To tell my boyfriend when he's hurting me?

[ForJoyousAmberLurker]

My brain thinks there's no way I am in the wrong here but I'm autistic and worried I'm missing something subtle about the situation.

Every morning at the weekend my boyfriend of 8 years brings me a cup of coffee and we sit in bed and drink coffee and chat. This morning I'd rolled awkwardly in bed and my arm was stretched out in front of me. When he sat down on the edge of the bed to put our coffee down, he sat on my hand and wrist, which woke me up pretty sharply! I tried to pull my hand out without bothering him but couldn't without hurting more so I said "hey, sorry, you're on my hand" in a non-confrontational voice (I hate arguing). He jumped up and grabbed his coffee and started to leave the room. I asked where he was going and he said, "I hurt you, I'll leave." I said, "it was an accident, come back" but he left anyway and now I'm starting my day stewing over whether I've upset him.

He's like this during intimacy sometimes too -- if he accidentally hurts me and I say "ow!" or something, he'll immediately shut down and then it becomes my job to reassure him and make him feel better. I've asked him, "surely you would rather I told you if you're hurting me?" and he says of course but then he just absolutely hates it if I ever mention it. It's got to the point where I sometimes just put up with pain because I can't stand the idea of having to spend hours making him feel better about having hurt me.

Feel like I'm going mad, should I be doing something differently?

Do you have kids with him?

Please leave him. Especially as you're walking on eggshells - it'll just get worse and more. More things will set him off, your 'egg shell free zone' will get smaller and smaller until it's gone completely. And his reactions to you will ramp up over time as you get used to it and think you've found an equilibrium, he'll press again to push you further.

He really does sound abusive. I'm sorry.

He's taking a situation where you're hurt, and making himself the victim. It's really not OK. That's not an accident.

Is he autistic too?

You may be in an emotionally abusive/coercive controlling relationship.

Absolutely. He's starting a pattern of very concerning behaviour and testing what he can get away with before you question it.
You are already NOT saying when he hurts you during intimacy.... so he's effectively grooming you to accept his behaviour. Huge red flag.
Whatever baggage he has, its not your problem to solve that is what therapy is for and its going to get worse not better.
By all means speak calmly to him and discuss it, but I'd get out ASAP. He's gaslighting you with his reaction. Your gut is telling you it's wrong for a reason. Please trust it.

100% agree

Your boyfriend should not be hurting you and you should never put up with pain to avoid upsetting him. Could he see your hand and sat on it anyway?

His reaction suggests he needs therapy. If he wont deal with this leave him.

My husband had maybe trod on my foot by accident twice in twenty years, that's bout the sum total of him hurting me!

This is so weird and strange that he is often hurting you!

Even more weird that he gets in a huff if you say ouch etc

Think I would steer clear of this one if I were you.

I do find his reaction worrying. It may well be there is a lot to unpack from his childhood but the impact is that you are treading on eggshells which is no way to live. Re first interaction of the day, if that was to be a reason, I find it odd that he’s upset that this was you pulling away rather than him hurting you, albeit accidentally. You are not responsible for his reactions. He is responsible for both hurting you and how he reacts to you telling him that this is the case. I’d really encourage you to reflect carefully on the relationship because if it’s a problem when you tell someone they are hurting you, it is potentially dangerous.

I accidentally clicked YABU but you are NOT BU. It's not your job to fix anyone even if he does have some issues from childhood (I learnt that too late myself) and he should be showing signs of remorse when he accidentally hurts you, a simple 'Sorry' would be a good start. You should never suffer silently because you're scared.

So he's just reinforced that you're not allowed to 'pull away' even if he HURTS you because it injures his delicate feelings.

It's called control OP and this is how it happens. It doesn't usually involve being told what to do directly, it's about the perpetrator persuading, manipulating, scaring the victim into prioritising the perpetrator all the time...even when the victim is hurt.

I'm worried for you.

"and there have been many times in this relationship where I've inadvertently messed up an entire day because I pointed out something that upset me. It seems insane when I type it out like that."

