to think solo train travel is not a big deal for most adults?

[traintaker]

My friend and I both attended a wedding that was some distance away in a location we haven’t been to before. Neither of us wanted to do a long drive so we booked train tickets. It was a five hour journey including two train changes. (We are both single, for context, hence planning this together).

We each booked our own tickets, but discussed which trains we’d get. The day before we went, I realised that I had some work that I needed to finish, so I text my friend saying that I would be catching a later train (I booked an anytime ticket) so I would see her at the hotel (we were travelling down the day before so no particular deadline).

She was really upset with me, because she didn’t want to do the journey alone. Not just because it wouldn’t be as much fun, but because she was scared to do it alone. She had bought tickets for a specific train so didn’t have the same flexibility as me, but nevertheless she actually bought new tickets, at great expense, so that she could travel with me at the new time, and now I feel awful and as though I was totally unreasonable for not checking with her first before changing my travel plans.

I have known this friend for 25 years and she has never said anything to me about being a nervous traveller, we have actually flown abroad together twice (as part of a bigger group) and have caught the train many times. She is not a particularly nervous person (or so I thought) and I am now questioning myself because the thought never even crossed my mind that going on a long train journey alone would be a big deal for an average adult with no disabilities or mental health problems. I am a very independent person by nature though, and I enjoy going to places by myself.

So this is just a reality check for me really. Was I unreasonable in assuming that she would be okay making this journey on her own?

@Aggie15 but this is where I am struggling. A NT adult with a phone and a credit card will not get "stranded" anywhere, let alone a British city with a Travelodge, Premier inn, Ubers around. The OP's friend is obviously not broke or she couldn't rebook. She's not illiterate or couldn't have booked the tickets in the first place. Stations that you change at have staff and noticeboards. There are apps like Trainline to tell you platforms and delays and alternate routes. "Finding a platform" involves looking up at signage. I travel on trains a lot so I know there can be issues but they are always solve-able. The only time it ever stressed me out was when I had my two very young kids with me who needed beds and food and changing etc but a solo adult, it is all very deal-able with by a normally functioning adult. Will it be a bit stressy? Maybe. Does that mean it is "anxiety inducing" and should be soothed and worked around with the OP possibly getting grief at work? No.

Again, the original question was would solo train travel NORMALLY be an issue and the answer, surely to God, is no, and if is an issue for more than 50% of the NT adult population then we have a major, major problem in this country.

I'm not saying his to be edgy or mean but if someone's anxiety is bad enough that the extremely common everyday experiences of 'finding a train platform' or 'missing a train' is enough for them to be severely impacted to the point they can't travel alone then I think it's on them to make that very clear beforehand that they'll need emotional support. I absolutely empathise with being very anxious about irrational things - you should see the state of me when I'm a passenger in anyone else's car, utterly convinced I'm going to die, have to take beta blockers if we're going on any journey longer than 30 minutes, I understand irrational anxiety about things that other people find fine and unremarkable. But I warn people beforehand and make my issue and my problem clear, so that it's obvious that I may need support (and so the people I'm travelling with are able to decide whether or not they want to offer it!).

In this instance, I don't think it's all that unusual to say to someone 'oh btw my travel plans changed so I'll see you there' - I don't think OP was being a bad friend, or doing something rude or unpleasant or even particularly unusual, and I think if OP's friend couldn't countenance the idea of travelling alone because her anxiety about something very normal is so severe then it's on her to say beforehand "btw, I could do with definitely, 100% travelling with you because I can't cope on train journeys alone". She's obviously done so now and good for her for finding a way to cope, but her being pissy with OP about it is unfair, imo.

There's an app with all info needed

I've travelled on trains, planes and automobiles on my own all over the world for 35 years and am in no way a nervous traveller.

However if I'd planned to travel on a 5 hour journey with someone and they let me down the day before I would be well fucked off.

I have no problems travelling by myself, but would be a bit upset if we'd planned to travel together and the other person changed it at the last minute to avoid travelling with me.

This.
I think YWBVU to have made arrangements for a lovely weekend with your friend, to then drop her at the last minute.

Yes, I could do the journey on my own, and would do the journey on my own if I needed to, but it would would FAR prefer spending the day with my friend.

