to think solo train travel is not a big deal for most adults?

[traintaker]

My friend and I both attended a wedding that was some distance away in a location we haven’t been to before. Neither of us wanted to do a long drive so we booked train tickets. It was a five hour journey including two train changes. (We are both single, for context, hence planning this together).

We each booked our own tickets, but discussed which trains we’d get. The day before we went, I realised that I had some work that I needed to finish, so I text my friend saying that I would be catching a later train (I booked an anytime ticket) so I would see her at the hotel (we were travelling down the day before so no particular deadline).

She was really upset with me, because she didn’t want to do the journey alone. Not just because it wouldn’t be as much fun, but because she was scared to do it alone. She had bought tickets for a specific train so didn’t have the same flexibility as me, but nevertheless she actually bought new tickets, at great expense, so that she could travel with me at the new time, and now I feel awful and as though I was totally unreasonable for not checking with her first before changing my travel plans.

I have known this friend for 25 years and she has never said anything to me about being a nervous traveller, we have actually flown abroad together twice (as part of a bigger group) and have caught the train many times. She is not a particularly nervous person (or so I thought) and I am now questioning myself because the thought never even crossed my mind that going on a long train journey alone would be a big deal for an average adult with no disabilities or mental health problems. I am a very independent person by nature though, and I enjoy going to places by myself.

So this is just a reality check for me really. Was I unreasonable in assuming that she would be okay making this journey on her own?

I was totally unreasonable for not checking with her first before changing my travel plans.

Of course you were, you'd both arranged a 5 hour train journey together, it's thoughtless to message the day before saying you're changing trains.

I'd presume she meant she was apprehensive rather than scared as in terrified or phobic of travelling alone. If she drives and it's been a while since she's caught a train along with it being a long journey I don't think that's overly wild.

If I were your friend I would have been really upset. I'd have felt like my company wasn't important to you, like we'd arranged to spend 5 hours together and then you just bailed on me nonchalantly. I'm perfectly capable of a 5 hour train journey by myself and would do it but it would also make me a bit anxious and I wouldn't enjoy it. This is because I've been accosted by weirdos on trains in the past. So in her situation I would have also bought new tickets and then feel resentful and hurt and I'd back off from your friendship.

I am perfectly happy catching a train on my own. A lot of people are. Some with experience others without. It is fantastic to have that feedom

My husband cannot do it. He just can't. He gets anxiety attacks to the point he collapses and is taken to hospital. However he is quite happy to jump on his bike and bikepack across Europe or the Americas. That level of self supported travel is way out of most people's comfort zone... But he still can't catch a train on his own. Even a short commuter trip let alone several hours with changes.

He is quite happy to catch a plane or bus on his own... Just trains cause a problem.

It is not something that comes up in conversation with friends because he has workarounds so friends are unlikely to know. Your friends behaviour sounds like a workaround... But what you did was book a flexible ticket because you presumably knew that it might be needed but talked about the plans as if they were rock solid. She may have decided to book a flexible ticket if she knew it was a possibility or arranged to drive from the outset instead. You failed to give her all the information up front so she could make an informed decision.

Different people have different quirks. I cannot eat grapes or touch a worm. Weird by most people's standards but no less real to me.

@Strawberrycheesecake7 its weird because I’ve used the train or tube since I was 9 to & from school & flown a fair bit unaccompanied as a child but hours long train journeys to places I’ve never been would make me anxious. Not done one for about 15 yrs though so trains/tech may have improved 😆

Time to look for a new friend. She definitely looks like hard work.

I'd be really annoyed with you, if you'd planned to travel together. It's part of the fun. But I wouldn't have bothered buying another ticket

I don't know why you are being criticised OP. You had to take a different train because of work, and supposedly your friend is an adult without disabilities and able to make a train journey on her own without a problem, like millions of us do every day.

Don't sweat it if she's off with you. Her issue, her problem. She'll come off her perch eventually.

Having said that even for short journeys I was never a fan of slammer trains, sometimes it was a struggle to reach my arm out the window & I would hope an adult would be getting off too.

I might feel a bit put out if I'd planned to travel with a friend and booked my tickets on that basis and then they changed their plans at the last minute. That was a little inconsiderate of you.

But no, it's not usual for an adult to be scared of travelling by train on their own, and booking new tickets at great expense is just mad.

Wow your nice

I think what I would have been upset about here is that if I had been doing this, I would really have been looking forward to chatting to my friend and getting some quality time in. I would have been planning to make sure I got my work done, perhaps working late an evening beforehand.

And then your off hand, never mind, see you there, thing would have made me think that you hadn't really been looking forward to it or planning things around it.

Basically I would feel a bit hurt. I wouldn't have changed my tickets because that would have made me feel a bit pathetic.

I don't think it's unreasonable to expect someone to be able to travel alone, but I do think it's really quite rude to unilaterally change plans the day before without checking. A journey that long is inevitably a bit of a social occasion, and for me would be much nicer with company even though I wouldn't need company.

If it was that good a friend, I would have asked if this was okay first. Regardless of whether she is a nervous traveller, 5 hours on the train is pretty dull and it's not unreasonable to prefer to do this with a friend rather than alone.

Another one here who thinks you were rude to unilaterally change your plans at short notice without even having the courtesy to let her know. Personally i’d have no problem in principle with travelling alone by train, but I would be miffed at how you’d handled it.

You've been friends for 25 years, both going to a wedding that involves a five-hour journey and an overnight stay at an hotel, so it's really a bit of a girls 'weekend' away.

So yes you are being unreasonable by getting a later train at short notice, as if it were just a work conference.

So you would tell your boss you have to go home early because your friend said so?

I would have been relieved - much prefer travelling solo on a train. It’s such a peaceful way to travel.

I would have been the same, OP. I don’t think you were rude.

You were rude to put your work first. Couldn't you have finished it on the train?
If you had a flight booked, presumably you would not have stayed at work and caught a later fliight (talking about a principle here, rather than logistics before anyone jumps), because it's not as easy to be so cavalier with plans when flying.
You had travel booked. You had plans with your friend. You let her down and cost her money.
You were very unreasonable. I would be very disappointed in you if I were the friend. You clearly have other priorities

No I'd tell my boss I can't stay later then usual as I have plans

I don't know what trains you get that are 'peaceful '. Majority of the thet are nousy, crowded, late and anything but!

@traintaker

I think I would have communicated intentions before changing plans.

Personally - if I was your friend, I’d have not been bothered at all. I would have enjoyed the alone time, read a book etc.

However I know certain friends who would not be fine with it. I’d never say it out loud, it irritates me when I feel I have to behave a certain way to suit other people - I hate the feeling of my actions being controlled.

You haven’t done anything wrong IMO. If your friends is making you feel bad, citing the expense, and now telling you she’s fearful of travelling alone - I’d distance myself from her somewhat.

The OP wouldn't have done this if there was a flight to catch.
She has treated her friend abomninably, now is trying to assuage the guilt by dissing her friend's anxiety about solo travel
Charming

could she be menopausal?
or has she just become anxious
or perhaps she just wanted to make a journey more pleasant

@ClytemnestraWasMisunderstood

Flight is different from a train. You book a set flight, and OP had an anytime ticket.

I wonder if OP assumed her friend had an anytime ticket too.

If I had work pressure to finish something before I left, had an anytime ticket, I’d do the same!

Plans with my friends are more important than last minute work. So yes I would explain to my boss that it would be dealt with during normal working hours because I have prior plans that cannot be changed.

I guess I work to live not live to work. Once employers realise that they are better organised... And last minute work does not magically appear.