to think solo train travel is not a big deal for most adults?

[traintaker]

My friend and I both attended a wedding that was some distance away in a location we haven’t been to before. Neither of us wanted to do a long drive so we booked train tickets. It was a five hour journey including two train changes. (We are both single, for context, hence planning this together).

We each booked our own tickets, but discussed which trains we’d get. The day before we went, I realised that I had some work that I needed to finish, so I text my friend saying that I would be catching a later train (I booked an anytime ticket) so I would see her at the hotel (we were travelling down the day before so no particular deadline).

She was really upset with me, because she didn’t want to do the journey alone. Not just because it wouldn’t be as much fun, but because she was scared to do it alone. She had bought tickets for a specific train so didn’t have the same flexibility as me, but nevertheless she actually bought new tickets, at great expense, so that she could travel with me at the new time, and now I feel awful and as though I was totally unreasonable for not checking with her first before changing my travel plans.

I have known this friend for 25 years and she has never said anything to me about being a nervous traveller, we have actually flown abroad together twice (as part of a bigger group) and have caught the train many times. She is not a particularly nervous person (or so I thought) and I am now questioning myself because the thought never even crossed my mind that going on a long train journey alone would be a big deal for an average adult with no disabilities or mental health problems. I am a very independent person by nature though, and I enjoy going to places by myself.

So this is just a reality check for me really. Was I unreasonable in assuming that she would be okay making this journey on her own?

I’ve done loads of solo train journeys over the years. Most have been fine, but I now avoid travelling in the evening after some bad experiences with men trying to talk to me, or being drunk and loud and making racist/sexist comments. It can be intimidating, especially on small trains where you can’t switch carriages so are stuck with these people (no inter connecting doors). Maybe she’s had similar experiences in the past.

She's being absolutely ridiculous. I love solo travel; not having to worry about how the other is feeling or force conversation - same as how I enjoy other activities by myself e.g dining out, going to the theatre, cinema etc. I may be a bit weird but always end up worrying about if others are OK so revel in being alone.

Same. I can't believe she forked out for new tickets.

Re: disabilities. I'm a wheelchair user and still go alone. It doesn't mean I can't, all I need is help on and off the train, and I book assistance for that.

I was gallivanting off to Scotland on my own at 14, including changes at Birmingham New Street and Glasgow Central (I was picked up at the destination but the journey itself was independant). What grown adult needs a hand hold when travelling by train? Spent my late 20s gallivanting around Europe by train, usually on my own.

This, would she not have gone to the wedding if you didn't go?

I don’t drive so I have to get public transport a lot. This means I travel on trains several times a week so I’m not nervous about it at all. However, I do remember being nervous about using trains when I first started travelling on my own at about 18. I didn’t really understand how the signs worked and how to find the right train. I also had (and still do) a really poor sense of direction and was scared that I would get on the wrong train and wouldn’t be able to find my way home. Like I said I’ve had a lot of practice travelling on trains and no longer feel this way now, but I can absolutely understand why someone who is not used to it might be nervous about it. My mum typically drives everywhere so rarely uses trains and I know she gets nervous about them. We’ve been on train journeys together that I know she wouldn’t have done without me because she doesn’t trust herself to end up in the right place. I don’t think it’s that unusual for an adult to be nervous about something if it’s something that they don’t usually do by themselves.

I'd have no problem travelling alone and do often, I enjoy it. But if I had planned to travel with a friend to a wedding, I'd be thinking we will have a great laugh and maybe a couple of drinks and make a day of it. I wouldn't have cancelled last minute like that. I would have offered to pay half the ticket if a friend had to cancel for me.

There has been a huge rise in sexual assaults on women travelling by train over the last few years.
I wouldn’t feel safe as a solo female passenger these days unfortunately.

I drove from Cincinnati to Toronto alone in the summer. It was 8-ish hours. It was no problem.

