To tell my boyfriend when he's hurting me?

[ForJoyousAmberLurker]

My brain thinks there's no way I am in the wrong here but I'm autistic and worried I'm missing something subtle about the situation.

Every morning at the weekend my boyfriend of 8 years brings me a cup of coffee and we sit in bed and drink coffee and chat. This morning I'd rolled awkwardly in bed and my arm was stretched out in front of me. When he sat down on the edge of the bed to put our coffee down, he sat on my hand and wrist, which woke me up pretty sharply! I tried to pull my hand out without bothering him but couldn't without hurting more so I said "hey, sorry, you're on my hand" in a non-confrontational voice (I hate arguing). He jumped up and grabbed his coffee and started to leave the room. I asked where he was going and he said, "I hurt you, I'll leave." I said, "it was an accident, come back" but he left anyway and now I'm starting my day stewing over whether I've upset him.

He's like this during intimacy sometimes too -- if he accidentally hurts me and I say "ow!" or something, he'll immediately shut down and then it becomes my job to reassure him and make him feel better. I've asked him, "surely you would rather I told you if you're hurting me?" and he says of course but then he just absolutely hates it if I ever mention it. It's got to the point where I sometimes just put up with pain because I can't stand the idea of having to spend hours making him feel better about having hurt me.

Feel like I'm going mad, should I be doing something differently?

you deserve to live your life being relaxed, not walking on eggshells

I wholeheartedly agree.

He's been your boyfriend for 8 years so probably at least 22 - not a 16 year old who is over-eager in bed. He should be taking care to ensure sex is good for both of you. It still sound like this is something he is doing fairly often and if not actually deliberate he's certainly not paying much attention to you. Unless you are stick thin he would definitely have felt your hand when he sat on it and should have moved off without being asked.

I'm afraid I dont think this is a s "accidental" as he pretends and I still think you need to leave.

I was going to ask if he's also autistic, or maybe ADHD with Rejection Sensitive Dysphoria (I have all of those). He seems very quick to jump to a conclusion that he has been bad (which would make sense if he has RSD). It would probably benefit him to seek diagnosis, perhaps you're like me and have found it better to understand yourself with a diagnosis of how you think and behave. Therapy would be a good thing for him, or both of you. I can sympathise - I can sometimes react in a self-damaging way if I think I've upset someone, but I do always discuss and communicate it whereas he wants to walk away

OP this sounds wrong. A loving partner should never continue intercourse after their partner indicated that they were in pain. You sound lovely but your partner,if not a bad person, has serious issues to sort out with himself. Please talk to him in an neutral moment . And please stop appeasing him after he has hurt you. Even if accidentally.

Should you be doing something differently? Yes you should be leaving, right now, keep yourself safe

Sounds like he has RSD, common in autistic and adhd people

How did he not know he'd sat on your hand!?
And odd to keep accidently hurting you.
Surely he felt your hand under him and waited for a reaction. Sounds odd to me.

Hi op,

His reaction is massive.

You mentioned being with him for some years. Did he ever get interested into solving stuff? I’d be wary to be living my old age and/or have kids with someone of this past that didn’t do any self work. Sounds like a very bad limonade. I would say that you are at risk if any children come.

Good luck 🌺

Get talking and if you can't manage that, you need to make some decisions.

So, you say 'well, how can I tell you that you've accidentally hurt me/stood on my toe/sat on my hand etc, in a way that doesn't upset you? Its a reasonable thing to want to communicate at times, so how do I do this?'

If he can come up with something reasonable, fine.

If he cannot, will not, or won't even talk about it, that's not fine and he needs to fuck the fuck off.

Yes, you should be doing something differently.

Not pandering to him when he pretends to be hurt that he's hurt you.

Do you think he's neurodivergent, OP? My first thought was rejection sensitive dysphoria which is common with adhd/asd. I suspect this is self loathing because he unintentionally hurt you mixed with his perception of rejection.

Look it up and see if it fits. Understanding himself will help if this is the case and medication helps too. It really is debilitating.

It sounds like he also has ASD or ADD.

I've been married to someone like that for a very long time indeed. It's apparently because he loves so much and worries if he's hurt me, even accidentally.

He has got better over time. Don't stew about it. Just realise he's angry and upset with himself about it and not you. Explain to him how him leaving makes you feel worse and like he doesn't care. Explain that you think it's because he's upset but really it isn't worth getting that upset or worried about. And that you're not angry or upset with him. Don't feel you need to apologise -- just give him a chance to get calm again.

My DH has also realised that Sensory Processing Disorder means that sometimes a light touch on my arm or brushing past me hurts but that he's not to blame if he put his hand on me at a bad time.

End it or fight back and don't take that crap when he gets in a mood over it. Sounds like a right twerp to me.

Really???

So you wouldn't realise that you were sitting on someone's hand?!

Op said: 'It's got to the point where I sometimes just put up with pain because I can't stand the idea of having to spend hours making him feel better about having hurt me.'

Do you think that's normal? Because I bloody well don't.

I’m sorry, I’m inclined to agree 😕

Very worrying if he’s making you afraid to say that he’s hurting you. You not wishing to be confrontational, makes you a target for controlling men too. Don’t waste another day of your life.

I’m speaking as a coercive control survivor who lost 9 years, thousands of pounds, many friends, and what should have been the best days of my life.

I voted u are not unreasonable because that’s what I guess you want to hear. Of course if he hurts you should say so and he should stop sulking like a baby. You have been together 8 years?

I do think you are unreasonable just because you are pandering to him. Some honest conversations needed.

Are you sure he isn’t hurting you on purpose and gaslighting you because you are autistic and insecure?

Have you considered that he may have rejection sensitivity? This is often experienced by those who are neurodivergent or had childhood trauma.

Has he been through trauma you don't know about. I would chat about it at mutual time.

I'm interested that it reminds you of your relationship with your father.
Look up Repetition Compulsion.
We seek out people who will help us recreate our childhood experience even though that may have been unhealthy and painful.

yeah, that's not normal or healthy.
he's taking it like a criticism, rather than just a statement of fact. of "ow, that hurt"

he should just apologise for accidentally hurting you, you accept the apology, then it's in the past, and things carry on as normal.

Idk if you’re still reading. I really hope you manage to get out of this relationship. Being unable to tell someone they are hurting you is huge, a massive red flag and it sounds as if so much more is going on. It really doesn’t matter if he has rejection sensitivity, he is horrible and abusive with it. This is his issue to resolve, not yours.

My ex would do this.
Until it was deliberate pushes and pinches and when I would say ow that hurt, he would say " don't be stupid, that didn't hurt" or " don't be so dramatic "