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Original poster

DP's son making me feel like I'm in a relationship with both of them

639 replies

Dpmn553 · 10/11/2024 11:33

I hope this is in the right place. Have been with DP for 5 years. He has a 12 year old son who has always lived with him. I moved in around 1 year ago. Before I moved in my relationship with DP's son was manageable. I was like an aunt or a teacher or another influential adult in his life. But since I've moved in, my DP's son has been acting in a way that would suggest he doesn't quite understand the dynamic in the house.

For example, the other day I made myself and my DP a cup of tea and gave him a biscuit with it. His son then started asking why he wasn't also offered a biscuit- I told him he's free to take a biscuit if he wants it. In the morning on my days off I'll ask my DP what he fancies for breakfast. If DP's son is there, he'll get upset and make a point about me not asking or including him (of course I'd make everyone's breakfast in such a situation not just my DP). The dynamic is making me feel very uncomfortable.

He'll insert himself into adult conversations that don't concern him, so much so that we have to be careful what we say infront of him. He seems always to have an opinion about adult issues (mortgages, cars, medical issues) that he knows nothing about, and will offer them when me and DP are in the middle of an important discussion.

I'm probably not explaining it well. It just feels like my DP's son expects me to be treating him like another DP/exactly like his father and not the child that he is and it's creating this weird atmosphere where I cannot be myself and exist in a romantic relation with my DP.

Has anyone experienced anything similar? Is this normal?

OP posts:
HappyintheHills · 10/11/2024 11:46

Dpmn553 · 10/11/2024 11:45

Thanks for your responses. It seems I'm being naive and unreasonable here.

Just to clarify, he doesn't drink tea. Me and my DP were working from home and I was making myself a cup of tea and asked if my DP wanted one.

If another adult who didn’t drink tea was there wouldn’t you have offered them an alternative beverage?

Branster · 10/11/2024 11:46

It sounds like, in your mind, you moved to this house in order to live with DP only. And his son is some sort of independent decoration that makes noises and gets in the way.
This is a family home, everyone shares, why would you exclude him from things you do? As far as this boy is concerned, you dropped into their lives and are pushing him away from his own life, his dad and his home.
I don't think you should be living there, it's a disaster for this boy and for the relationship between father and son.
Besides, by offering and asking everyone present, you would be teaching the boy to do the same for others.

Dishwashersaurous · 10/11/2024 11:47

I think this is actually probably an age thing more than anything. He's 12, therefore he's going to be part of any conversation that happens when he's in the room, at the dinner table etc and he will have an opinion.

He's not just a child who sits there and you can have a conversation over his head.

This isn't a step parent issue specifically.

You need to make sure that if you need to have important adult conversation you do without him around. Go for a walk or wait until he's in bed.

He's at the age where he can be left at home alone.

It's also absolutely brilliant that he wants to be with you both and involved in conversation.

You need to make sure that you and your partner are making an effort at the relationship, a regular weekly date night at least once a week

But then just encourage his interest and involve him in conversation

JustinThyme · 10/11/2024 11:48

Poor examples where you were unreasonable. However, I can understand your frustration with the grown up conversations.

He’s an only child who’s been living with his Dad. He will be used to talking like more of a peer than a 12 year old with two parents and 3 siblings would, for example.

Neither of you is wrong, you just have different ideas on how you all should be interacting.

You have joined the household, so it’s on you to work out how to fit in with their dynamic. A decent father will back his child so whatever you do, don’t set yourself up in opposition.

paddyclampster · 10/11/2024 11:48

This can’t be real but …

Him joining in every conversation is normal, if a bit irritating when he doesn’t know what he’s on about.

Not offering everyone a drink or a meal is just plain rude.

Original poster
Dpmn553 · 10/11/2024 11:48

Okay, I used terrible examples! But it's clear I'm in the wrong here!

Some other examples: he'll want to stay up with us late into the night and gets upset when told by DP to sleep. He's often awake until midnight even on school days. He doesn't like the idea of me and DP going out for a coffee or a meal alone if he's at him mum's or friend's house so we have to hide it from him.

OP posts:
WinterBones · 10/11/2024 11:49

Dpmn553 · 10/11/2024 11:45

Thanks for your responses. It seems I'm being naive and unreasonable here.

Just to clarify, he doesn't drink tea. Me and my DP were working from home and I was making myself a cup of tea and asked if my DP wanted one.

my kids don't drink tea either, but if i have the biscuits out it follows that you ask if anyone else wants one, you don't just put them away and then tell the others to get their own.

Suimai · 10/11/2024 11:50

If there was a child in my house then it’s them I’d be prioritising with offering drinks/breakfast/treats, not a grown man. I’d especially not be waiting on a grown man and then complaining that a child is asking for a biscuit too

herecomesautumn · 10/11/2024 11:50

That poor,poor boy

HappyintheHills · 10/11/2024 11:51

Of course he wants to stay up til the early hours - he’s adolescent, it’s how his brain works.