But this isn't about the social aspect of things. That's a totally different question. This is about whether navigating the practical aspects of a train journey with a couple of changes is an unreasonable ask for most NT adults.

HOW can you assure me? Who have you surveyed? You saying something doesn't make it true!

https://www.mentalhealth.org.uk/explore-mental-health/statistics/anxiety-statistics apparently over 37% of women reported anxiety in 2022.
8 million adults in the UK are experiencing an anxiety disorder at any one time. https://championhealth.co.uk/insights/anxiety-statistics/
me.
In 2023/2024 8.7 million patients were prescribed antidepressants.

Of course not everyone's anxiety will manifest in being nervous about travelling, but it's fair to assume a lot will.

@another1bitestheduck but what does that mean "experienced anxiety"? How often, to what degree? In what circumstances? I mean, if we say "experienced anxiety" means gets in a bit of a flap over a tricky situation or was a bit apprehensive over a job interview or was worried about something actually difficult those are all different definitions, some justifiable, some not. What I think we have to start paying massive attention to is this epidemic of adults who can't apparently cope with totally normal every day things.

As I've said, I'm happy travelling alone and all of this makes sense to me - but as someone who has had anxiety, the key thing about it is that it is not logical or factual or reasonable, it doesn't matter how much you 'know' everything will be fine and any problems that arise are solvable, your body doesn't listen and you still get the shakes/sweats/stomach problems/insomnia/panic attacks or whatever.

I'm also an advocate of the best way to get over anxiety to (if possible) do the thing that scares you anyway BUT this is not always doable, and much harder if it is thrust upon you last minute rather than having time to plan, possibly get medication or whatever to help you cope.

Technically the OP asked "Was I unreasonable in assuming that she would be okay making this journey on her own?" rather than 'should most NT adults be capable of making such a journey alone?" which is a slightly different question and I would say usually trying not to make assumptions is better if possible. @EmmaMaria 's post is a good example of why people might not present outwardly with anxiety until the situation occurs.

I do think there's a certain irony that in this modern day of total connectedness and 24/7 communication and information, with almost no problem that can't be solved with access to the internet, a phone and apps, we are way more anxious on average about things like travel than in the 'old days' when there was much more genuine mild peril to cross country travel. I'm an old bat now but in my teens and twenties I used to go off around the country on trains and buses quite blase, no way of updating home on where I was/if I was alive, relied on the odd payphone in a hostel or writing postcards. There were no live-update platform departure boards or constant announcements at the stations and certainly no nice national rail journey planner or train line app to help manage the tickets and plan the journey, you tended to rely on paper timetables that might or might not be out of date. If you got lost somewhere, no google maps, you had to try and find an a - z or ask someone for directions, if you couldn't find the taxi rank again, no Uber, it was look for a phone booth with a mini cab card in it or hang around to see if you could flag a black cab down. If your friends' plans changed or they just didn't turn up to a planned meet up you couldn't panic, you kind of just had to get on with it and hope it worked out. And of course all money was cash so if you lost your wallet or it was stolen away from home you were really stuffed, best you could hope was maybe a physical trip to a bank or to cash a cheque to get some emergency money. And yet generally I really don't recall ever feeling particularly anxious or stressed about travel in those days, or any real calamity occuring despite some objectively quite risky decisions-making!

I guess maybe the answer was that people who today we would say suffer from anxiety and who hopefully we'd be supportive and understanding towards despite it being illogical/inconvenient to accommodate them, in those days lived very small/contained lives and just didn't go anywhere, and the problem was just hidden. Also I think generally pre smartphone people were more helpful to strangers and there was less aversion to asking for help, I can't remember the last time I asked or was asked for directions on the street, I think these days people are very suspicious/mistrusting...

No idea, but if comes from the ONS so a fairly good source. I mistyped, those 37% was actually experiencing "high" anxiety so I assume beyond the normal 'interview nerves,' but who knows?

I wasn't commenting on what it consisted of, the causes, whether it was a good thing, or what it said about society, just responding to the poster who said that a "statistically miniscule" proportion of society would struggle with such a journey but provided nothing to back that assertion up - the stats suggest that seems very unlikely. I don't think it would be 50% (I hope not!) but I would say a much higher proportion than would be expected wouldn't be happy with it.

