DP's son making me feel like I'm in a relationship with both of them

[Dpmn553]

I hope this is in the right place. Have been with DP for 5 years. He has a 12 year old son who has always lived with him. I moved in around 1 year ago. Before I moved in my relationship with DP's son was manageable. I was like an aunt or a teacher or another influential adult in his life. But since I've moved in, my DP's son has been acting in a way that would suggest he doesn't quite understand the dynamic in the house.

For example, the other day I made myself and my DP a cup of tea and gave him a biscuit with it. His son then started asking why he wasn't also offered a biscuit- I told him he's free to take a biscuit if he wants it. In the morning on my days off I'll ask my DP what he fancies for breakfast. If DP's son is there, he'll get upset and make a point about me not asking or including him (of course I'd make everyone's breakfast in such a situation not just my DP). The dynamic is making me feel very uncomfortable.

He'll insert himself into adult conversations that don't concern him, so much so that we have to be careful what we say infront of him. He seems always to have an opinion about adult issues (mortgages, cars, medical issues) that he knows nothing about, and will offer them when me and DP are in the middle of an important discussion.

I'm probably not explaining it well. It just feels like my DP's son expects me to be treating him like another DP/exactly like his father and not the child that he is and it's creating this weird atmosphere where I cannot be myself and exist in a romantic relation with my DP.

Has anyone experienced anything similar? Is this normal?

This

You do realise you're the interloper in this scenario, not the child? You're not even his SM but you're othering him and treating him as the outsider.
Your partner also has a lot to answer for. I suggest you both get some parenting classes because you clearly have no idea how detrimental this will be to his DS's mental health going forward.

I was 30 and living with my mom and helping her pay off the mortgage on her house. Her SO moved in and started making modifications (hanging up paintings, changing the floors) without and just acting like I was an inconvenience to have around. One time I was washing the floors downstairs and he told me I needed to be faster and not listen podcasts while I clean.

I moved out very quickly. Sounds like you may be doing that here without meaning to. He's not paying the bills but should be treated like a full member of the family when it comes to being offered treats, being involved in conversations when he's in the same room etc

Agree wholeheartedly with this ^

Yeah, and asking his dad only about breakfast, it's a bit excluding and like he doesn't matter.

It wouldn't cost OP anything to say "what do you fancy for breakfast, DP? And how about you, Jimbob?"

It's kinda of blanking him in his own home not to, and will make his insecurity and FOMO worse.

You've got another 8 years or so of this. Your DP has a role to play here in making his son feel loved and included.
Why not talk it over with your DP? You dont say anything about him, when actually he's the lynchpin in making it work. How did he see the dynamics working when you moved in? What does he think about how his son might be feeling? Did he have a discussion with his son before you moved in, or was he just expected to accept the new situation?

Oh gosh thank you for this! You've articulated what I've been meaning yo say beautifully.

This is exactly it- he doesn't understand that my relationship with my DP is different to my relationship to him. He's commented on my make up free face, he notices and comments if I change my earrings or wear new lipstick even before my DP. He often compliments my clothes. He used to enter our bedroom without knocking early on too. And in the early months, there was a time I'd gone downstairs in the early morning to fetch a glass of water and came back to find him sleeping next to my husband!!

I make him a snack tray every evening btw- just him, while we're all watching TV and me and DP are drinking tea. The incident I described bwfore- he wasn't in the room, me and DP were WFH and he was elsewhere then came in and asked why he wasn't offered one.

Anyway I can see I need to change my expectations. I have no kids so little experience with preteens. Thank you all!

This.

The poor boy, being somewhat cuckoo-ed out of his own home. I’m finding this thread quite sad, and I’m sorry, but I agree with others that you need to do a lot better by him. And from what you’ve shared, it seems his Dad needs to as well as he should be picking you up on your behaviour and advocating for his son.

I don’t think people are focused on the wrong things at all and you don’t come across well, although I suppose are being honest about your emotions. I don’t think the child sounds insecure I think you do and frankly quite selfish about minor short term inconvenience over his wellbeing now and for the long-term.

I would always check in with a child about things like breakfast or snacks over an adult. Being part of the conversation is normal when you’re in a household. It will look different at different stages and in a few years when he pulls away and it more his friends you (or more likely your husband) will benefit from having a relationship with secure foundation.

A lot of this is tweenager behaviour. However, added to this is the fact you've moved into his territory and changed the dynamic. He is probably terrified of you replacing him in his father's affections and not wanting to go to bed/sleep suggests he may be worried he is missing out. Hiding things from him is going to feed into this fear.

Perhaps you all need to sit down and resassure him that he is very much part of a threesome but that, you and his father also need your own space.

Set boundaries with bedtime etc - he is only 12 - but also make sure he feels included. He needs to see that he has nothing to fear from you. Perhaps ALL 3 OF YOU, need to discuss some house rules. This is a new set up and all of you are finding your level. Just remember that he is just a child and you are the adults.

If you're making drinks/snacks call out to see if he'd like something. Encourage him to occaisionally make you and his Dad a drink.

Perhaps you could occaisionally take him out on your own for a drink/ice cream/burger if you collect him from school or are alone with him.

