thankful as that was something I was going to buy.

I then received a picture of a well used, second hand pram purchased for maybe a 1/5th of the new price. You can clearly see mud all over the wheels and marks on the material. The pram is my ‘dream pram’ but instead of being a dark colour it’s bright white, so shows up the marks really badly.

I know I sound so ungrateful but my ex has been really negative about the pregnancy and I honestly feel like he’s purposely bought my dream pram but a well used one in bright white, knowing the white will stress me out with marks everywhere and I will feel really, really uncomfortable with the germ situation. The thought of putting my baby in it or him putting my baby in it makes me physically sick.

My ex is not struggling for money, his monthly car lease is 3x what he spent on this pram. I feel he’s bought it to say ‘look I’ve done so much’ but in reality he knows it’s a waste of money and has upset me.

Can it not be washed in washing machine? The fabric bits? Have you a photo?

Maybe he couldn’t afford the 1k pram. If you’ve only got 2 months left till you will need the pram it’s a lot of money to find if you’ve not got it spare so he did the next best thing and got the one you wanted (although wrong colour) secondhand. You mention he drives a luxury car but does that have a payment on it each month? He’ll have house and bills presumably to pay plus child maintenance for the children he’s already got. So he might not actually have as much money as he likes it to appear.

Stop excusing shitty male behaviour of course he should care that the mother of his unborn baby is ill

Not to the point that she's been off work and lost earnings and wants to spend a grand she hasn't got. He's not responsible for that.

He may have deliberately bought this pram to upset you but isn't it just as likely he hasn't given it that much thought? Anyway, either suggest he keeps it for when baby is with him or you take it. You can clean it/get it professionally cleaned or sell it and put the money towards the pram you want.

Also, (gently because you're obviously having a difficult pregnancy) your insistence on buying everything brand new is adding to your stress because you're spending more than you need to.

I don't think I would be asking him to buy anything. He will have to have all his own stuff at his surely? If he was planning on not being part of your child's life then yeah - he should be buying stuff. But he needs his own pram, own cot etc etc.

There is nothing wrong with second hand. It sounds like you are in danger of assuming he isn't interested because you didn't have a great separation. Before you assume he isn't bothered, remember the baby isn't here yet.

This will be difficult to navigate and it's obviously a really upsetting time for you. You are vulnerable; do yourself a favour and just leave him to it until baby is born. Then tell him but leave the ball in his court. Focus on yourself

Op I completely understand you want to get beautiful new stuff for baby, buying is part of the fun!!. It's a shame he got an unclean second hand pram.

However, baby markets and car boot sales have loads of wonderful stuff for pennies I remember at one towards the end a man was almost begging me to take a beautiful expensive brand moses basket.

The real issue here is your going to have a baby and your struggling with germs.

This will be a worry in two ways.

Firstly new born absolutely shouldn't be exposed to germs, and people with colds wanting to selfishly hold a new born so maybe it's worth working out now about visitors and people you trust who won't breathe flu all over baby.

Secondly as babies are stronger, older and start to explore the world they will ingest germs, they will make a mess they need to mush their food and experiment. They need to get lego out and continue to play with it half done the next day leaving " a mess" or art work... On your floor??

You can't burden the child and their childhood with your extreme issues so again maybe you can get something into place now to help with that.

As I’ve said I struggle with thoughts/feelings around germs and I have a lot more anxiety after getting a serious and rare bacterial infection in my second trimester. I could have lost my baby due to this infection.

It’s not that I think I’m better than second hand, it’s just after what I’ve been through and my ex knowing all of that, I thought he might be more sympathetic.

He could have spent the money on clothes instead? I would have been really appreciative of that but now I have a pram I have to either replace or pay to get cleaned when I’ve not got much disposable income after being out of work since my second trimester.

Well, she'll be giving it a wipe down every other day once the baby's here, so she needs to get used to it. I'd look at it another way. If the pram is £1000 new then he's saved her possibly £800ish.

Hopefully the op was married to the baby's father and some protections.

Sounds very sensible. Yabu. You get through a few prams in time due to the difference needs ...eg pram for a baby so they can lie down, pushchair for a toddler but can lie down to sleep then a simple pushchair that's small for an older toddler...the three I had
..all were second hand and I sold them after use for similar price I paid. Very few mums I know bought new. Waste of money.

Another idea is to just ditch his pram? You don't havr to use it or find something to line it with you can wash.

Most prams can be washed in every way.

He has done fuck all else! Why not get the pram mum wants when he can clearly afford it.

He’s done this to get at her obviously.

Op Google baby markets, honestly people don't want to go home with prams and stuff, and although he's got you a dirty second hand one most will be in good condition.

I don't think I've ever seen a white pram 🤔

If you want new that's your choice and that's ok. Prams are manky the best of times so I can imagine how a white one will look.

Get him to get it cleaned and let him have it at his place, you can always hand baby over from car seat and have your own and he can toddle off down the street pushing his white pram.

People are usually very particular when buying second hand baby stuff. Is it a bundle or just the pram? If it's a bundle then you'll need to have the car seat checked.

Speaking gently OP, is the pram really that bad, or is the OCD catastrophising about it? I’ve thought things were grim and filthy that we’re mildly scuffed but clean when mine has been bad. And it costing him a few hundred pounds if it’s filthy and in bad condition seems unlikely?

Buying someone with your kind of triggers a second hand pram seems unkind, though, whatever the condition. If I were you I’d insist on cash if he or his family offer any more “help”. And do not give this child his surname or push for contact… adopt a wait and see policy.

It sounds like your family are supportive so I’d ask one of them to please clean and sterilise the pram, then you can take a view on whether you’re happy to use it or want to sell it on.

Those of us who buy second hand are usually doing it because it's more practical, not because we care less about the baby. For some of us, spending over £1k on a pram is absolutely ridiculous (perhaps your ex feels that way). It's much more responsible and better for the baby to not 'stretch' yourself financially. Everything needs to be cleaned and sanitised anyway.

OP please tell him you don’t want it.
You don’t need to spend a grand but get something new for your peace of mind. Joie tend to be reasonable.

The issue is that he is demeaning her. She is having her first baby and is entirely focussed on this, having sacrificed her whole body and health for months as well as the financial knock on. The item he has chosen to buy will mean that she will be walking around with a baby in a tatty pram. It is humiliating. Those suggesting she clean it, or spend her money getting it cleaned. Again, a gift of a scrubbing job is humiliating. She is pregnant. I’m furious for you OP.

Thank you! Sense at last!

My baby was born weighing 2lbs and I went into multi organ failure and spent over a year after the birth in hospital with 4 months being in ICU

withnmy second child I suffered a bleed on the brain and spent nearly 6 months leaving me with life limiting chronic illnesses

I get it completely.

you said you were upset because you thought he should of brought the new oram because he brought the second hand one that he must love his other children more.

I was just saying that it doesn’t mean that at all

It just tell him to use the pram when he has the baby and buy the one you want?

the. You won’t need to worry about it so much.

We have no financial issues and could have bought new but bought many things second hand. They get used for such a short period of time and will end likely up with mud, sick and poo on them at some stage.

That’s an assumption though

I'd message and say thank you but the pram is very stained and white isn't a good idea for newborns due to sick/dirty nappies etc. Also point out that it's not in great condition so he should re-sell it and you'll buy a new one.

Keep pics of it so you can point out problems if confronted and if he comes for you defend yourself by saying you want the best for your child, just as he likes the best for himself.

Please have a thought as to if you want his name on the birth certificate if he's already using stunts like this, do you want to share parental responsibility.