DP's son making me feel like I'm in a relationship with both of them

[Dpmn553]

I hope this is in the right place. Have been with DP for 5 years. He has a 12 year old son who has always lived with him. I moved in around 1 year ago. Before I moved in my relationship with DP's son was manageable. I was like an aunt or a teacher or another influential adult in his life. But since I've moved in, my DP's son has been acting in a way that would suggest he doesn't quite understand the dynamic in the house.

For example, the other day I made myself and my DP a cup of tea and gave him a biscuit with it. His son then started asking why he wasn't also offered a biscuit- I told him he's free to take a biscuit if he wants it. In the morning on my days off I'll ask my DP what he fancies for breakfast. If DP's son is there, he'll get upset and make a point about me not asking or including him (of course I'd make everyone's breakfast in such a situation not just my DP). The dynamic is making me feel very uncomfortable.

He'll insert himself into adult conversations that don't concern him, so much so that we have to be careful what we say infront of him. He seems always to have an opinion about adult issues (mortgages, cars, medical issues) that he knows nothing about, and will offer them when me and DP are in the middle of an important discussion.

I'm probably not explaining it well. It just feels like my DP's son expects me to be treating him like another DP/exactly like his father and not the child that he is and it's creating this weird atmosphere where I cannot be myself and exist in a romantic relation with my DP.

Has anyone experienced anything similar? Is this normal?

He’s 12, of course he’s arguing about bedtime. I work in secondary and lots of the kids are up ridiculously late gaming.

Not liking you doing things when he’s not there is most likely just that he’s feeling a bit put out by having his dad’s girlfriend move in. Your partner needs to make sure he’s still doing plenty of stuff with just his son that you aren’t involved in. He sounds like he’s become a bit insecure having you move in which is completely understandable. It was his home first, he just needs reassurance from his dad that he’s still the priority when he’s there.

It sounds like you wanted to move in with a single man and have a honeymoon period where you only need to look after each others needs. If that's the case you should have looked elsewhere because this man has a child, so by moving in you have become part of a family. It sounds like your fixation on having a romantic relationship is pushing the poor boy out of that family unit, so it's no wonder he's pushing back a bit. I feel really sorry for him, and I am actually surprised he is not acting out more. You need to have a hard think about adapting your behaviour to accommodate him more or moving on and letting him have his Dad back.

Yeah, this sums it up.

Try being a bit kinder / more inclusive to the poor kid.

Can you imagine how you'd feel being in a house with two other people and one of them only ever offered things like cups of tea / biscuits etc to the other person?

And yeah, just have adult conversations when he's not around. I've got kids, I know it's hard, but it's just how it is.

i have never said this before in the 18 years i've been on here under various names.. i actually feel sorry for this poor lad.

You've been part of his life for 5 years, and you're still treating him like an annoying pet thats getting in the way.

He is a whole person who also lives with you, treat him like one.

Well he's your partner's son so yes, you should have a good relationship with his son. As posters say, he's clearly very close to his dad and you have to bear it in mind how you include him in your new family.

OP I am sorry but you have this all wrong. When you moved in you became part of an existing family, where the children are /should be a huge priority. You are now a mother by default. Not a partner, the dynamics have shifted but it seems you haven't grasped your role yet.

Then it wouldn’t have hurt you to say “Do you want a biscuit, Dss?”

Why did you not ask DP's son what he wants for breakfast, if you are doing breakfast? Very odd. And you made DP and self a drink and biscuits and did not include the child? How odd. I'm not surprised he feels left out, you are treating him as if he does not exist. Give him a bloody biscuit and ask what he wants for breakfast.
Don't talk about adult finances etc in front of children.

DP's son's behaviour is quite normal btw. It's you who are being odd.

You are in a relationship with them both and always will be. You've descended on his home, you take his dad's attention and the dynamics will now be hugely different there than what he's been used to. Make a pal of him, chat to him and include him. Or call time on the whole lot and find someone without children in tow. But please be warmer to him, it sounds like he's picking up on you just tolerating him rather than enjoying being part of your DPs family.

It doesn’t sound like he’s trying to be in the relationship, he’s trying to be a member of the family? I’m sorry but it’s not just you and DP as a couple and he’s some kind of outsider? He’s a member of the family and is likely feeling a little insecure that’s he’s being ousted a bit.

' I cannot be myself and exist in a romantic relation with my DP.' - WTAF? You came into THEIR family unit, the child has the right to be himself at home, ask questions, 'intrude' into your conversations. You sound like a horrible stepmother, who doesn't want him there. Go away and find a childless bloke for yourself or just accept the fact that your DP has a child and learn to love him.