It is interesting.
I would actually say at the most 'extreme' edge of anxiety it would be the opposite - they would have HAD to go out and had some interaction, to some extent years ago, even if just to their local shops to get food, or to go to work every day (no WFH!). Whereas now people can (and do!) literally not leave the house for years on end.

However with the 'still anxious but do do things' larger percentage of the population I agree, it SHOULD be much easier these days but for some reason, for many, it isn't. Perhaps it's a double edged sword, increased availability of information means we also hear far more bad news stories and dangers - before you'd only know if someone had been raped or mugged or whatever if a close friend or family member told you about it - now millions of people share things on X/reddit/MN etc. and it might seem a lot more prevalent than it is.

And of course, in your example specifically, I think younger people usually are far more blase about danger and we get more concerned as we get older. I was the same, I did loads of things when I was younger I'd be raising an eye at now. Although again stats do seem to suggest that trend is changing as well and younger people are the most anxious. I know so many teenage girls who are school refusers because of anxiety, it's really strange (and sad).

I think people are incredibly self-indulgent now compared to older generations that just bucked up and got on with things.

It's quite irritating. Quitting jobs because of "anxiety" or flaking on plans with friends due to "social anxiety" or "not coping."

That's because in the older generations people who suffered from mental illness or nd where locked up in asylums.

Yes all of those. Why not???

But that's the difference getting a train isn't an everyday occurrence for everyone. If you're someone who gets trains everyday then it easy to navigate but their will be people who haven't been on a train in 20+ years. Your situation is different of course you have to tell people because you get anxious in the car whether someone is their or not. Op friend is fine if someone is with her which was the original plan so it didn't need to be brought up as it wouldn't of been a problem if op had stuck to the original plan. I don't go round telling everyone my issues unless I have to.

Why not? Can you honestly not see why some people struggle with these things. Can you see how blessed you are that your life is easier then a lot of people's. I really hope you appreciate it as unfortunately these things can change very quickly. Nobody is immune from ill mental health.

But do you get angry with others if they can’t/won’t help you to do these things? Or do you just avoid them, full stop?

Of course. It's called being a functioning adult.

But even if you rarely do it, the process of getting a train isn't a complex or arduous thing in itself. Essentially it's about timing and reading signage. I get that doing something rarely makes it trickier but there's a difference between being a bit nervous and maybe leaving some extra time and actually not being able to do it. It's even worse with things like school runs and shops that so many people now seem to find a challenge. It's just normal life.

Again, when did we get to a point that these absolutely mundane things are so difficult? Maybe it is that phones / internet reduce our need to interact directly now. I make a point of actually calling my teens on their phones rather than just messaging them because of posts Ive read on here when people have said they find it difficult. I absolutely hate the idea that their lives might be blighted by restrictions like this and I'm actively talking to them about it.

And pity the OP having to do a 5 hour journey with THAT person.l! Any delay/change to plans and the OP will be expected to soothe her like she is a dependent child.
Everyone faces difficulties and unexpected change, and we should be encouraging people to see it as an opportunity to grow and adapt, not pander to them being scared of their own shadow and facilitate it. As a teacher I see parents all the time insisting that the rest of the world has to accommodate the whims of their child rather encouraging resilience and a growth mindset.

I would if someone said they where doing something and then changed it last minute. But in normal day to day life I avoid it altogether

Although what your doing with your teens is great and I agree with you, in my teens I could easily do these things no problem it's only as I got older and my mh deteriorated that I couldn't any more

But it's the fact you can't understand it. I spend a lot of time in hospital so I don't think twice at having an mri or going under general anesthetic or being admitted for a few weeks as these are things that happen fairly regularly so I'm use to it but I would absolutely understand other adults who this isn't the norm being nervous about these things

I love travelling alone and relish the freedom this brings me.
I think with the general heightened awareness of some peoples' anxiety/poor mental health we have swung too far away from encouraging resilience. This can be hard initially but I think is at least as important as sensitivity to things some people find challenging.
General observation.
On this specific issue, OP changed plans at the last minute and without consultation so I'd be pissed off with her but wouldn't buy new tickets.