I've never taken a train before, though. I might be nervous about it, but I'd try it.

You’ve been thoughtless. Your thought process was “this wouldn’t bother me” and not thought “I’d better check if this bothers my friend”.

I love long train journeys on my own. The only time I get nervous is when I’m travelling across Europe and have to change and that’s just because missing a connection would be awkward.

She needs to grow up.

I have no difficulty travelling solo on a train but if l had made a plan with a friend to travel together l would be totally pissed off if she changed plans last minute unless it was an emergency. It totally changes the journey as what was to be a social occasion suddenly, with no thought, now becomes a functional journey just to get from A to B. I wouldn't have bought new tickets and l would have been fine on the journey but l would have remembered not to put myself out too much for you in the future. It was very thoughtless.

Yanbu. This is normal thing for adults to do.

Hmm, haven't voted cos I think it's a bit of both. I do think you're a touch UR to change plans on your friend without at least profusely apologizing, since you had arranged to travel together.

This. I wouldn’t have expected her to actually find it scary, but you were rude to change your plans without consulting your travelling companion.

Of course you’re not being unreasonable, she isn’t a child, I find it very funny people think you require her permission, do those same posters tell their bosses to grant additional leave because a friend demands it?

Some people just don’t do things like this very often and struggle with finding the right platform at unfamiliar stations and delays etc so find it stressful. I suppose if you drive everywhere normally, you’re not particularly well versed on public transport whereas if you commute into a city for work or similar you tend to use it more often. She was probably thinking you’d have a drink and a chat and enjoy the journey as part of the experience together and is now a bit disappointed.

I wouldn't be bothered about travelling alone however I would be annoyed if we had planned to go together and then you bailed. 5 hours is a long journey and your friend was probably looking forward to having come company. If if was you and I had no option I would have been extremely apologetic.

I think this thread reflects a pretty depressing trend of NT adults not being able to "adult". How do signs work? You read them or ask a member of station staff or check on the app you booked on. How do you find the platform, ditto. On this one example of public transport I think it's also a reflection now of how kids are chauffered everywhere. I teach secondary and lots of mine don't have a clue how to do it. I drive a lot and will drive in any city or for any distance, but I've deliberately used PT at times to show them how to do it. Outwith a disability or a diagnosis of an actual anxiety disorder I really think getting on a couple of trains or ringing a restaurant or dealing with a slightly complicated procedure should not send an average adult into a tailspin.

Some shitty replies.

YANBU to change your plans however it's totally understandable that she felt too anxious to make this new, long journey alone.

This is a common trait of autism for example which she could have but just not told you.

You know for next time.

Wow alot of mean comments from people projecting their own shit on here. Different strokes for different folks. Its not a big deal to you to travel on your own, but you are also not a mind reader either.

Buy her a box of chocoloates to say sorry for the inconvience and you will know to check next time.

Yanbu
Really odd she changed her ticket
Unless she has a disability of some type I'd find it really strange she needed someone to do the train journey with her so much that she was willing to pay a load more money

The OP has stated specifically that she's known her for 25 years and is NT. My kids are ND and I get the need to take it into account but not every thread has to be about that when the op has stated it's not a factor.

I agree about travelling alone.

However I don't think it was ok to change plans you made together at short notice and just spring the travelling alone on her.

Is it the train stations in evening or a dangerous route ?

My mind would immediately go to the person wanting to not be next to me for 5 hours but that’s my own issues. I’d feel a bit rejected and worried it was an excuse.

If it’s really about work, I don’t think it’s a big deal. I don’t think a 5 hour train trip is an issue.

I wondered if deep down she’s hurt and sees it as an excuse. I think she needs reassurance or for you to emphasise the work issue.

Do the people commenting on this thread realise how blessed they are to just be able to get on a do things like this like its no big deal. So next time you're questioning disabled people and disability benefits in people you believe are completely fine. Maybe stop and think about how different their lives really are.