DP's son making me feel like I'm in a relationship with both of them

[Dpmn553]

I hope this is in the right place. Have been with DP for 5 years. He has a 12 year old son who has always lived with him. I moved in around 1 year ago. Before I moved in my relationship with DP's son was manageable. I was like an aunt or a teacher or another influential adult in his life. But since I've moved in, my DP's son has been acting in a way that would suggest he doesn't quite understand the dynamic in the house.

For example, the other day I made myself and my DP a cup of tea and gave him a biscuit with it. His son then started asking why he wasn't also offered a biscuit- I told him he's free to take a biscuit if he wants it. In the morning on my days off I'll ask my DP what he fancies for breakfast. If DP's son is there, he'll get upset and make a point about me not asking or including him (of course I'd make everyone's breakfast in such a situation not just my DP). The dynamic is making me feel very uncomfortable.

He'll insert himself into adult conversations that don't concern him, so much so that we have to be careful what we say infront of him. He seems always to have an opinion about adult issues (mortgages, cars, medical issues) that he knows nothing about, and will offer them when me and DP are in the middle of an important discussion.

I'm probably not explaining it well. It just feels like my DP's son expects me to be treating him like another DP/exactly like his father and not the child that he is and it's creating this weird atmosphere where I cannot be myself and exist in a romantic relation with my DP.

Has anyone experienced anything similar? Is this normal?

Why would you offer DP a biscuit and ignore his son? Of course you should have offered him one too. Same with breakfast. This is basic stuff. Maybe save the grown up, mortgage talk for when he's out of ear shot.

The thing I was going to add is that you're not wrong for finding it annoying - it's totally reasonable to find it irritating.

I have a preteen too and DH and I can't have a proper conversation any more as he just wants to be part of it but he doesn't understand it properly and it's tedious having to explain it all to him etc.

I can imagine that someone else's child is even more annoying.

But that just is life with kids - they are annoying sometimes and if you are joining a household with children, you can't expect it to be the same as an adult only household. It's not ok to expect him not to join in conversations in his own home or to not include him in what's for breakfast/dinner chat.

You're better off than many stepparents as he spends time with his mum and is presumably off doing things with friends and things as well so you do get time without him.

If you don't think you can handle it, it might be better to go back to living separately

And just to add you're a prime example why blended families get such a bad rep.
There is too many people like you and your DP who think they can just prioritise their relationship and keep kids separate from it.
That's not how it works. Once you move in together you're a blended family and meeting everyone's needs and expectations becomes a balancing act. That requires effort, maturity and sacrifice. Often prioritising safety and healthy development of the children has to come first because they are vulnerable and dependent.
People who can't do that or who can't find genuine care and affection for partner's children should not move together until kids are adults.

Sorry but I think you are the problem and not the child.

You moved into his home, with his father, who he has had all to himself for many years. You should be offering him a biscuit, you should be offering him a drink, you should be asking him what he would like for dinner.

You shouldn't be discussing in front of him what you and DP are going to do together when he has gone to his mums. I mean, why are you? of course he is going to be feeling a bit insecure and left out.

You chose to continue this relationship and move forwards with it (moving in) knowing full well your DP and his son come as a package. You can't now complain that he is there, getting involved. You want to be part of the family, no?

Yikes, normal household dynamics are that everyone gets a flipping biscuit.

Are you really that thick that this is all you took from that whole post? Or are you just doing that typical ‘hover over the ‘new posts’ like a total weirdo desperate to set the tone on a thread’ thing that’s so bloody common here. It’s like you have to get right in there as fast as you can and be an arse like your life depends on it.

This is normal family life.
You can't expect a 12 year old to play with his toys in the corner, he's not a small child. Downstairs is the family area, don't have chats about politics if you don't want him to join in. Teens go to bed later than you. It can be frustrating not to have much couple time for all types of families. Ways to carve out time include going out and dates, facilitating the ss social life so he's out with friends, going to bed and watching a film together. But doing things jointly as a family is completely normal.

Bloody hell, I offer anyone in our house the same thing, whether or not they are family! Especially family!

By the same token, why can't your partner get himself a biscuit? It's a gesture.

