To tell my boyfriend when he's hurting me?

[ForJoyousAmberLurker]

My brain thinks there's no way I am in the wrong here but I'm autistic and worried I'm missing something subtle about the situation.

Every morning at the weekend my boyfriend of 8 years brings me a cup of coffee and we sit in bed and drink coffee and chat. This morning I'd rolled awkwardly in bed and my arm was stretched out in front of me. When he sat down on the edge of the bed to put our coffee down, he sat on my hand and wrist, which woke me up pretty sharply! I tried to pull my hand out without bothering him but couldn't without hurting more so I said "hey, sorry, you're on my hand" in a non-confrontational voice (I hate arguing). He jumped up and grabbed his coffee and started to leave the room. I asked where he was going and he said, "I hurt you, I'll leave." I said, "it was an accident, come back" but he left anyway and now I'm starting my day stewing over whether I've upset him.

He's like this during intimacy sometimes too -- if he accidentally hurts me and I say "ow!" or something, he'll immediately shut down and then it becomes my job to reassure him and make him feel better. I've asked him, "surely you would rather I told you if you're hurting me?" and he says of course but then he just absolutely hates it if I ever mention it. It's got to the point where I sometimes just put up with pain because I can't stand the idea of having to spend hours making him feel better about having hurt me.

Feel like I'm going mad, should I be doing something differently?

OP you havent answered the question - was your arm and hand under the quilt or was it visible and he sat on it anyway? I'm concerned about how often this man is hurting you and if he is doing it deliberately. On the spectrum or not he can still be an abuser and training you to tolerate more abuse.

Just how often has he hurt you and how? You may not just need to leave but to do so quickly and with someone present when you go to protect you.

He's gaslighting you and victimising. He's turning himself into the victim so he doesn't need to take blame, or be made to feel guilty for hurting you.

How could he not see or feel your hand?

How is he consistently hurting you in these subtle and increasingly emerging situations?

The question should be: "Why is he always hurting me and getting defensive when I bring it up?".

Sounds like he's trying to isolate you and shrink your world down to just him.

Reminds me of an ex of mine who used to do and say similar things. These things got more and more frequent until he ended up being violent (throwing things around the room). As it was a slow progression it took me a while to realise he was pretty mentally unwell. Very happily out of that relationship now.

Don't feel that you're in the wrong @ForJoyousAmberLurker , no way should he hurt you and then you say sorry, that's just wrong. Yes, he may be autistic but so are you and you don't mistreat him. The difference between you is you've been diagnosed and have insight into yourself, he's using autism as a get out card to never be wrong or say sorry.
You can do far better than this man Op

Perhaps he is autistic.
Or has trauma from an abusive past.
It could be that’s he’s an arsehole.

None of these are your problem to solve. And they are certainly not your problem to solve be being in an abusive and unhappy relationship.

I’ve been married over 20 years. I don’t remember the last time my DH accidentally hurt me.

Leave.

He’s unable to experience healthy guilt, instead being overwhelmed by destructive shame. He’s associating the source of that with your actions instead of his as it’s ‘safer’ for him.

He isn’t healthy enough or self aware enough to be in a relationship. He needs to work on himself, the way you are.

None of that is your responsibility. Your responsibility is to look after yourself.

You don’t need to blame him, to be angry with him or punish him. Just recognise the situation and do the sensible though perhaps sad thing.

And I say that after years with a good man who repeatedly accidentally hurt me and was so upset he needed me to comfort him about it.

It would have been healthier to leave.

You need to leave him. He’s very odd and nasty

Yeah your partner is a manipulator. He’s training you to have low boundaries and realise if you speak up, you get silent treatment (abuse btw)..and it’s working 🙂

He is being very very weird indeed.

Yes, tell him if he's done something that hurt you physically.

Ask yourself if this happens a lot - and if it may be deliberate.

Tell him to stop.

And stop beating yourself up over HIS behaviour.

What a manipulative person. He was upset with you for him hurting you? And there’s no way he didn’t know he was sitting on your hand either.

These type of men can tend to go for partners with neurodivergence (happened with me). You may want to look into things like npd, see if he has any of the behaviours and get out of there if he does because he sounds emotionally abusive at the least

His reaction is strange,if you accidentally hurt someone you ask if they're ok and apologise that it wasn't on purpose.