BTW, you are in a relationship with both of them. One is romantic /sexual. The other is a step parent, or adult friend if you would prefer.

This is weird. Give the kid a biscuit. Make him breakfast.

Your husband can sort his own food.

Very strange.

Make your DP a hot drink, offer him a soft drink, biscuits all round.

I don't think your DP's son doesn't understand the dynamic, it's you. They are a family, always have been and you are now part of the family. You don't say step son, you say DP's son as if you don't have a relationship with him. You are now a step mum. If you can't accept that, you need to find someone else who doesn't have child/children from a prior relationship.

Sorry another one here that thinks the only person who is actually struggling with the dynamic is you.

All perfectly normal for a 12 year old living with only one parent (or even with both parents at home). You have moved into his family home, not the other way round.

I don't really have any advice, but it does make me feel very sorry for the son. I would kindly suggest you need to work out whether you really want to sign up to living together with your partner. Doesn't mean you have to split up but all children have a right to feel secure, loved and welcome in their own homes.

I see where you're coming from but it would be helpful if you could offer a few more examples of this behaviour?

Perhaps it's the examples you've chosen, because in the situations you've described I'd find it odd that you didn't offer both people present a biscuit or breakfast. Also that if you're having conversations openly in front of a child in that child's home, you'd expect them not to join in. I get it can be annoying when precocious pre teens have an opinion on everything under the sun, but including them in conversation is important to their learning, and DC who are encouraged to participate with adults are typically more confident and have better social skills. So I'd keep private stuff to when he's not around and accept that when there's three people in the room there's three in the conversation.

Spot on.

Assuming the three of you were in the same room, it is really, really weird that you got yourself and dp a biscuit, but not the child.
In no situation or dynamic where I am with three people, be it friends, family, or colleagues in the staff room, would I get myself and one other a biscuit and not offer to the third.

Also in terms of the “adult” conversations, if you’re having them around him, what exactly expect him to do? Just sit there silently whilst you two chat away? I get that his opinions/him not really knowing anything about the content may be a little annoying or cringe but he’s 12 for gods sake, what do you expect?

This is how living with kids is like. What did you expect? Children need a lot of attention and guidance. If he interrupts important conversations it's his dad job to explain to him why it's not appropriate or you need to find alone time to talk. That's what parenting is like.
It's never going to be a smooth sailing and it's never going to be just about you and DP as long as his son is living with you. You either accept it and work on it with your DP or you have to leave and find someone child free.
Too many children are pushed aside and left to feel like second best in their own homes just because adults prioritise their new relationship.

I think you had unrealistic expectations going in. What you envisioned was being a couple, with the occasional kid appearance thrown in. What happened is you joined a family and became part of that family.

I can actually sympathise with OP on some of this - my DP’s DD(15) will hang around us and join in conversations, often trying to create a debate and will refuse to take anyone else’s opinion into account other than her own. I put this down to her age, I’m pretty sure I was similar when I was a teenager - thought I knew everything! She’s into music but is a proper music snob, laughing at anyone whose taste in music she feels is inferior to hers and finding it incredulous if someone hasn’t heard of some obscure b-side from an unknown indie band from the 90s 🙄 I have to keep reminding her that we didn’t have the ability (or the inclination) to obsessively google or stream stuff back then!

It can be frustrating as I only stay at DP’s a couple of times a month (when my kids are at their dad’s) so I sometimes feel like we never have an evening alone. His kids always seem to be at his house even when they’re meant to be at their mum’s and we are always having to cancel dates etc to accommodate this.
Honestly, I do grumble to DP on occasion but on the whole, I bite my tongue and just get on with it. We’ve been together 5 years and very rarely have time alone together. If we do have an odd night away together, he’ll feel bad that he’s away without his kids and they’ll be phoning and texting him the whole time!

Having said that, I’d never make a meal or even a drink and snacks and leave the kids out that’s just weird. If you had a friend over, you’d never just make a drink for your DP and not them? Regardless of whether or not they drink tea, you’d still offer surely?
It’s such a difficult situation to navigate. We never get married and have children expecting to become a step family at some point in the future!

He sounds like a normal kid!
I always offer whichever child is around if im making a drink or getting a snack. It's weird not to.

They also always have something to say when we are talking about mortgages, bills and so on.

It's actually a good opportunity to teach them a few things about the responsibilities of adult life!

Are you used to being around children his age?

I missed whether you answered if you have kids?