To tell my boyfriend when he's hurting me?

[ForJoyousAmberLurker]

My brain thinks there's no way I am in the wrong here but I'm autistic and worried I'm missing something subtle about the situation.

Every morning at the weekend my boyfriend of 8 years brings me a cup of coffee and we sit in bed and drink coffee and chat. This morning I'd rolled awkwardly in bed and my arm was stretched out in front of me. When he sat down on the edge of the bed to put our coffee down, he sat on my hand and wrist, which woke me up pretty sharply! I tried to pull my hand out without bothering him but couldn't without hurting more so I said "hey, sorry, you're on my hand" in a non-confrontational voice (I hate arguing). He jumped up and grabbed his coffee and started to leave the room. I asked where he was going and he said, "I hurt you, I'll leave." I said, "it was an accident, come back" but he left anyway and now I'm starting my day stewing over whether I've upset him.

He's like this during intimacy sometimes too -- if he accidentally hurts me and I say "ow!" or something, he'll immediately shut down and then it becomes my job to reassure him and make him feel better. I've asked him, "surely you would rather I told you if you're hurting me?" and he says of course but then he just absolutely hates it if I ever mention it. It's got to the point where I sometimes just put up with pain because I can't stand the idea of having to spend hours making him feel better about having hurt me.

Feel like I'm going mad, should I be doing something differently?

Exactly this. He is silencing you. He should apologise not act like you are unreasonable. This is abusive.

You are not here to fix someone else and pander to their needs at the avoidance of your own.
This is so unhealthy for you to continue walking on eggshells, and people rarely change. Walk away before you are in too deep.

You deserve better don't sound compatible.

You really don't want to spend your life (you only get one!), confused about the intentions of, or walking on egg shells around the person you are closest too.

Don't think you can change him, he could try harder, but as the relationship matures he will slip back to his natural reactions and you will have wasted too much time on someone who doesn't make you happy.

OP, kindly, this doesnt sound healthy

as an autistic woman myself, I can really emphasise, but I do know that we are often vulnerable to abuse.

He MAY be autistic. Or he may just be a bit nasty and damaged, and is using that excuse as a get out for his behaviour.

As an autistic woman, and having a partner who is also, I do understand the defensive behaviour - but it is usually in the moment, and after some pontification, we are both able to look at ourselves and apologise, and more importantly MAKE EFFORT TO CHANGE so as to be aware and try not to do the thing again. This doenst sound like whats going on here - you seem to be in a situation where his feelings/needs/wants come at the expense of yours, even to the point of him hurting you and then making it about his hurt feelings should you dare to complain.

So my bets are not on ASD, but something more like a personality disorder, possibly based around the trauma of his parent's violence to him as a child. Yes, it will make him insecure, and he may well recognise it, but its up to him to deal with that, you are NOT a therapist, and even if you were, it would be unethical for you to treat him. But what you dont do is enable the behaviour, especially to your own detriment.

Personality disorder male / ASD female relationships have the potential to be hugely abusive and damaging. Take care

There's something wrong here. You shouldn't be afraid to tell him when you're in pain. I recommend you speak up more and if it's still difficult, I'd bail out. Life is too short to be with anyone who doesn't care for you.

I assumed he might also be ND as we tend to gather. (Hyper-sensitivity to rejection of any sort, intended or not is not at all unusual). However, challenging as it is to live in an NT world when you feel so different does not excuse grown adults from seeking to understand and manage our own behaviour that affects the ones we love negatively.

You have a right to feel that your feelings are every bit as important as his. If he will not hear you and act on it then leave.

You can’t fix someone else, OP. They have to do it themselves. Whether it’s his neurodivergence or his upbringing that’s influencing his behaviour, it’s his responsibility to acknowledge and manage it, not yours.

Controlling behaviour is not always malicious or planned, but it’s always unacceptable. It’s simply conditioning someone else to always centre your feelings, anticipate your reactions and modify their behaviour to accommodate your sensitivities. Even if it means completely ignoring their own feelings and tying themselves in knots to do so. Trust me, if you continue to live for years with a controlling person, you will end up becoming a desperate shadow of yourself under the weight of responsibility for someone else’s moods and mental health.

