To tell my boyfriend when he's hurting me?

[ForJoyousAmberLurker]

My brain thinks there's no way I am in the wrong here but I'm autistic and worried I'm missing something subtle about the situation.

Every morning at the weekend my boyfriend of 8 years brings me a cup of coffee and we sit in bed and drink coffee and chat. This morning I'd rolled awkwardly in bed and my arm was stretched out in front of me. When he sat down on the edge of the bed to put our coffee down, he sat on my hand and wrist, which woke me up pretty sharply! I tried to pull my hand out without bothering him but couldn't without hurting more so I said "hey, sorry, you're on my hand" in a non-confrontational voice (I hate arguing). He jumped up and grabbed his coffee and started to leave the room. I asked where he was going and he said, "I hurt you, I'll leave." I said, "it was an accident, come back" but he left anyway and now I'm starting my day stewing over whether I've upset him.

He's like this during intimacy sometimes too -- if he accidentally hurts me and I say "ow!" or something, he'll immediately shut down and then it becomes my job to reassure him and make him feel better. I've asked him, "surely you would rather I told you if you're hurting me?" and he says of course but then he just absolutely hates it if I ever mention it. It's got to the point where I sometimes just put up with pain because I can't stand the idea of having to spend hours making him feel better about having hurt me.

Feel like I'm going mad, should I be doing something differently?

Yes I'm pretty sure he is. Unlike me he has no interest in getting a diagnosis or understanding himself better. Ever since I've known him he's used "I'm autistic" as a reason for avoiding spending time with my family and friends, avoiding certain activities that I would like us to do together, or spending all his time on "him" activities.

All of you saying I need to leave, I hear you 😬

This is very sad. He may not wish to speak to a therapist but I do think you should speak to your own therapist about the violence he experienced.
It certainly helps to explain his reaction to accidentally hurting you. It seems to me that you have a fundamentally good relationship and shouldn’t be rushing to end it.

The more you pussy foot around him and try not to upset him, the more you will reinforce his behaviour - and your self esteem will continue to nose dive to the extent that you have to come onto this forum and question whether you are being reasonable to complain about being hurt. Find your power OP, his behaviour is not OK.

Yes, you stop spending hours reassuring him. Let him shut down and just get on with your day.

Definitely don't put up with pain just to avoid his weirdness.

Wow there's some reaching here!

Yes it could be manipulative. BUT my first read of it was that this could also be a neurodiverse response. It's made me think of my daughter who has rejection sensitivity where is she feels even remotely that she has done anything wrong she will either meltdown or shutdown and it is very difficult to talk to her about it.

I think people have asked some really leading questions here which have a variety of meanings e.g "walking on eggshells" which could imply either being scared if someone or just that someone is being a bit snappy.

That being said you do need to reflect on if this happens ONLY when he has hurt you or at other times too. Is this something that is just about blaming you when you've got hurt or is it about being unable to cope with the situation.

In all honesty if you can't interpret that after some consideration then you probably shouldn't be together.

It sounds like he is autistic too, and it's something he just can't deal with. But you're not wrong for telling him, definitely not.

Yep. I'm not excusing his behaviour, but even when I'd read no further than the OP, I wondered what was in his background for him to panic when he accidentally hurts someone.

Given that he's accepted that he reacted oddly and started to mention a reason, I'd try to find out more. They're are two potential outcomes. It might be something stemming from childhood, in which case I'd encourage him to get some counselling. Or worst case scenario, he blames your behaviour, in which case it seems like the relationship is coming to an end. But either way, you'll know where you stand.

Sorry, I missed a page. Yep, it looks like he's unlikely to want to address this in any way that requires him to behave unselfishly.

He sounds like a petulant pain in the ass. You sure you want to be with him?

There's something very wrong here.

You should not be walking on eggshells ever.

You must be able to speak up for yourself instantly if hurt and expect a normal, sympathetic reaction that is about you and your experience.

Your BF is making this ALL about HIM. As your dad did. There's something very wrong with both of them - and with their expectations of others; that you should and will baby and indulge them and suppress your own experience and pain in favour of tiptoeing around their hurty feelings.

I think oversensitivity to criticism/ inability to process shame is a common autistic trait. Is either of them autistic? Given you are, it's likely your dad could be too. Your bf could be reacting to his harsh childhood.

But that issue - and its impact on their ability to form and maintain adult relationships - is not your problem to solve, it's theirs. You're not their nanny, they're not small children. You're a daughter and a girlfriend. They should both be FAR more concerned about you and your experience than their own.

Selfish, self-indulgent twats who believe the world revolves around them and women exist to serve their interests, the pair of them.

Sorry but it's true.

If I sat on someone’s hand AND WRIST I would notice straightaway, without being told, and jump up straightaway to apologise
A wrist is quite a bump when you’re expecting a smooth mattress.
i think he knows he’s hurting you and waiting for your response so he can have a further dig at you. Sorry. 😞

He's trying to train you to shut up when he hurts you or behaves badly.

I can't see it any other way.

