DP's son making me feel like I'm in a relationship with both of them

[Dpmn553]

I hope this is in the right place. Have been with DP for 5 years. He has a 12 year old son who has always lived with him. I moved in around 1 year ago. Before I moved in my relationship with DP's son was manageable. I was like an aunt or a teacher or another influential adult in his life. But since I've moved in, my DP's son has been acting in a way that would suggest he doesn't quite understand the dynamic in the house.

For example, the other day I made myself and my DP a cup of tea and gave him a biscuit with it. His son then started asking why he wasn't also offered a biscuit- I told him he's free to take a biscuit if he wants it. In the morning on my days off I'll ask my DP what he fancies for breakfast. If DP's son is there, he'll get upset and make a point about me not asking or including him (of course I'd make everyone's breakfast in such a situation not just my DP). The dynamic is making me feel very uncomfortable.

He'll insert himself into adult conversations that don't concern him, so much so that we have to be careful what we say infront of him. He seems always to have an opinion about adult issues (mortgages, cars, medical issues) that he knows nothing about, and will offer them when me and DP are in the middle of an important discussion.

I'm probably not explaining it well. It just feels like my DP's son expects me to be treating him like another DP/exactly like his father and not the child that he is and it's creating this weird atmosphere where I cannot be myself and exist in a romantic relation with my DP.

Has anyone experienced anything similar? Is this normal?

You're the interloper OP. Not the poor child. You sound like an unsuitable future stepmother, so hopefully you won't be.

I think you've used confusing examples but I'm kind of getting the idea; he doesn't seem to understand the relationship you have with his dad is different to the relationship you have with him? He thinks he has equal privileges. You feel unsettled and not sure where you fit in either.

Is that the case? If yes I can relate. I felt similar with my DP's daughter, she seemed to think we were asking her permission all the time about stuff.

My advice is with everyone feeling unsettled and insecure the best way you can reassure everyone is with consistency, reassurance and patience. Rules about bedtime. New traditions eg. a particular drink for dss when you're both having tea, dedicated alone time for him and his dad.

Also he's at a VERY annoying age - the butting in, being a know it all is fairly common.

I think you’re overlooking the fact that you’ve become part of their family. Your DP and SS come as a package. He sounds like a very normal child and one who is adjusting to the dynamic in his home changing. You need to include him more and make a big effort to build a relationship with him, why not start by asking him what he’d like for breakfast and showing that you care about him too, not just his Dad. You’ve moved into his home and he’s not an annoying add on, or if he is then this isn’t the relationship for you as they come as a pair. I appreciate it’s challenging and kids can be annoying especially if you don’t have any of your own but this is life living with a child and you have a duty to make sure you build a good relationship with your SS so he’s happy in his home too.

If I'm making tea and asking one person a question, I ask the same question to all in the house.
Same with dinner, lunch, breakfast.

You chose to enter into a relationship with a father. You have now imposed yourself on his child in the child’s home.
Take a parenting course or move out and go back to dating.

You have moved in and completely changed his world... he is trying so hard to be included. His behaviour sounds needy because he feels insecure and wants to maintain the close relationship he had with his father.
He seems respectful and could be showing his insecurity in much more extreme and destructive ways.
He is still a little boy with a lot to learn.
Please be considerate.

But he wasn't offered breakfast! Who does that?

And what does his father say/do?

This is a parenting issue, therefore a ‘your DP’ issue, not really a 12-year-old issue.

Is there any reason why your DP isn’t firmer with him over his reaction to the things you do when he’s not there? He sounds insecure and the way to deal with that effectively is actually having strong boundaries, not hiding and pandering to his emotions.

Sounds like he's feeling insecure and gets the feeling you're trying to edge him out. You know trying to relegate him to the background and being quite obvious that you feel your relationship with his Dad is more important than his own relationship with his Dad. Do you loudly comment that your going out with his Dad when he's with his mum, etc ??

He wants you to become a family. You are essentially a step parent. But you actively exclude him from conversations, offers of breakfast, tea, and even bloody biscuits! Like he's some kind of inconvenient roommate. Poor boy.

You have entered this boy's home with his father, his family, and you expect him to just stay silent and look after himself?

You are a mother figure to him. And you are doing a woeful job at it. This is why you need to be careful having relationships with men who have kids. What does his father say about all this? He should be protecting him, not whispering in corners with his girlfriend.

.... so you ask the son if he wants a drink. Goodness me

I mean you just lack basic manners, are you even British? Not offering biscuits and beverages to everyone when making tea!

i also don’t understand the breakfast thing either someone is making meals for the household or everyone is sorting themselves out. Would you seriously make yourself and your DP lunch and not sort out his son.

