to think solo train travel is not a big deal for most adults?

[traintaker]

My friend and I both attended a wedding that was some distance away in a location we haven’t been to before. Neither of us wanted to do a long drive so we booked train tickets. It was a five hour journey including two train changes. (We are both single, for context, hence planning this together).

We each booked our own tickets, but discussed which trains we’d get. The day before we went, I realised that I had some work that I needed to finish, so I text my friend saying that I would be catching a later train (I booked an anytime ticket) so I would see her at the hotel (we were travelling down the day before so no particular deadline).

She was really upset with me, because she didn’t want to do the journey alone. Not just because it wouldn’t be as much fun, but because she was scared to do it alone. She had bought tickets for a specific train so didn’t have the same flexibility as me, but nevertheless she actually bought new tickets, at great expense, so that she could travel with me at the new time, and now I feel awful and as though I was totally unreasonable for not checking with her first before changing my travel plans.

I have known this friend for 25 years and she has never said anything to me about being a nervous traveller, we have actually flown abroad together twice (as part of a bigger group) and have caught the train many times. She is not a particularly nervous person (or so I thought) and I am now questioning myself because the thought never even crossed my mind that going on a long train journey alone would be a big deal for an average adult with no disabilities or mental health problems. I am a very independent person by nature though, and I enjoy going to places by myself.

So this is just a reality check for me really. Was I unreasonable in assuming that she would be okay making this journey on her own?

Why? Things change. Thats life.

I don't think you are unreasonable to assume that solo train travel is not a huge issue for most adults, but I do think you were unreasonable to change plans at such short notice without any discussion with your friend. I think if I'd made a commitment to travel a long distance with another person I'd try to stick to the agreement barring emergencies. And if I had to change plans I'd try to give more notice than the day before unless something genuinely completely unexpected had occurred. In your friend's shoes I wouldn't have bought new tickets but I would have been a bit miffed as whilst I'm more than capable of solo travel, in the circumstances you describe I think I'd prefer to travel with a friend. I think she over reacted but you were a bit thoughtless.

You were a bit unreasonable not discussing the change first, because you’d arranged the trip together.

that said, you had no way of knowing that a train journey on her own would scare her. I don’t think it would scare most people, but I can see that there could be a significant amount of people that it might scare for one reason or another. I’ve been followed by a weird man on a train - I moved 4 carriages and tucked myself into a busy area and he actually came
looking for me, found me, and told me he’d been looking for me. Creepy fucking weirdo - I was young and very scared and called my boyfriend to meet me at the place I was changing, rather than doing the rest of the journey alone. That said, these days, I’d give a death stare and stand my ground. But as a 21yo, I was really scared.

I’m not sure why anyone is saying, “I’m not bothered by getting on a train.” It’s not about any of you. The friend is scared. We’re all different. I’m scared of spiders. Everyone on here might love them.

Don’t feel awful though, OP. You didn’t know. Changing your plans was entirely reasonable with the history and info you had.

Travelling solo on a train isn't a big deal but if you have planned to travel with someone then it is unreasonable to change plans last minute.

I wouldn't have a morbid fear of solo train travel but everyone had their thing. For some people it's spiders, lifts, balloons or even buttons. For some, a last minute change can be a big problem. For me it's finger/toenails that have come off. Your friend might be brilliant with buttons or nails. Live and let live.

It's hard to lump all men together for this question. Their vulnerability when travelling is affected to a greater extent by age, health etc. as to whether they'd be able to fend off a theoretical attacker (particular at the 'finding their way in an unfamiliar place' stage of the trip). Women are far more vulnerable in this situation.

I have two friends who refuse to drive on a main road and will only go via country roads. I personally think it is ludicrous but I'm a confident driver and I guess they are not. 🤷‍♀️

Thanks all.
Yes she’s definitely annoyed with me.
This happened a few weekends ago now, the weekend was fine but I can tell she’s still miffed.

I guess I was pretty offhand about it, but to me the journey was just a logistical thing. We were still going to be spending two nights in a hotel and the whole wedding day together, and that in my mind was the main event to be focusing on, the journey was just a matter of getting from A to B.