The fact he’s already conditioned you so heavily that you question your right to even speak when he hurts you accidentally is shocking. This will only ever get worse and start to encroach on many other aspects of your life if he’s unwilling or unable to address it. I’m glad you’re open to rethinking this relationship, OP, because it doesn’t sound like it’ll end happily for you.

Agree with everyone there's something deeply weird about this. Lack of empathy is a big red flag.

Sounds a dead loss and is coercive. Controls by sulking, bloody nightmare. Get out asap.

He said he was upset that our first interaction of the day was me pulling away from him, and that it reminded him of other times he didn't feel wanted. He said he knows it's irrational but it's connected to other feelings of being "discarded". He wasn't able to elaborate on what I'm doing to make him feel discarded

Oh good grief what waffling bollocks!

Most people would notice that they had sat on someone's hand & move.

Most people would just shout "you're on my hand!" with the expectation of the other person getting up & apologising!

Short version-it shouldn't be this difficult!

So will you apologise to him when you "make" him punch you? Push you down the stairs? Grab you round the throat?

Stop getting upset that his feefees are hurt and worry about your very real, physical pain that he's inflicting on you.

His sulking and gaslighting is immature, a massive red flag and you are absolutely right to tell him off for hurting you. Ffs don't have a baby with him.

Ironically, what you need to do is to discard him.

He sounds like a moany pain in the arse who makes everything about him.

To sum up: he hurt you and then made it seem like the real problem was you making him feel bad about it. Not him hurting you.

This is what coercive control looks like, OP.

Autism/crappy parents/stress are irrelevant.

Get out of this relationship asap.
Please.
He's a fxxked up head wreck.

It is NOT YOU.
It's him.
Get the hell out.

Sorry I'm a little overwhelmed by the number of responses!
My hand/arm was fully under the duvet. The "accidental hurting" is often small things like leaning on my hair or trying to hug me but crushing my arm weirdly, that sort of thing. During sex it's more like being too rough or not changing position when I ask. I have endometriosis so sex is often painful.

That's a very strange reaction from him. If DH accidentally sat on my hand of course I'd tell him - did he really expect you to leave your hand where it was to spare his feelings?!
Also I have been married 15 years and DH has accidentally hurt me maybe 2/3 times in all that time, if he's "accidentally" hurting you a lot then that's a bit worrying

I don’t think for a second he is coercively abusing you or hurting you on purpose, all the examples you have given just prove that he or both of you are quite awkward with each other, things like catching hair or your arm awkwardly while hugging. He also didn’t know your arm was there. The whole relationship sounds odd, you both need to learn how to be more natural in your interactions and responses or maybe just leave it. Sometimes people don’t find a rhythm together, but it’s interesting everyone has jumped to the fact he is abusing you, he just sounds like a lummox who needs to be a bit more mature in his responses, an adult saying ‘owww’ all the time can be quite annoying as well.

Also I have been married 15 years and DH has accidentally hurt me maybe 2/3 times in all that time, if he's "accidentally" hurting you a lot then that's a bit worrying

I agree with this.

And it's not just that.

It's his reaction.

Oh come on, an arm under your arse feels quite different to it just being the bed. 🙄

I am married 30 years and I can't think of a single time my husband has hurt me.
This is not normal.

Thank you, that's so kind of you to say

If he's regularly hurting you and getting annoyed when you tell him, it's likely not as accidental as you think

Op I've just read you've said you have endometriosis and sex is often painful. I am waiting on diagnosis but it's likely I have endometriosis. My partner has stopped initiating because he doesn't want me to have sex I don't enjoy. He never gets arsey about it. He's said sex is only a small part of our relationship and he couldn't enjoy sex that was hurting me.

If I feel up to it, I initiate. He checks in with me during and always stops if I express I'm in pain. I'd do the same for him in these circumstances because it's supposed to be good for both of you in a loving relationship

This is really frightening to read. You are putting up with painful sex because it hurts his feelings to tell him? He shouldn't want to hurt you. How can he hurt you but turn it round so you feel sorry for him? Run away from this abusive man.

If he is not listening to you when he is actively hurting you during sex and carrying on with what he wants, roughly, you are in an abusive relationship. These 'accidental hurtings' are not accidental; he is training you to be quiet about it.