Ever since I've known him he's used "I'm autistic" as a reason for avoiding spending time with my family and friends, avoiding certain activities that I would like us to do together, or spending all his time on "him" activities.

Sounds selfish and uncaring.

And his response to hurting you is just weird. Making it all about him??- a red flag. I don't think my h has ever accidentally hurt me...

You, on the other hand, sound lovely: bright, self-aware, kind, thoughtful. It doesn't sound as if you have much in common.

And you deserve to live your life being relaxed, not walking on eggshells.

There might be something else going on but you aren't his therapist.
I also echo what others have said, I have a large clumsy husband and son and they very rarely hurt me by accident, despite being a pair of cuddle monsters

Your father was npd, which is why you went for your partner, who is the same. Don’t get pregnant, get out of there because it only gets worse from here.

It’s not normal to communicate and get narc rage or silent treatment, it’s abuse. You have a lot of reading to do and I hope you do it before you’re trapped for life

If your Dad was similar - then you may have been "trained" to put up with things that would have most people running for the hills.

I would suggest after dumping him you do some work on your boundaries.

Just as we often say here that Autism isn't an excuse for bad behaviour, neither should it be used as a tool to undermine your instincts.

I think women are often conditioned into being generous and sympathetic when they really ought to be removing themselves.

The reason it feels so awful when your father or bf do this is because it’s supposed to feel awful. Its job is to remind you of your place. Be quiet, doesn’t matter if you’re in pain.

Get out of there.

What happens if you don't spend time telling everything is fine? Like when he's hurt you and you've said once "Hey, it was an accident. It's ok" and then leave him be. Does he hover around non-verbally begging for attention or does he just self reflect and get on with it?

At first I was torn that this was either a manipulation tactics or that he doesn't really understand the concept of an accident and it overly empathetic. Unless this happens often enough to not be an accident. But now with the background of coming from abusive home this is some type of ptsd and coping mechanism and fearing of punishment and not understanding the concept of accident and moving on. He needs therapy. If it is purposeful then he's coping mechanism is to be like his parents which is even worse.
And also it is not your job to make him feel better. And him using autism as an excuse to not do things he doesn't want is a red flag.

Have read all your posts.

YANBU and shouldn’t be doing anything differently. If someone hurts us, even if unintentionally, it’s a typical reaction to express hurt (e.g. by saying ‘ouch’).

However, given his history and possible condition, it may be worth you gently talking to him about getting some therapy. He’s perhaps so sensitive to not hurting people that he over reacts when he does. Or perhaps he’s been taught it’s wrong to react when hurt, so finds it difficult to deal with.

But don’t tread on eggshells with anyone. It’s important to express how we feel. If other people react badly to that, it’s their shit to deal with.

Glad I'm not the only one thinking this...It sounds like very young teenagers, but OP has been with him 8 years..Sitting on a hand? Why not move hand out of the way before someone sits down, or look before sitting?

My covert narc kept his mask for ten years, until I got pregnant. Ten years. They are capable of pretending to be decent for a long long time.

He has shown you how bad it will get once you’re trapped. Sorry, will stop now but I don’t want to see any woman in my position

I would worry whether it’s his intention or not that you’ve been conditioned to accept pain during sex or any other time out of fear for reaction. That’s not normal at all.

Come on you asked him to move off your hand. He's not been discarded or unwanted. Could he not see your hand or feel it?

He's an adult and in control of his behaviour. He may have had a moment of upset when you asked him to move but he is in control of how he reacts to that

He's training you to tolerate his behaviour and playing the victim. And even if his behaviour is because of autism, Autistic people can still be abusive and you don't have to tolerate a shit relationship where your treading on eggshells because someone's autistic.

I say this as someone with autism, and an element of RSD. If I feel 'rejected' I would firstly want to make it up to that person, not punish them, I would be more likely to excessively comfort them in this scenario, and secondly as an adult I can rationalise and understand that what I'm feeling is excessive, and not a true reflection of the situation and control how I react to that. It's not fair on my partner if I can't do this