DP's son making me feel like I'm in a relationship with both of them

[Dpmn553]

I hope this is in the right place. Have been with DP for 5 years. He has a 12 year old son who has always lived with him. I moved in around 1 year ago. Before I moved in my relationship with DP's son was manageable. I was like an aunt or a teacher or another influential adult in his life. But since I've moved in, my DP's son has been acting in a way that would suggest he doesn't quite understand the dynamic in the house.

For example, the other day I made myself and my DP a cup of tea and gave him a biscuit with it. His son then started asking why he wasn't also offered a biscuit- I told him he's free to take a biscuit if he wants it. In the morning on my days off I'll ask my DP what he fancies for breakfast. If DP's son is there, he'll get upset and make a point about me not asking or including him (of course I'd make everyone's breakfast in such a situation not just my DP). The dynamic is making me feel very uncomfortable.

He'll insert himself into adult conversations that don't concern him, so much so that we have to be careful what we say infront of him. He seems always to have an opinion about adult issues (mortgages, cars, medical issues) that he knows nothing about, and will offer them when me and DP are in the middle of an important discussion.

I'm probably not explaining it well. It just feels like my DP's son expects me to be treating him like another DP/exactly like his father and not the child that he is and it's creating this weird atmosphere where I cannot be myself and exist in a romantic relation with my DP.

Has anyone experienced anything similar? Is this normal?

Sorry but a 12 year old is capable of getting his own water, making his own breakfast and should have already learnt to respect people’s private belongings…. If you die and your children behave this way towards a step parent then that’s on you for raising them to be so entitled. My daughter has been cooking for herself and me on occasions since she was 12, will make me a cup of tea well before she was 12…. We make each breakfast when we are both home…. But I wouldn’t be getting up half hour early before work to make a child a special breakfast because they think they are entitled to pancakes or a fry up everyday! I would however make sure their favourite cereal, fresh milk and bread was available for them to sort their own breakfast! This young boy seems to think OP has moved in and stepped into the role of his butler! Getting her up early, getting her to get up and down from the dinner table to get him drinks etc… he’s taking the piss and his dad should be saying ‘Billy get your own drink!’
in fact Dad should have been getting his son to lay the table, put plenty of drinks out etc long before this age. This son is going to grow into a man that bosses his future wife around, reads her phone, controls who she sees etc… and when the future wife posts on here about him we’ll all be saying LTB!

I feel terribly sorry for this boy but also understand how the op feels.
Maybe splitting up, or at least not living together, would be a good idea.
It's often a mistake to set up house with someone who has a dependent child or children. I wouldn't do it.

Good luck whatever you decide.

Not when working from home though surely!… unless it’s actually your lunch break…. I mean you literally pop out grab a drink and go back to the laptop while working, not making and taking biscuits upstairs to children who are capable of doing this for themselves?!

I don’t think you’re a failure at all! The only thing you’ve failed to do is set boundaries.
Fir the next month make it very clear before you all sit down for dinner that you are not getting back up to get anyone drinks, so if a
jug of water isn’t enough then people need to refill it themselves!

arrange a family meeting and express how you feel about things like your private phone being read, documents and say that everyone needs to respect each other, if 12 year old has his phone ask him if he would be happy if you read his phone!
on another occasion sit in the lounge and ask what people want on the shopping list… then casually drop into the conversation ‘I will no longer be making cooked breakfasts/pancakes etc for breakfast… so which cereal would you like putting on the shopping list.. set a boundary of 2 boxes and when they’re gone he can chose a different 2.. and make it clear that he can do his own breakfast because you need to get ready for work and leave, especially now it’s winter as need to de-ice car and warm it up!
Also bring up that it isn’t appropriate that he gets into your bed and if he and his father want snuggle time could they please move it into the lounge and to the sofa, but the bed is your space! Set a bedtime! For example at the moment you could say ‘right let’s all watch I’m a celebrity, then it’s bed time straight after for DP’s son, but when there’s nothing of interest on TV normal bedtime fr him is 9pm! Then he can read in bed for an hour or listen quietly to music etc…
If things don’t improve then you can continue your plan to move out, but you might find things do improve and you chose to give it longer?? I definitely think though whether you move out or not you need to set firmer boundaries between then and now.
I’m also concerned your partner doesn’t listen to you, you’ve told him how you feel, you’ve told him you’re moving out.. and he doesn’t act on this, or doesn’t believe you?!?…. This is so wrong on his part, he should be helping you address these issues… he should have told his son off for reading through your phone/papers.. he should be saying at the table ‘get your own drink’… rather than letting him boss you round… he should be getting his son to help you rather than make you more work… or if he thinks his son shouldn’t get his drinks then he should be the one getting up and down to gets him drinks, sauce etc!

going from living alone and being a guest in their house occasionally to living there and suddenly being made to feel like their washer, waitress, cleaner, chef is a huge deal and you need to put this to them in a meeting, tell them we are all either grown ups or grown ups in training, and respect is important…. Ask them both ‘do you think it’s right that people access my phone without asking, do you think it’s right to treat me like a waitress and expect me to eat my own meal cold because other people don’t want to get their own drinks…..’give him chance to correct his behaviour, not just for you but for future women he is going to date in future, I struggle to believe his dad did everything before you moved in!
and what happened before you moved in / what will happen after you’ve left with regards to mum dropping him home early when she’s had enough of parenting?! Will she drop him back to an empty house? Can he cope with that? If so when he calls just say ‘oh you’ll be fine, pop a video on till I get back!’ If he isn’t fine to be left then he needs to tell his mother that there’s no one home! If she drops him anyway and endangers him then his father needs to address how reliable him having contact with her is… she sounds neglectful and awful tbh!
maybe he wants a mother from you because she’s a dickhead!

