To tell my boyfriend when he's hurting me?

[ForJoyousAmberLurker]

My brain thinks there's no way I am in the wrong here but I'm autistic and worried I'm missing something subtle about the situation.

Every morning at the weekend my boyfriend of 8 years brings me a cup of coffee and we sit in bed and drink coffee and chat. This morning I'd rolled awkwardly in bed and my arm was stretched out in front of me. When he sat down on the edge of the bed to put our coffee down, he sat on my hand and wrist, which woke me up pretty sharply! I tried to pull my hand out without bothering him but couldn't without hurting more so I said "hey, sorry, you're on my hand" in a non-confrontational voice (I hate arguing). He jumped up and grabbed his coffee and started to leave the room. I asked where he was going and he said, "I hurt you, I'll leave." I said, "it was an accident, come back" but he left anyway and now I'm starting my day stewing over whether I've upset him.

He's like this during intimacy sometimes too -- if he accidentally hurts me and I say "ow!" or something, he'll immediately shut down and then it becomes my job to reassure him and make him feel better. I've asked him, "surely you would rather I told you if you're hurting me?" and he says of course but then he just absolutely hates it if I ever mention it. It's got to the point where I sometimes just put up with pain because I can't stand the idea of having to spend hours making him feel better about having hurt me.

Feel like I'm going mad, should I be doing something differently?

So weird
His reaction

In fact all very very weird to me

You're doing nothing wrong at all, he's being really weird.

Getting up and leaving because he sat on your hand? WTF.

Yeah, this isn't a you problem at all. Have you tried talking to him about why he reacts like this?

how often is he accident really hurting you?!

Of course you should be able to tell him when he's hurt you!

I know it sounds like a catch 22 but can you talk to him about his reaction at a neutral time? Or if you're worried it might trigger his response, perhaps wrote him a letter?
There obviously more to his reaction and he needs to understandbwhy he's reacting like this to change.

End the relationship. He is wrongun. You shouldnt be apologising when he hurts you. He isnt mature enough to be in a relationship. You have started fearing his reaction.

end the relationship.

Some people get defensive, it’s not your job to reassure him so stop doing it. How often does he accidentally hurt you though?

The reaction is weird but the fact he seems to hurt you with some frequency is more concerning. I'm inclined to suspect the hurting is not accidental and his weird reaction is just his tactic for getting away with it.

If she is worried it might trigger a response she should end it not pacify him until his responses get worse.

You are not going mad.
I would be weary he's trying to condition you into not making a fuss when he hurts you..so he can hurt you.
Or perhaps he has been in a relationship where someone hurt him and he's got a trigger response now.

I think you'll have to talk to him but be very careful what you say. Or just leave him

It's got to the point where I sometimes just put up with pain because I can't stand the idea of having to spend hours making him feel better about having hurt me. sorry just reread this bit.. leave him

You need to ask him calmly and directly why he reacts like that when he accidentally hurts you. If he cannot give you a reasonable explanation or at least be open in saying he gets a strong emotional
reaction even though he doesn’t know why, then this is a big issue.

When it comes to sex I think men can find it difficult as they aren’t used to experiencing any pain during sex whereas it is unfortunately common for women. I’ve had it when younger that a partner assumed we should just stop having sex as of course he didn’t want to hurt me. Whereas I explained it just meant we needed to do something differently and I would say if I wanted to stop.

Either there is a communication issue here or he has some deeper issues that he needs to address.

Out of interest I note it’s an 8 year relationship, how old are you both?

I agree with PP: that is really concerning. He is conditioning you to not say anything when you are hurt, including during intimacy. Either he's doing it accidentally, in which case he needs to work on that completely over the top reaction, or he's doing it on purpose which is abusive.

This is so strange

What should happen is he says 'oh sorry' as it's unintentional and you both move on. That's normal. Him not being able to cope smacks of very low self esteem - you then feel you have to be responsible for building his self esteem back up. People with self esteem that low really don't tend to make good partners - this point is clearly made here by you now feeling you have to put up with pain.

You need to seriously talk about this OP, he needs to sort it out, get counselling to get to the bottom of it or you just need to leave.

If my DP wasn’t a bit like this I’d be saying the same as everyone else.

I definitely tell him, I sometimes even get a bit cross, but I’ve learned he genuinely doesn’t realise and gets really upset—mortified—and then becomes really self conscious and won’t come near me for a while.

I don’t know if your DP is like mine, but mine is also incredibly clumsy, breaks things and spills things often and just isn’t aware of his own weight and size. Our sofa back is knackered because of the force with which he flings himself onto it and he’s broken three toilet seats just by putting them down! He got out of the car while I was still sitting in it today and he shut the door so hard the whole thing rocked! He’s a big lad, and has spent his life in a rough and tumble, male dominated environment where he doesn’t have to be careful.

He’s a big fan of Steinbeck, so I tend to say “oi, Lenny, gentle please!” if he’s being too much and that get the point across and he corrects without making him worry.

This is wrong. He shouldn’t be acting like this but also he shouldn’t be hurting enough for this to be an issue. Given his tactic of turning it round and making it your problem I wonder how often it is an accident.

Why is he hurting you so much? That is odd. I have never been in a relationship like that.

His reaction is absurd and worrying.

Normal reaction as pp has said is to go "oh sorry" and move. And that'd be the end of it.

Does he often make you feel in the wrong over perfectly normal interactions? Do he often perceive slights where none are intended? Do you walk on eggshells around him?

First : his behaviour is weird.
If someone hurt me I would say ow and tell them. I wouldn't even think about it. And no one I know would storm off from that.

Second : you behaviour was weird. Why didn't you instantly tell him he'd sat on your hand?
Is it because he has trained you to avoid that by his behaviour? Coercive control.

Third: his behaviour shows there is something "wrong" with him. At the most generous it could be past trauma I.e. being excessively punished for hurting people as a child.
And at the most generous he needs to get professional help to work through this.
But even so it would be best for you to leave the relationship and let him get on with it.

So whatever the cause I would suggest you leave. And do not ever be intimate with someone who you are afraid to tell them they hurt you , please

Accidents happen. But I can't remember the last time my DH accidentally hurt me let alone it being a frequent event.

Not sure what the reasons are for the pain or his reactions but none of this is normal. Ypu are right to question this!

Thank you -- probably not a neutral moment but I talked to him about it just now.

He said he was upset that our first interaction of the day was me pulling away from him, and that it reminded him of other times he didn't feel wanted. He said he knows it's irrational but it's connected to other feelings of being "discarded". He wasn't able to elaborate on what I'm doing to make him feel discarded

Did he grow up in an abusive home? It doesn't make it excusable but I'm wondering if he potentially grew up around violence and can't stand the idea of hurting someone, even accidentally. If this has any truth, it still isn't for you to fix or work around. He needs to work on himself.

He's teaching you to not react when he hurts you. Thats not good.

He said he was upset that our first interaction of the day was me pulling away from him, and that it reminded him of other times he didn't feel wanted. He said he knows it's irrational but it's connected to other feelings of being "discarded". He wasn't able to elaborate on what I'm doing to make him feel discarded

Then he needs to get help ....therapy or counselling or something

If he doesn't get help for his issues and always dumps his historical shit on you, you dump him.

He's trying to use psychological babble. If he's hurting you he should want to know so he can stop. He's hurting you during sex mate. And you're too scared to say anything. This isn't right