DP's son making me feel like I'm in a relationship with both of them

[Dpmn553]

I hope this is in the right place. Have been with DP for 5 years. He has a 12 year old son who has always lived with him. I moved in around 1 year ago. Before I moved in my relationship with DP's son was manageable. I was like an aunt or a teacher or another influential adult in his life. But since I've moved in, my DP's son has been acting in a way that would suggest he doesn't quite understand the dynamic in the house.

For example, the other day I made myself and my DP a cup of tea and gave him a biscuit with it. His son then started asking why he wasn't also offered a biscuit- I told him he's free to take a biscuit if he wants it. In the morning on my days off I'll ask my DP what he fancies for breakfast. If DP's son is there, he'll get upset and make a point about me not asking or including him (of course I'd make everyone's breakfast in such a situation not just my DP). The dynamic is making me feel very uncomfortable.

He'll insert himself into adult conversations that don't concern him, so much so that we have to be careful what we say infront of him. He seems always to have an opinion about adult issues (mortgages, cars, medical issues) that he knows nothing about, and will offer them when me and DP are in the middle of an important discussion.

I'm probably not explaining it well. It just feels like my DP's son expects me to be treating him like another DP/exactly like his father and not the child that he is and it's creating this weird atmosphere where I cannot be myself and exist in a romantic relation with my DP.

Has anyone experienced anything similar? Is this normal?

But the 12 year could have been offered a biscuit even if he doesn’t drink tea?

This. And adult conversations should be help away from children.

Op has already addressed this. She and her DP were WFH, she asked her DP if he wanted a tea.
There is an option to 'see all' posts from the OP at the bottom right of the first post.

If you read the posts correctly you'll find the child wasn't even in the same room op and partner were in the office child was in another room, she made herself and partner tea and a biscuit, she shouldn't have to go round house locating the child to ask if he wants a biscuit!! Iam sure little lord font can get his own biscuit when he's ready.
Quite frankly the child sounds a monster I couldn't of put up with his behaviour for a minute. His father is to blame for his lack of discipline

The biggest issue here is your lack of boundaries. That is not going to change by moving out. You'll just take that with you.

What I find mind blowing is that apparently everyone in the house has to be asked if they want a cup of tea and a biscuit! Sorry but in our house we don't go knocking on doors to ask if people want a brew and a biscuit or we would be doing it all day.

Plus didn't the OP say he doesn't drink tea? They're having a quick tea and biscuit while WFH. Surely a 12 year old boy can come downstairs and make himself a juice if he wants one. Does everyone make their almost teenagers drinks all day? If he's downstairs fair enough but she's not there to be bloody room service!

I think people need to read the full thread. Sounds like the OP is doing more than her fair share in the house. Honestly some of these replies.

Unfortunately the detail about the son not being present when biscuits were offered was not in the OP. People read the OP and responded. It read as though they were all together. Plus now it seems the biscuit and joining conversations are not the biggest issues anyway. It would help if relevant details came out at the start.

If I’m making a cuppa, I’ll go to the bottom of the stairs and call, I’m putting the kettle on, does anyone want anything. If my son is putting the kettle on or making coffee, he will come through and ask me

The OP was over a week ago we are now on page 25. It's fair to assume that in the OP's following posts more information might have been given, or made clearer.
It's easy to just read the OP's posts.
Although it seems it's easier to just read the first one and pile in.

Cba with the drip feed, responded to the first post

I mean, I think your examples are pretty rude on your part. It's rude to do things for yourself and your partner if someone else is around, even if it's a child. And I agree that it's not your job as a stepmother to make the kid's breakfast as a chore in itself, but it's rude to offer to make something nice for your partner and nothing for anyone else around.

With the conversations issue, you're not being rude at least. But he sounds like a normal 12 year old who just needs reminding that he isn't an adult. You can absolutely tell them him that you're having an adult conversation and not a whole family one (in a nice way). Or if the issue is that he's always there, you can tell him that you need to talk to his dad and can he go and occupy himself somewhere else for a while. But truly important conversations are best had when he's not around, or sometimes you and partner could leave the room to have them.

With the "doing stuff when he's not around", do you do stuff with him when he's there? I obviously don't mean going on romantic dates with him, but do you go out for coffee or a meal as a three, or whatever else he's complaining about. Or do you only do that stuff as a couple? It's not surprising he's upset if he feels like you're saving up fun stuff to do as soon as he's off at his mum's.