He's picked up on your territorial approach (sorry, not sure what else to call it) and he's trying to prevent his being edged out in the ways available to him as a child. The less you dig your heels in about you and dp being a United Front of the Adults in the House versus him, The Child, and the more understanding you show to him and respect you show to the long-standingness and closeness of his relationship with his father, the sooner this will pass.

It is his house and his father. You have joined. You are the outsider. This is not 'your romantic relationship.' This is you taking on a man who has a child, which means that your relationship doesn't just have two people in it.

He sounds like a typical 12 year old boy, just wanting to be a part of the new family dynamic.
YABU

I think it's obvious you don't have children of your own, the way he is acting is completely normal family dynamics it is your behaviour that is off.

OK, so I've just seen he spends time with his mum. So plenty of couple time, more than most families. I'm a lone parent, OP, no days off ever. YABU

Your approach is quite rude and demeaning. If you want a private adult conversation with your DH, have it privately, not in the same room as her.

Children learn from having conversations with adults and sometimes it's good to hear their perspective.

Instead of telling your DD she doesn't know what she's talking about (how dismissive), maybe explain your thoughts/the facts of the situation, etc.

You're the interloper I'm afraid. You have time together as a couple, you can't come in after a year and expect the dynamic to change for this boy. YABU.

What is the situation that he’s living full time with your DP? Does he see his mum? Often times in situations like this the parent and child can develop a relationship where they almost feel like equals which could be part of the dynamic that’s playing out. I get what you’re driving at here OP that it almost feels like they both feel like you’re their partner.

Sounds like a normal 12 year old to me. the days of children being seen and not heard are thankfully and hopefully long gone. Why would you not include him automatically when you are doing drinks and biscuits and what are you teaching him by leaving him out, that he doesn't matter? As for the conversations have then when he doing other stuff

Poor child.

He doesn't like the idea of me and DP going out for a coffee or a meal alone if he's at him mum's or friend's house so we have to hide it from him

🤣🤣

Now you've decided to use another example - yes, you're right, this ^ is not right

However, I expect the poor lad feels so left out when he's not even offered a drink or a biscuit, that he's jealous and paranoid

Just to say that this is my dd. DH and I still together. Only child after years of trying. She doesn’t like to miss out on anything so often if we do stuff we don’t tell her! We come as a 3. It’s a bit ridiculous and very much our own fault as she has been so included in stuff being an only child. Perhaps with your DP and son it’s been a similar set up with him being included a bit too much in things as they were a 2 and now you are in the home too it’s hard to change.

Hopefully you're not one of those people that also thinks school should teach their children more practical "skills " like saving, budgeting,mortgages ,pensions etc.

This lad has lived with his father his whole life. He is his whole world. You've moved in. You are the newbie, the interloper not him.
Yes of course he shouldnt jump into conversations he isnt part of because that is rude. But if you are making a cup of tea, offering a biscuit to your dp - why on earth would you not also offer one to the boy as well. Hes a child. He lives there. He needs you to mother him a bit not treat him like a spare part that no longer belongs because you've moved in.
Also if you want some alone time with your dp I think you also need to be sure to allow alone time for your dp and his son. His son is bound to be grieving for that 1:1 bond they shared for so many years before and will now feel pushed out. As well as that I would also make a point of trying to find some way to connect with him 1:1 yourself - find a shared interest, a hobby or maybe a school subject you can help him with.

I think the bit about the biscuit is the crux. OP is ignoring the boy's existence and behaving as if he is an intruder in his own home. The bit about not offering him a biscuit sums up her attitude exactly.

Sorry but it sounds like you try to excluded him with petty things like not offering a biscuit or breakfast, this is just basic manners. Surprised his dad is not speaking up. Maybe you should move out.

Tea’s fine. I can’t think of a 12-year-old who wouldn’t like a biscuit though. My children would just have taken one at that age. It is telling that your stepson doesn’t know that he can. You need to do more work on how your new little family functions to help him feel comfortable with the dynamics and build a proper relationship with him. He and his father come as a package, so in that sense you ARE in a relationship with both of them.