DP's son making me feel like I'm in a relationship with both of them

[Dpmn553]

I hope this is in the right place. Have been with DP for 5 years. He has a 12 year old son who has always lived with him. I moved in around 1 year ago. Before I moved in my relationship with DP's son was manageable. I was like an aunt or a teacher or another influential adult in his life. But since I've moved in, my DP's son has been acting in a way that would suggest he doesn't quite understand the dynamic in the house.

For example, the other day I made myself and my DP a cup of tea and gave him a biscuit with it. His son then started asking why he wasn't also offered a biscuit- I told him he's free to take a biscuit if he wants it. In the morning on my days off I'll ask my DP what he fancies for breakfast. If DP's son is there, he'll get upset and make a point about me not asking or including him (of course I'd make everyone's breakfast in such a situation not just my DP). The dynamic is making me feel very uncomfortable.

He'll insert himself into adult conversations that don't concern him, so much so that we have to be careful what we say infront of him. He seems always to have an opinion about adult issues (mortgages, cars, medical issues) that he knows nothing about, and will offer them when me and DP are in the middle of an important discussion.

I'm probably not explaining it well. It just feels like my DP's son expects me to be treating him like another DP/exactly like his father and not the child that he is and it's creating this weird atmosphere where I cannot be myself and exist in a romantic relation with my DP.

Has anyone experienced anything similar? Is this normal?

Give the kid a bloody biscuit! 🍪

Do you have children?
Sounds like a typical know it all , near teen haha

I can't imagine offering the adults in the house a drink, meal or snack and not offering the kids either. Of course he will feel left out if he isn't offered any breakfast.

And adult conversations should be had away from the kids.

Could you describe what you think the dynamic should be like?

The examples you’ve given a pretty poor. As a mother I would ask everyone if they wanted a biscuit if I was getting one for me and my husband or if I was making breakfast. It’s pretty standard.

Erm. Why isn’t he offered a biscuit or breakfast? It sounds like you just want it to be you and your DP?

would you not offer those things to a child of your own?

all 12yos are the same with conversations.

For nearly his whole life it has been just him and his dad. The conversations where he is chiming in, he was probably used to discussing all sorts with his father. You've moved into this young boys home, taken a lot of the downtime he would normally have with his dad and expect what? For him to quietly sit in the corner?

As for the other examples you've given, he is not looking to be treated like a partner. He is looking to be treated like part of the family. He lives there too.

This. Neither of those show the DC in a bad light.

If there are two other people around then asking only one of them what they fancy for breakfast is really rude.

This response is correct, in my opinion.

I cannot imagine making drinks and food for just one person who lives in the house - why wouldn't you offer/ask the child, OP?

As for him offering opinions when you discuss issues in front of him - is this the first 12 year old boy you've met?

Why would you be giving treats in front of him and not offering him one, or offering to make whatever his dad wants only? I can see why he feels indignant. Have you children of your own? It sounds like you haven't. This child doesn't want to be your partner. He's just a little human being feeling overlooked as well he might.

Assuming he's an only child, often only children are often more adult like. If he's living with his Mother when he's not with you and your dp- he will be the main person in his DMs life and vice versa so he will used to being involved in more adult conversations than many children and will probably mature quickly as a result.

All that aside not sure why you wouldn't offer him a biscuit with his tea.

I totally agree with PP, he's trying to be included in what is his new family unit. Which would include being offered snacks and drinks etc. It's a little odd that you haven't considered this.

You moved in with them. You are the outsider. You upset their family dynamic. Try and behave as if you are a family - include everyone in conversations, meals and biscuits.

Do you have children of your own OP? I'm asking because you don't seem to understand how family dynamics work at all! You are living as a family unit now...and yet you're acting as if it's just the two of you (you and your DP) with the 12 year old having to fight desperately to feel seen or heard within this dynamic.

He shouldn't have to do this...if you're making tea and biscuits, you need to ask everyone, NOT exclude him and the tell him to get his own! This is not only rude, it's hurtful!

The same with breakfast...whoever is making breakfast should offer it for all the family...you are being very weird about this!

He's 12...he can (and should!) be included in conversations about mortgages and so on...how's he ever going to learn about these things if you shut him out??

I'm astonished that you don't see how bloody weird you are being here...and why his father isn't telling you how weird you are being!!

I was like this at 12, had an opinion on everything, things I didn't understand

My step dad acted like I was the worst person on earth who didn't know their place

If he's speaking out of turn outside of the home, around other adults, then he needs to be taught that that's not okay

But this is children, it's perfectly normal for them to be a big part of your relationship and the household, particularly at 12

If you don't like it, you shouldn't be with a man with kids

I have a 12 year old with my husband and she 'always' listens in and 'always' has an opinion. No chance of having a private conversation with another person there. And agree it's odd to make something for your dh and not offer anything to your stepson. I think you just aren't used to children and living in their home means you are walking into a specific setup - he'll be used to it just being him and his dad so there was no other dynamic. Plus he's at exactly the age where he will think he's practically an adult.

Sounds like he’s expecting you to treat him like family not a housemate.

Why would you make food for DP and not his son as well? If I had a friend or relative and their child in my house and I was making tea or food I would do it for both of them not just the adult.

How would you feel if DP made his son breakfast and not you?

I don’t have kids and even I know you don’t exclude one person.

Well the biscuit one was a terrible example, that’s a child wanting the adults in his life to care for him like they should do, you’re the one treating him like an independent adult by not offering him!

honestly op the adult conversation ones sound irritating but typical irritating tween level. He’s a child, treat him like a child, don’t make your dp breakfast and leave him out, it’s ok to also say I think this one is an adult conversation when he chimes in.

Sorry but you’re the weird one.

Typical kid that age will absolutely insert himself into adult conversations. It’s his dad’s (and yours) job to teach him not to, to teach him manners. It does also mean you don’t have certain conversations in front of him. That’s just parenting.

Making tea and bringing a biscuit for your partner but you didn’t ask the kid if he wanted anything? Just told him to get it himself? Your partner can get it himself too. And not asking what the kid wanted for breakfast while doing everyone else’s? That’s odd. If the house rule is that everyone gets their own then fine, or that he usually gets his own then find. But if you’re standing offering to make breakfast then you ask everyone in a general “what do you guys fancy” way, you don’t ignore that he is in the room.

I really do think this is you not having real experience as a parent, not raising up a kid and learning how to interact as a family. But you’re blaming the kid instead of realising that you’re being quite rude actually.

Thanks for your responses. It seems I'm being naive and unreasonable here.

Just to clarify, he doesn't drink tea. Me and my DP were working from home and I was making myself a cup of tea and asked if my DP wanted one.

Maybe, like you he's fighting for attention from his father.....he's been in his life a lot longer than you.

To me it just seems down right rude not to include the offer of food to someone living in the same house no matter what the relationship

I think as an adult you've been quite niave if you thought you could move in and treat an existing child in the house this way

He’s hoping you’ll treat him like another person.
You have been inserted into his relationship with his father and it’s you that isn’t getting the vibe of the home.

he is being a perfectly normal teenager, and you ought to be including him.

the fact you feel he is inserting himself like 'another DP' is a you issue and you need to address it. Quite frankly its bizarre you'd interpret it that way.

I think YABU.

Just because he's a child he's still a bloody human being with feelings and basic needs.