It's lovely that you've come on here - it shows you care. Hopefully, the advice you've been given will help you understand the situation this young lad finds himself in and enable you to all make your new family unit a success.

I would also be Frank and straightforward about doing things when you are out. Say you are out with your mum, we are out too, have a great time. Stop all this secrecy and be firm and boundaried and be welcoming and loving the rest of the time. Get Ss support, maybe counselling to have an outlet to talk about the new family dynamic.

Why would you not offer him breakfast or a drink/biscuit?!

And then "12YO, do you want a drink too?"
Is the sensible thing to do.

I suspect you've made a mistake living with them. Because it is "them".

I disagree. I get that often times this could be the crux but this feels like OP has tries her best to explain the situation and it’s not about that. It feels quite complex. It’s perhaps l, I’m not sure, like ds sees himself and dp on the same level - I don’t mean that they don’t deserve the same respect or time or love etc, I mean that what they would both get from OP even it it was equal would also be different and it sounds like the issue is that it feels like ds wants the same. I can really genuinely see the complex situation but I’m finding it hard to articulate so I can understand why OP is struggling to explain X

He sounds normal enough to me. I don't understand why, if you are offering some refreshment or whatever to his dad, you do not do the same for him. He's a person, it's just good manners.

Wow Op - you are the outsider here not the son!!

why would you not offer him a biscuit or ask him about breakfast - my god you sound rude and awful.

and he should be able to speak in his house - it was his house before yours!

if you want to discuss grown up things do it away from him.

Absolutely shocking and quite disgusting behaviour - from you!

OP I think it is you that doesn't understand the household dynamic. It is your stepsons home, always has been, long before you even started dating his father. You have now moved in and are trying to behave like you are just in a couple rather than a family. I feel very sorry for this poor child. You moving in will have completely altered his life. I really hope you come across better in real life than you do here. Your posts make him sound like an inconvenient problem in your life. At his age he will be in or entering puberty. He will have recently started senior school and will have all the emotions and problems that come with those. At the very least he deserves a loving, caring homelife. You really don't come across well here at all.
If you want private adult conversations then have them in private.
If you are offering to make a drink for your DP and your stepson is there why can't you just say do you want a juice or whatever and give him a biscuit too. Same with breakfast if you are offering one person in the house a choice, why not everyone or why not just leave everyone to sort themselves.
As for your romantic relationship with your DP. If you want romance to be anywhere near the top of the list of priorities you are in the wrong relationship. That's just what family life is.

I'm single, I meant more when I'm on the phone and shes listening in

I will be rude and tell her she has no idea what shes talking about when shes been ear wigging on conversations between me and my friends and then tries to come and talk about things she has absolutely no idea what shes on about - when I say talk, I dont mean she wants to discuss. She likes to come down and repeat exactly what I have said but makes out like it's her own opinion. And when asked what she means she cant say because she has no idea what she means.

🤣🤣 at explaining my thoughts and feelings to my almost 10 year old when shes earwigging on conversations. If it was a conversation I wanted to have with her, I would of already

We are both autistic and If shes being rude I will just tell her. Because it is rude behaviour

Agree. He’s part of the family when he’s there ( sorry!). I know plenty of dogs who get offered a biscuit when the family have one.

The conversation thing is normal.

I found your post disturbing tbh - even wondered if it’s a wind-up.

He compliments your CLOTHES?! What a shit.

If someone is making food, offering biscuits, making breakfast, then they should offer the same to anyone that is in the house surely, not least a family member. If a discussion is being had in front of people at home, regardless of their age then they should be entitled to an opinion and to join in the conversation, regardless of age. If you want to have private conversations not involving kids then have them away from the kids. OP, I think you have the problem here, you are not understanding how important it is for kids to be included and learn from adults. You are in danger or becoming the wicked stepmother.

Gosh, if he was my son I would ask you to move out.

OP with respect. You've moved into your step sons house, not the other way around. He has more right to be there than you do. You'll be the first out of the pair of you to have to leave should that ever arise. You don't seem to understand pre-teens very well, of course he thinks he knows it all, of course he wants to be offered a biscuit in own bloody house, of course this 12 year old boy is testing the limits of his bedtime.

You're the outsider here, not him.

Did op say he could have an opinion!?? Outrageous brat.

The dynamic in the house has changed - because YOU changed it when you moved in.

Not offering to make breakfast or give him a biscuit is really odd and very impolite. Surely you would ask both of them what they want to eat??

Also he is 12 - of course he wants to be involved in ‘adult’ conversations, nearly all teenagers are proper little know it alls at that age! And staying up late and not wanting to go to bed? Sound familiar? Total normal behaviour.

It’s up to his dad to put those boundaries in place. You shouldn’t be having ‘ important’ personal discussions in front of him anyway.

As for being jealous of what you both do when he’s with his mum? Christ that’s glaringly obvious that he’s worried about being pushed/left out… poor kid. Surely his dad is having conversations about this stuff with him? And reassuring him that won’t happen?

Although from the tone of your posts it does sound like you expect the boy to be seen and not heard.

You don’t come across very well I’m afraid OP.