If you do genuinely do exactly the same things when he's away as when he's there and he just has a general FOMO, you just need to be kind but firm with him. Our normal routine carries on when you're not around, and that's OK.

If you read the subsequent posts it does mention it. Admittedly it wasn't in the first one. If people want to comment on something though with all the current facts. You can click see all and read them quite easily. It's difficult to remember every detail sometimes especially when most write here when their at their wits ends at times.
Compassion it seems is a very rare commodity on the Internet.

Actually no I wouldn’t get up half an hour early to make my child or a step child an elaborate breakfast… I’d be telling them to do themselves toast or cereal! How did he manage before you lived there? Also when mum has him for the weekend if she gets called to work and Dad is busy then it’s her responsibility to find alternative childcare, she shouldn’t be expecting you to cover ! I’d have probably said you wouldn’t be home and he couldn’t be left so she needed to find other childcare!
I couldn’t take on a stepchild, that’s not a flaw, I just couldn’t… and never would…. You’ve learnt that it’s a deal breaker for you, and you’re making plans to move out again. I hope you manage to go back to the way things were before and see each other when the boy is at his friends or relatives.
These things don’t always work out, but you tried!

well done for being honest about not being able to do it!…
what did your partner say when you told him you’ll be moving out in the new year?

The issue is the ex is not in much contact with with DP, and has no contact with me. So she instructed DP's son to call us telling us he's coming back home. DP wasn't home, and when I suggested I might not be either, DP's son asked me "so who will take care of me". Thankfully (or not?) he doesn't see his mum often so it isn't a regular occurrence, but happens most of the time he's with her (never knowing exactly when he's coming back or how he's coming back, being told one thing then having plans change etc).

Yes I have told DP. He didn't seem please but I don't think he believes me. There's been no talk of splitting up, just living separately.

I feel like a failure regardless of the outcome. It's really been an awful few days.

Your not a failure. It seems your Dp hasnt been supportive of the transition for both you and his son.
If there is a failure in this situation it is him.

That’s not the boys fault. He’s in the middle there too. It’s his parents need to ensure he doesn’t return until his dad is there.

He’s beginning to sound like a scared little boy, whose world feels insecure and is trying to find where he fits in. He’s dependent still and wants to feel cared about

I want to give him a hug and make his breakfast

Feeling so sorry for this poor 12 year old who you want to not fully be part of the household and act like he would with 2 parents in the house.

OP, my younger son acts a bit like this re being sarcastic about my meal choices and demanding big breakfasts. He gets told to stop being stroppy and get on with it re dinners, and to make do with cereal re breakfasts. Also, my son is nosy and will also read my stuff. Change your phone password and do not be afraid to tell him to stop being nosy as your documents are none of his business. Some of this is him not knowing social rules and needing to be taught them.

It’s so difficult. He sounds like he’s struggling and hasn’t had enough boundaries with his Dad (going to bed at midnight aged 12 with school is not good). Obviously Mum quite absent. Sounds not a great combination for the poor kid. Maybe your partner has been afraid to establish boundaries because he feels sorry about the situation with the mother. Not easy for you though, if it’s your own child you don’t have to walk on eggshells (eg a 12yo in my house needing water would be told to get up and grab it themselves, but that’s because they are my kids and I’ve had them from birth).

Just shows how hard being a step parent is. I do have sympathy for you.

You are not a failure at all, no one in the right mind would put up with the merry dance that entitled child is leading you.
It's his father's fault for not disciplining him

This is the reason I worry that if I die and my other half remarried.

You moved into their dynamic. You are the outsider. You are the adult who should be making the child feel secure and wanted.
So if he doesn't drink tea, offer him a drunk he does drink. You bf can also help himself to a biscuit.. so if you give your oh a biscuit, offer the child one. It isn't hard
Also as for him having opinions, he is pretty much a teenager so of course he will. It may also be his way of trying to stay involved.

Ugh. Your partner and his ex between them are really messing up their son.
It's not your failure OP, you actually seem like the only adult who cares, but you cannot fix this and you should not be trying.
You need to protect yourself from false accusations. Troubled children can come up with all sorts. I would never be alone with this child, he is too troubled.
This man gives no shits for his son's well-being and I don't understand why you haven't walked away from this whole mess.
How can you respect a man who won't parent his own son?