Obeseandashamed · 10/11/2024 11:51

This sounds like my teen at the moment. I wonder if it is an age thing rather than household dynamic.

Meamie · 10/11/2024 11:52

I'm probably not explaining it well. It just feels like my DP's son expects me to be treating him like another DP/exactly like his father and not the child that he is and it's creating this weird atmosphere where I cannot be myself and exist in a romantic relation with my DP

You’ve explained it fine, but you have a very strange take on both family and romantic dynamics. How does asking a child in his own home what he wants for breakfast detract from your romantic relationship? Is it that in asking your partner what he wants for breakfast you feel as if you’re treating/spoiling him?

I think you need to revise your views on the house dynamic as a whole. I don’t think you’re meaning to be unkind, but you are being and I feel sorry for the boy

WinterBones · 10/11/2024 11:52

Dpmn553 · 10/11/2024 11:48

Okay, I used terrible examples! But it's clear I'm in the wrong here!

Some other examples: he'll want to stay up with us late into the night and gets upset when told by DP to sleep. He's often awake until midnight even on school days. He doesn't like the idea of me and DP going out for a coffee or a meal alone if he's at him mum's or friend's house so we have to hide it from him.

Offs... he is crying out to be included, he is trying to adapt to having you there and feeling pushed out. it isn't about you, its about him feeling like you're affecting the relationship he has with his Dad.

find things to include him and make him feel included, and then the time when he ought to butt out/be in bed won't be so stark.

Onthesideofthespiders · 10/11/2024 11:52

Dpmn553 · 10/11/2024 11:48

Okay, I used terrible examples! But it's clear I'm in the wrong here!

Some other examples: he'll want to stay up with us late into the night and gets upset when told by DP to sleep. He's often awake until midnight even on school days. He doesn't like the idea of me and DP going out for a coffee or a meal alone if he's at him mum's or friend's house so we have to hide it from him.

Wanting to stay up is normal at his age. But letting him isn’t. His dad has to have boundaries around bedtime, especially in a school night. But that isn’t his fault; he is behaving like tweens. It’s his dad’s fault for not dealing with it and maintains a bedtime. Bad parenting.

Not wanting to miss out on things you two do is just what happens with a child in a blended family. He’ll be a bit insecure, more so than his peers with parents still together. It doesn’t mean you have to limit your life with your partner though. The boy is old enough for you all to talk about this. He does need to be told that you have a life when he isn’t around, and you’ll do things but that you’ll also make sure he has a great life with both of you when he is around as well. And please make sure he gets lots of time with just his dad when you aren’t involved.

kiraric · 10/11/2024 11:52

It sounds like he is insecure.

I think you would find if you make more of a positive effort to include him most of the time, he would be more relaxed about you having some couple time.

HappyintheHills · 10/11/2024 11:53

And of course it’s cringe for his dad to be going on dates.

BadPeopleFan · 10/11/2024 11:54

You sound like you are treating him like a dog, banished to the corner when the treats come out, getting upset when he tries to join in like he's getting under your feet.....even if he were a dog I would think you are being cruel!
I wonder what his dad thinks of your attitude, hopefully he's not just grateful to be getting regular sex and wakes up to your clear disdain for his son.

HappyintheHills · 10/11/2024 11:54

He’s clearly secure in his attachment to his dad. that’s why he feels he can challenge the OPs behaviour.

MrsSkylerWhite · 10/11/2024 11:54

You came into his home. You need to adapt to him, not the other way round.

You really don’t seem to like the poor kid very much.

category12 · 10/11/2024 11:54

He's insecure and wants to feel included.

Dishwashersaurous · 10/11/2024 11:56

Teenagers, and he's almost a teenager, don't go to bed. It's just a fact of living with them that you have to accept.

That's just normal.

Of course he's not going to be happy about his dad doing fun stuff without him, but he needs to get used to that.

Now onto the step part complication

Are you likely to have children yourself? He's probably terrified of being replaced by another child that will live with his dad full time

MrsSkylerWhite · 10/11/2024 11:56

Just to clarify, he doesn't drink tea. Me and my DP were working from home and I was making myself a cup of tea and asked if my DP wanted one.

So you offer him squash and a biscuit, you don’t just ignore him!

Dishwashersaurous · 10/11/2024 11:58

And does he get lots of quality regular one to one time with his dad each week, that's absolutely vital. How many hours a week does he have his dad to himself?

Aroastdinnerisnotahumanright · 10/11/2024 11:58

It sounds like he's worried he's not getting enough attention from his father, can they have a special day out or trip just the two of them?

pictoosh · 10/11/2024 11:59

Your arrival has changed the dynamic. He's 12 and doesn't possess the life experience to know what you expect of or want from him. He's used to talking to his dad with free will and considers being included as standard.