I don’t think it is part and parcel of being involved with a man with children, it’s this child and his lack of parenting. He's an arrogant and rude little shit, no elaborate breakfasts either -direct him to making toast or cereal for himself like most people do. I wouldn’t cancel any more of your plans or make any more meals. Might be worth getting a safe for personal items and paperwork

@Dpmn553 why didnt you tell your partners son that you were not at home if he was going to be dropped off?? why dont you speak up for yourself?? you are not there to look after him and at 12 years old you can tell him off for interupting, reading private documents, demanding certain foods, hanging abour in your bedroom and generally just treating you like a skivvy! has his parents not attempted to teach him any social skills at all?? Is the son nd?? his mother should also be told that you are not at her beck and call to look after her son when she so rarely does it!! I cannot believe that your partner is expecting you to run around after his son like this without saying anything to him!! seems like the son's wants and wishes will always take precedence over yours!

If I have time to make something for myself, I have time to make another cuppa, or pour juice while the kettle is coming to the boil. Sometimes the children will come down, especially if I call, ‘your drink is ready’ and sometimes I’ll take it up. It’s important not to sit too long and a run up and downstairs gets the blood moving. If I were working in an office, or other environment, I’d be entitled to breaks for lunch and tea and I’m damn sure I’ll take breaks at home.
Equally, if the children are downstairs, I can ask them to bring me something without them feeling it’s all one way and they are just servants, which is what my mother did to me. Queen bee sitting, pointing and having everyone running after her, for things she could do for herself. We are family. We do for each other.

I'd love to be a fly on the wall when OP has moved out....to see his dad get up early and make little lord font his special cooked breakfast!! I'd bet my life no breakfast will be cooked by the father!!@

@Dpmn553

Yes I have told DP. He didn't seem please but I don't think he believes me. There's been no talk of splitting up, just living separately.

I feel like a failure regardless of the outcome. It's really been an awful few days.

You are NOT a failure!!! You tried doing what DP wanted (namely everything), it doesn't work for you. That's not failing. Failing would be wearing yourself to a frazzle trying to cater to your DSS. Failure is your DP not stepping up and doing what he's been only too happy to delegate to you!

I do think you need to realize, however, that your relationship will most likely not survive your moving out. Once you're gone, DP will consider that you've 'abandoned' him and his son and start looking around for another 'nanny with a fanny'. He doesn't want to carry that load himself, someone else must do it because after all, it's a 'woman's job'.

Ah OP I'm sorry. He sounds like my DSD at that age. I can't say it in real life but I can admit it here; she was a massive PITA. If it had been possible I would have moved out. She was really unbearable. I hope things get better for you.

I know. I was defending posters who responded to the op before the details were added later, who might have responded differently with the extra information.

Well in OP’s scenario she’s been appointed the scivvy with the partners son being the queen bee getting her to fetch and carry for him!! He doesn’t seem the sort to make her a cup of tea EVER….
He also seems the sort that’s better left undisturbed or he’d come down and make other demands of her! She’d never get work done.
He sounds very entitled

He’s 12 years old, from a broken home with a mother he rarely sees who just dumps him back without being sure anyone is going to be there at his father’s . He might act entitled, but if his father and mother have abdicated parenting, he could just be lacking the social skills. If he’s been mostly around adults, he will copy them and needs guidance as to what is age appropriate.
He does not need vilified at 12. If he were 17 or more, sure, but as a young dependent, he isn’t used to a woman in the house and could well be trying to be a family , which is a damn sight nicer than being deliberately nasty. His attempts to be included are normal for a child who feels insecure. He can be told, No, I’m not cooking breakfast today. Can you get yourself some cereal etc? Sometimes kids push boundaries. It’s part and parcel of growing up and when it’s not family, can be especially jarring.
It’s not a reason to call him names. A little understanding might be in order.

We only have one side in snapshots. The Op is doing nothing wrong. That does not mean the boy is an enemy. He’s part of the family of his father, her bf. A bit she doesn’t want.

The boy probably is happy to have a family, but needs to know the boundaries. The father is just going with his own flow.

I wonder what the responses would have been if the OP was a man wanting the GF but not her child

No to the breakfast. Also, it should be an understanding that if you are moving in to a house with children, the adults should have some authority to say no to oddball requests or the kids start to rule the roost. If it has just been dp and his son for a ling time it sounds like he has brought him up as a friend and not a parent son relationship. You can untangle this, my friend untangled this and put in strict rules but her partner agreed, things like no we will not be serving you like slaves, you will take your plates out and helo wash up. It takes a lot of work and tbh it sounds like you are not up for the challenge, and a huge challenge it is. I am not often up for the challenge in my own house tbh and want to run away. But as a parent I have to do it