To tell my boyfriend when he's hurting me?

[ForJoyousAmberLurker]

My brain thinks there's no way I am in the wrong here but I'm autistic and worried I'm missing something subtle about the situation.

Every morning at the weekend my boyfriend of 8 years brings me a cup of coffee and we sit in bed and drink coffee and chat. This morning I'd rolled awkwardly in bed and my arm was stretched out in front of me. When he sat down on the edge of the bed to put our coffee down, he sat on my hand and wrist, which woke me up pretty sharply! I tried to pull my hand out without bothering him but couldn't without hurting more so I said "hey, sorry, you're on my hand" in a non-confrontational voice (I hate arguing). He jumped up and grabbed his coffee and started to leave the room. I asked where he was going and he said, "I hurt you, I'll leave." I said, "it was an accident, come back" but he left anyway and now I'm starting my day stewing over whether I've upset him.

He's like this during intimacy sometimes too -- if he accidentally hurts me and I say "ow!" or something, he'll immediately shut down and then it becomes my job to reassure him and make him feel better. I've asked him, "surely you would rather I told you if you're hurting me?" and he says of course but then he just absolutely hates it if I ever mention it. It's got to the point where I sometimes just put up with pain because I can't stand the idea of having to spend hours making him feel better about having hurt me.

Feel like I'm going mad, should I be doing something differently?

It doesn't matter why he's doing it. If he wants to delve into that, that's up to him.

Every violent criminal, every abuser, every selfish arsehole has a 'reason', a psychological explanation. So what? Being sad as well as bad does not compel other people to sacrifice themselves to the arsehole's selfishness and abuse.

What he is doing is harming OP. She needs to put her own basic needs first - to be safe, well and only share a home with adults who truly care about her and act accordingly

OP is not his therapist or his parent and he is not a child. Diagnosis and therapy are for professionals and can only be conducted with willing patients.

OP is his partner - he is offering himself to her as her partner. He is not up to the job, he doesn't even know what the job of a partner is.

Get out now. This is such familiar territory for me (autistic too) with my partner.

The information you've given about sex is very disturbing. Neither of those is accidental - not changing positions when you ask or being too rough. He is deliberately causing you pain. It doesn't matter at all if he has RSD or anything else because he's deliberately hurting you. I wish people would read all the OP's posts before commenting.

He sounds like a nightmare. Sulking is immature. So everything is your responsibility even if he hurts you?

End it OP.

Do you notice how he makes things your fault

He walked away because YOU pulled away. No mention of the fact he hurt you because he sat on your hand

What were you supposed to do? Not say anything and carry on being in pain just to save his feelings.

You are not his therapist, if him hurting you and you pulling your hand away triggers him then he needs to get himself mentally fit and well before he starts a relationship with any one

Just on this post alone I would end it. He needs help before he starts another relationship

Something tells me that he won’t let you go that easily and you need to have everything removed from where you live before telling him it’s over. I would also have someone close by to stand up to him if he gets possessive of you.

What if he's hurting you deliberately just to get sympathy from you?

He's an immature loser.

Oh OP, this sounds like my ex - he hurt me 'accidentally' quite often - although it was normally just a complete lack of care on his part (he also lost/broke my things if he borrowed them), then I was terrible for making him feel bad (that was far worse than whatever he'd done to hurt me). He was also too rough during sex, and after not long, stopped bothering to think about if I was enjoying it, would beg me to come with him and help him do his things (saying we were a team), but then leave me to do my things all alone, even if I asked for help. He would spend money on himself, then talk about how little money we had to manipulate me into spending as little as possible on me and the kids (yes, like an idiot I had kids with him)

Please leave now, before you get used to it.

The thing that woke me up about how bad it was was when I spoke casually to my friends, making a joke of something that had happened, and they'd turn and look at me in horror - take this thread as your 'friends looking at what he's doing to you with horror' moment, please.

There is no catch 22 about this. It's simple. You hurt someone accidentally and they tell you, you say sorry and rectify. This man wants her to endure the pain he inflicts in silence. She shouldn't have to write him a letter about the fact that he accidentally sat on her wrist and she reacted. Jeez. If he one day spills tea on her she must not withdraw her hand for fear of his reaction but wait to write that letter? If you are so fearful of reactions in a relationship it's time to get out.
The fact that op says she is enduring pain for fear of his reaction is not a red flag. It's a whole red curtain. Honestly op, I would walk away from this.

Irrelevant. He's abusing her and enjoying it.

Exactly. If a dog is mauling your leg, you kick it as hard as you can and run like hell. You don't let it continue to rip you apart whilst you ponder whether it's actions might be down to it being mistreated as a pup.

OP is the victim in an abusive relationship. The only way it will get better is if she gets him out of her life for good. All those making excuses for him, or suggesting ways she might help him be a better person, are just making things worse for her.

Does he have ADHD? Sounds like RSD (rejection sensitive dysphoria)

If you have a TV watch Emmerdale on catch up over the last few months. Your boyfriend sounds very much like the abuser Tom on there. He hurts her and then says its her fault and he's upset she would think he meant to to it. It's an awful story that just gets worse. Please take of yourself and get away from him safely when there are other people, friends ir family around.

YABU but NOT FOR TELLING HIM HE HURT YOU. The reason your unreasonable is trying to make him feel better. He should apologise for hurting you even if by accident then move on from it. If he cannot apologise to you or tries making you feel bad because of something he did that is NOT healthy.