*I hope this is in the right place. Have been with DP for 5 years. He has a 12 year old son who has always lived with him. I moved in around 1 year ago. Before I moved in my relationship with DP's son was manageable. I was like an aunt or a teacher or another influential adult in his life. But since I've moved in, my DP's son has been acting in a way that would suggest he doesn't quite understand the dynamic in the house.
*

Reading this and the comment about ‘existing in a romantic relation with your DP’ I think you’re taking your DPs son’s attitude as if he thinks you’re in a romantic type relationship with him as well. But you are the one who has completely misunderstood the dynamics. Before you were an aunt figure, however now you live with him and you’re his step mum, you’re now a mum figure. So of course he expects you to offer him breakfast or a drink, because that’s what a parent would do. You’ve joined a family OP, not just your partner. You either need to decide to be a proper part of that family or leave, because it’s clear that child can see you treat him as a inconvenience, otherwise he wouldn’t be pointing out when you don’t offer him a biscuit/breakfast or don’t want him to join in with conversations (any conversation you don’t want a child being part of just don’t have around them). It’s you who needs to adjust expectations here.

To be perfectly honest, from what you've written and the examples given it sounds like your partner's son is behaving exactly how I'd expect a 12 year old to behave in his own home.
The unusual dynamic is coming from how you're treating him. What you've written sounds like you're deliberately excluding him.
He's only 12 and he's had a huge life changing event to adjust too with you moving in to his home. He wants to feel secure, comfortable and included in what should be his safe space.
Offer him a biscuit, include him in the breakfast plans, include him in conversations (& have private conversations with your DP, in private!).
You need to adapt to him as you're the one who has changed the dynamic of his home/relationship with his father. His behaviour is perfectly normal for a 12 year old, your viewing it as him wanting to be treated as if he's your partner is not normal.
Adapt or move out!

It sounds like you resent the poor boy living in his own home, with his own father.
What do you hope to achieve? Drive him out of the house? Fend for himself completely independently?
You really need to buck your behaviour and attitudes up.

Do you struggle with the change from ‘days SS is not here’ and ‘days he is here’? Is that where the forgetting to offer food and drink comes from - you’re in a pattern you can’t break out of when he’s not with you both?

Do you like boundaries and rules?

Lucked · Today 12:17

I mean you just lack basic manners, are you even British

Yeah, cos foreigners all lack manners, obviously 🙄

People are going to carry on fixating on the biscuit OP. Some people are incapable of seeing the bigger picture.

The other examples pretty much paint a kid who's feeling insecure and is being a bit dominating.

Does his dad have one on one time with him. Just him and kid?

I haven’t RTFT but have a heart - of course you’re in a relationship with both members of your new family. I am a parent and I also have a partner with children. If I offer my partner anything like a drink or a snack, of course I also extend the invitation to any children within ear shot.

Likewise, if we’re having a conversation with the kids around, of course they’re included in it if they want to be. It’s just basic love and warmth.

This is such a normal part of preteen life and something all parents deal with. It’s irritating when they’re your own nevermind when they’re not but you have to make the call on whether you can manage this, it’s not up to DSS to adapt his normal behaviours to suit you. You could talk to DP about setting aside some dedicated grown up time, maybe book some time off work together when DSS is at school or go on date nights.

Wanting to stay up is totally normal for kids too! And being up until midnight if they can get away with it. Children don't voluntarily go to bed most times.

His dad needs to be a bit firm about the bedtime.

You don't have to tell him what your doing while he is at his mums if it doesn't involve him. That doesn't mean hide it but is it necessary to mention unless he asks?

And yes you are the one who is in the wrong!

That's not a rude child.

Thats a child who lived alone with his dad for a long time and is now scared that his place as the person his dad spent time with has been taken by you.

He's insecure. He needs love, and time. Not criticism or judgement.

My DD is almost 10 and is very similar.

Shes my DD so I have no qualms telling her to mind her business or stop talking about things she knows nothing about. I appreciate that's a little more difficult with your situation though!

I have no advice just didnt want to read and run as I think most posters have missed the point of your thread.

My DD will eavesdrop on my conversations and then repeat what I have said, but she makes it out like it's her own thought 😅 despite her not having a clue what shes talking about

From what you’ve described it sounds like you are leaving him out. I would ask everyone what they wanted for breakfast etc

most teenagers have opinions and generally don’t know anything about it, adult conversations should be held away from him.

It looks as if you're the one who's 'misunderstood the dynamics', OP.

I'm getting a sense that you expect it to be all about you and dp and for his son to 'know his place'.

You're the newbie. Not him. It's for you to adapt. Not him.

Does your dp know you're thinking like this? If I were him and I learned of it, I'm afraid you'd be moving out again.