I'm happy to travel alone but would be mildly pissed off as I'd be looking forward to catching up/ socializing. Nothing to do with fear of traveling and I certainly wouldn't be booking extra tickets.

You're missing the point. You were incredibly rude to this "friend" !

If it were me I'd be looking forward to a solid 5 hours to catch up with a friend. That's a luxury and a lot of fun! The fact you flippantly cancelled at the last minute and are now posting on MN about how daft she is for wanting to change her ticket.. I mean wow. Very rude indeed.

And that’s fine. But to your friend it wasn’t just a logistical thing. Neither of you are wrong here. I hope things get back on track (excuse the unintended pun.)

I'm thinking this too. You said it was work to 'catch up on' so presumably you could have taken it with you? I'd have taken my laptop and said I would have a couple of hours chatting on the train and then get the work done. If I needed WiFi I'd have planned to do it later in the evening in my hotel room.

Hey, I’m not posting here to say how daft she is, I’m posting here because I’m feeling bad about it and was wondering if I’d been unreasonable to assume she’d be okay with the journey.

Message I’m getting is that I wasn’t unreasonable to assume that, however now that I know my friend is nervous I need to bear it in mind in future. Plus many people think I was rude to change my travel plans because to them the train journey would have been part of the fun.

I’m taking all this on board.

I'm happy to travel alone by car, plane, coach, underground, whatever. But I have a real thing about solo train travel and it makes me nervous. No reason I can explain, it just does. Maybe the friend is the same?

I'm not a nervous person by nature, quite the opposite. The name calling on this thread is unpleasant, everyone has something that makes them nervous.

I’d have thought the same as you about the travel being logistical rather than part of the fun side of the trip. Actually, I’ve found the thread quite useful as it wouldn’t have occurred to me that so many people would be annoyed about the changing plans aspect.

You weren’t unreasonable to think she would be OK to make the journey on her own. You were really rude to cancel on her at the last minute. If you were my friend, I’d be assuming we weren’t as close as I thought and downgrading you from friend to friendly acquaintance.

I wouldn’t have changed my ticket - spending any time with you would be the last thing I’d want to do at this point.

Wow that’s a really strong reaction. It honestly never occurred to me that somebody would care that much about a train journey. Food for thought for sure.

You made a commitment and then cancelled last minute. That's pretty flakey and I'd be annoyed too. Nothing to do with being scared of trains!

Surely if you agree to do something with a friend you do it, barring a major emergency? 5 hours is a long time.

I’m hearing all this criticism loud and clear.

To just clarify my own perspective, if I had cancelled coming to her birthday party, or her hen-do, or a weekend away together, I would understand the issue and I would never cancel something like that at the last minute, it would be very hurtful.
But I just never classed a train journey to somebody else’s wedding as a personal commitment even close to that level.

It's not about the train journey. It's about the fact that you agreed to do something with someone and then bailed. Although if you bought a Flexi ticket you obviously always thought you might change plans so maybe your communication wasn't very clear? Did you tell her you might need to work late and did she know you were getting a flexible ticket? Or did you just assume she wouldn't mind you dropping out last minute?

In my mind, it has nothing to do with what the activity is. I actually usually prefer not to travel with someone - give me headphones and a book any day. Five hours enforced proximity / socialising is something I’d only do with someone I was close to. If that person made it clear they were happy to break an arrangement to be in my company for multiple hours at the last minute I’d assume that said something about how they saw our relationship so I’d back off and assume I’d misjudged how close we were.

You planned to travel with her on a long journey and let her down the day before because you want to do work instead. Yes that’s crap and is no different to cancelling a meal out etc. clearly she’s not ok travelling the 5 hours and 2 train changes on her own as she’s now hugely out of pocket to not so so.
I don’t mind getting the train alone but have had some pretty awful hassle from men on 2 occasions, there will be a reason she doesn’t want to do it alone

But 5 hours 1:1 socialising is probably more than you would have at a party with other guests, although maybe not a weekend away if it’s just the two of you. Hence why I’d come up with an excuse not to travel with anyone but a very close friend.

Maybe you're one of those flakey people then... To me it wouldn't make any difference if it was a hen do or a drink at the pub, I'd always do what I said I would. But some people are inclined to drop out of things last minute - that's annoying