To tell my boyfriend when he's hurting me?

[ForJoyousAmberLurker]

My brain thinks there's no way I am in the wrong here but I'm autistic and worried I'm missing something subtle about the situation.

Every morning at the weekend my boyfriend of 8 years brings me a cup of coffee and we sit in bed and drink coffee and chat. This morning I'd rolled awkwardly in bed and my arm was stretched out in front of me. When he sat down on the edge of the bed to put our coffee down, he sat on my hand and wrist, which woke me up pretty sharply! I tried to pull my hand out without bothering him but couldn't without hurting more so I said "hey, sorry, you're on my hand" in a non-confrontational voice (I hate arguing). He jumped up and grabbed his coffee and started to leave the room. I asked where he was going and he said, "I hurt you, I'll leave." I said, "it was an accident, come back" but he left anyway and now I'm starting my day stewing over whether I've upset him.

He's like this during intimacy sometimes too -- if he accidentally hurts me and I say "ow!" or something, he'll immediately shut down and then it becomes my job to reassure him and make him feel better. I've asked him, "surely you would rather I told you if you're hurting me?" and he says of course but then he just absolutely hates it if I ever mention it. It's got to the point where I sometimes just put up with pain because I can't stand the idea of having to spend hours making him feel better about having hurt me.

Feel like I'm going mad, should I be doing something differently?

Thanks -- I know my response probably doesn't make a lot of sense to people either, but in some respects my dad is very similar (overreacts wildly to small criticisms) and there have been many times in this relationship where I've inadvertently messed up an entire day because I pointed out something that upset me. It seems insane when I type it out like that. So yes I would say I'm walking on eggshells.

He said he knows it's irrational but it's connected to other feelings of being "discarded". He wasn't able to elaborate on what I'm doing to make him feel discarded

He is showing insight, next step is for recognise that the issue is with him, and it's a trigger that HE needs to manage. He needs to learn coping strategies so he unlearns his reactions

Okay, walking on eggshells is totally different to my situation. I would be reevaluating the relationship and encouraging him into therapy.

He sounds either a bit pathetic or abusive, neither of which are things to stick around for.

A reasonable response to being told you're inadvertently causing discomfort to someone is to adjust what you're doing while saying "oh, sorry, I didn't mean to - are you ok?". What he's doing is making it all about him and putting the expectation on you (the person actually hurt) to make him feel all better. That isn't healthy or fair.

Then you tell him he has a lot of therapy to do and that need to be his focus. And, again, end the relationship.

Because you are not doing anything.

he is an absolute bullshitter. He is prepping you to take abuse.

He was hit by both his parents and frequently says that it didn't affect him at all. We were both kids in the 90s when hitting/smacking children was a bit of a hot topic -- my parents were very anti-smacking but his were in the "didn't do me any harm" camp

Contact women's aid if you need support to leave

Honestly this would be a deal breaker for me unless he is going to start actively addressing this and finding a coping mechanism. You should be able to tell your partner they're physically hurting you without them stropping off and trying to make you feel bad about it probably to try and stop you complaining.

Your saying he's hurting you by accident isn't a criticism.

He sounds like he's a bully.

First off, I would always tell him that's he's hurting you.

And if he overreacts massively the bizarre way he has been doing, then. I would not grace it with any attention whatsoever.

Just get on with your day. If he talks about it, just tell him you think his reaction is daft.

It does sound like he's training you to accept anything without complaint.

Does he behave like this with other people he might a accidently hurt like bumping into them?

Sounds like manipulative twaddle to me.

Why does he say this frequently

Read this until it sinks in.

This is exactly what he's doing. Get out now.

I agree. Why would this come up in conversation at all?

Didn't do him any harm ....to the extent that he thinks it's ok to hurt you.

Time to bring this relationship to an end.

He needs counselling ASAP. I grew up the same time and was hit by both my parents as a small child in a disciplinary way it definitely affected me and I swore I would never hit my kids because of it. I wasn’t traumatised by it but it still impacted on me. He is wildly overreacting to a normal interaction so he needs to get to the bottom of it as it’s impacting on you and your relationship.

Look, this guy needs therapy. And he needs to be the one to decide that and do that for himself. His lack of appropriate behaviour is hurting you physically and emotionally. He will get worse. You cannot save him. You cannot make it better for him. He will make your life worse.

he is regularly physically hurting you and then intentionally making you feel bad for hurting you. And then blaming something that happened 30 years ago for it.

dont choose this man.

so his solution is that he remains sitting on your hand and hurting you or you are not allowed to have feelings
his feelings of being discarded do not trump yours - this is no way to live pushing down your emotions to protect his (and certainly means parenting/kids is off the table parenting is full of accidentally upsetting your kids)
for me he either gets help addressing this issue/stops acting like it and just does the normal thing of sorry I didn’t mean to or he goes

My first thought was that he's not very nice and quite probably hurting you on purpose. You're not missing anything subtle. He's horrible

My ExH was like this.

I eventually stopped having sec with him because he'd regularly (not intentionally) hurt me and if I told him and asked to move position/whatever he'd get really upset and sulky so I just put up with the pain. But then I never enjoyed it it just always hurt so I didn't want to do it.

Throw him back. This is a him problem not a you problem.

It really doesn't matter the reason he is doing this, the effect is that you are walking on eggshells. This is a sign you need to leave the relationship, sooner, rather than later.

If he were so worried about abandonment, he'd quit the way he's behaving. I agree with those who say he is trying to make you accept pain rather than tell him - and it's already happening. What kind of person would punish their 'loved one' for pointing out they are in pain? One who wants to cause pain to them is who.

He might not be setting you up to let him hurt you. But having a strop every time he does something wrong will turn into strops because you asked him to please not leave dirty dishes in the sink, not put whites in with the colours wash etc, and do you want to be living like that?

You are allowed to leave a relationship for any reason, or no reason at all.

But he's hurting you and doesn't seem to mind, makes it all about him instead. That's a big reason. An important reason.

It is not your problem to solve if your BF has issues. You need to leave this man. Best wishes OP.

He's a wrong un as a PP said. He knows exactly what he's doing.

Personally, I think it's useful to know the reason for problematic behaviour. It's how we learn to avoid similar issues in the future. Knowing the reason for a behaviour doesn't mean that you need to stick around.

If he isn't willing to work on himself, then he needs to go in the bin.