You haven't messed up an entire day, he has - but he's convinced you it's you.

You pointing out you're upset should lead to him trying to understand why and reassure you - the way you do when he's upset.

You are not being afforded the same respect. You are being made to feel you've ruined the day just because you express yourself.

That's not right, OP.

It sounds like an abusive relationship to me and I would get out.

He shouldn’t be hurting you and when he does accidentally , he should apologise for doing it. That’s the rule. Have you ever hurt him? Probably not, so you see how easy it is to not hurt someone that you love. If he is doing this often then ask yourself why.

Sometimes, it’s easy to doubt yourself especially if you feel that you are misreading signals because of neurodiversity. It’s easy for somebody who knows this about you to make you question your thought process. If they get away with it once, they can do it again and again because it makes their life easier to have you comply- until you believe that you are always in the wrong and you end up apologising just to make everything ok again on the surface.

You are not wrong, that gut feeling is there to protect you so trust it. When he hurts you, point it out. It will be awkward and you will feel uneasy with the not knowing but stick to your guns and don’t apologise. This is you setting a boundary so he will resist. If he can’t handle that then leave.

The first interaction of the day is you pulling away from him? 🙄 He's being ridiculous. Does he expect you to lie there with your hand pinned under him, in pain? So he doesn't feel discarded? I can't see that life with him would be relaxed or fun or easy. Time to think about ending it.

Yes, it’s odd.

Oh OP, this one is not a good egg. He is making you apologise for him hurting you.

This is so you’ll keep your mouth shut.

So he hurts you then he walks away 'upset' and you go chasing him to make him feel better about hurting you.

This all sounds really fucking scary, manipulative, abusive and dangerous.

You need to leave.

None of this is how a loving kind respectful man behaves
Its abusive

I was waiting for someone to say this. Of course he’s autistic. As is your father. I’m not assuming that your partner is abusive @ForJoyousAmberLurker as quite a few other posters are suggesting but it’s difficult to live with someone who over reacts to perceived rejection so counselling with someone very familiar with ASD might help.

He said he was upset that our first interaction of the day was me pulling away from him, and that it reminded him of other times he didn't feel wanted. He said he knows it's irrational but it's connected to other feelings of being "discarded". He wasn't able to elaborate on what I'm doing to make him feel discarded

These are very common experiences of many people on the spectrum. They’ve felt on the periphery of groups, not quite able to connect, don’t understand why, lots of deeply held feelings of rejection. Plus, rightly or wrongly, there’s a strong orientation to the self that’s difficult but not impossible to overcome. So his first response to an interaction is how they make him feel instead of being able to focus on how you’re feeling. This can feed into / be exacerbated by hyper rejection sensitivity.

Leaving you with the work of constant reassurance. Bit exhausting for you. He needs to understand his patterns and actively work on improving communication.

Edited to add that it’s really not odd or strange but very common for those on the spectrum. We run across people who are ‘prickly’ or ‘over sensitive’ all the time. It’s because that strong orientation to the self makes it difficult for them to instinctively read or understand other’s responses, feelings etc.

I often talk to him about issues I have with my own parents -- in some ways very loving but did some stuff in my childhood that messed me up. I'm in therapy. He often mentions that he doesn't have similar complicated feelings about his own parents despite the fact that his dad "kicked him up and down the garden like a football" - his words.

This is what I think too.
He’s conditioning you not to complain when he hurts you.
I don’t think this relationship is good for you OP.

Yes to this...

Amazing how you can diagnose someone so quickly and easily, leaving the rest of us waiting for years for our own diagnoses! Brava.

OP, a an autistic woman yourself I hope you disregard this offensive claptrap and put your own needs first. You need and deserve a safe and loving partner who doesn't make you walk on eggshells or second guess your own human right to voice your feelings. That's it.

Whatever his father did is not for you to fix.

Even if that's the case, doesn't mean you have to simply live with it OP, no chance I would.