I think you need to point this out to him in a conversation in a neutral space in public. That his behaviour (walking out, refusing to engage) whenever he (accidentally) hurts you and then forcing you to constantly reassure him for long periods of time so he'll engage with you again is concerning behaviour from your perspective as it seems like it's designed to get you to be silent whenever he's hurt you or you need some support, not the other way around.

If he can't respond calmly to this and really take it on board (which I doubt, btw), then he's not a good long term prospect imo.

Thinking back over the last few months - I can’t remember a single situation where DH has ‘accidentally hurt me’ - maybe he might roll on to my hair? But that’s a non-event becuase I just say ‘babe - my hair’ and he immediately reshuffles. Two things concern me about your OP

• that he is accidentally hurting you with any frequency at all
• he is blowing it out of proportion and making it about you reassuring him when it happens.

I can’t tell whether he’s actively abusive or just clumsy and emotionally immature - either way, I think he’s someone to create distance from.

You are not his therapist. If he says that this is all linked to past situations then he needs therapy.

What would happen if you got up and went out for the day without speaking to him as firstly judging by his reaction he wasn’t going to speak to you anyway and secondly because in his words the day was ruined so you decided to go out and do what you want to do

Personally even after 8 years I would dump and run. Just because his reactions are so predictable.
You then having to apologise to him and calm him down is just doing the same thing over and over and it is clearly not working and so very very boring and I couldn’t be arsed to do it again

It does sound like rejection sensitivity but there's a very weird element to it. As a PP said, how would he not notice he sat on your HAND?? I agree you need to leave. He can be neurodivergent AND abusive as well.

it never takes long for examples of abuse to be labelled as autism. autism or no autism, he is an abuser and op cannot change that.

His behaviour and his reaction is really wrong. It’s not possible to sit on someone’s hand and arm under a quilt without feeling it. You might not realise it’s there as you start to sit, because it’s under the quilt and you can’t see it, but as your bum lands you can feel the shape of the arm under you and a normal reaction would be to immediately stand up again so you don’t hurt the person by putting your full weight on them. And when he’s fully sat on you and you to try to remove your arm he can definitely feel that, and he’s pretending not to. Something is very wrong with how he behaves towards you, I’m sorry.

I think you should leave him. It’s not going to get any better IMO.

Do you think your partner could also have a form of autism?

I recently found there is a thing called Rejection Sensitivity Dysphoria which sounds might be what your bf is having. Its basically that any potentially negative thing said towards him he perceives as threat and its telling him he is absolutely useless.
Apparently it oftern runs with ADHD which does make sense, especially if you look at ADHD as Gabor Maté which is basically PTSD type of bahaviour/functioning. He explains this in his book called Scattered Minds.

Your bf's reaction is not normal. A normal thing when he accidentally sits on your arm and you say 'Ouch, you are sitting on my hand' whould be along the lines 'Oh, I am so sorry, I didnt mean that!'. Not getting into offended passive aggressive mode.

So he shuts down. Can he explain why he shuts down - does be panic and then flooded with self doubt for example

If someone accidentally hurts you, all you have to say is something like “ouch, you’re hurting me because you’re sat on my arm”

And their immediate response should be to jump up and apologise.

If there is no apology then that’s completely unacceptable.

The fact that there is no apology and you’re having to explain yourself/apologise on top is actually really scary behaviour.

These are huge red flags and I would be ending it this weekend.
And I genuinely hope you’re one of the very few posters who do actually do this.

Your partner is meant to be the person you feel 100% comfortable around.
If you cannot tell someone as simple as that they are hurting you, then it’s the completely wrong relationship.

Jesus fucking christ.

"OWW MY HAND!"

" Aah shit! Sorry I didn't see where your arm was"

Optional hug or something. Continue with day.

Being too polite to tell someone they are causing you pain is just... I don't think there is a word for it. Having a sulk when someone tells you that you have hurt them? Lots of words for that, I'd go with "total arsehole".

My DP is autistic, dyslexic, has dyscalculia like me, but has ADHD and Irlen's syndrome.
But in no way shape or form would he behave like this or hurt me. Never has. Ever. Horrendous childhood and I mean SA, all sorts.
But never has he hidden behind it to hurt or manipulate me.
In fact he cooks, cleans, organising date nights and wakes me up each morning with a coffee and a kiss, he's special, unique and I wouldn't be without him.
This is what you deserve, angel xxx

OP I thought I’d just mention this. Cycles of violence repeat themselves. I had an abusive ex who did this. Essentially he reacted like this whenever he hurt me (especially during sex) and I stopped mentioning it to avoid the day (or days) of awkward hurt feelings where I had to grovel despite him being in the wrong.

Upshot: he got the kind of rough sex he wanted without me complaining. He TRAINED ME not to complain about it and I took forever to realise. Turns out his Dad knocked his mum around when he was younger and coercively controlled her. I took longer than I should to leave, because this treatment didn’t start until we were years in to the relationship. Which tells me he was self aware enough about it to avoid it during the honeymoon period before he had me tied in to a mortgage and I was madly in love with him.

You are worth more than this.