to think solo train travel is not a big deal for most adults?

[traintaker]

My friend and I both attended a wedding that was some distance away in a location we haven’t been to before. Neither of us wanted to do a long drive so we booked train tickets. It was a five hour journey including two train changes. (We are both single, for context, hence planning this together).

We each booked our own tickets, but discussed which trains we’d get. The day before we went, I realised that I had some work that I needed to finish, so I text my friend saying that I would be catching a later train (I booked an anytime ticket) so I would see her at the hotel (we were travelling down the day before so no particular deadline).

She was really upset with me, because she didn’t want to do the journey alone. Not just because it wouldn’t be as much fun, but because she was scared to do it alone. She had bought tickets for a specific train so didn’t have the same flexibility as me, but nevertheless she actually bought new tickets, at great expense, so that she could travel with me at the new time, and now I feel awful and as though I was totally unreasonable for not checking with her first before changing my travel plans.

I have known this friend for 25 years and she has never said anything to me about being a nervous traveller, we have actually flown abroad together twice (as part of a bigger group) and have caught the train many times. She is not a particularly nervous person (or so I thought) and I am now questioning myself because the thought never even crossed my mind that going on a long train journey alone would be a big deal for an average adult with no disabilities or mental health problems. I am a very independent person by nature though, and I enjoy going to places by myself.

So this is just a reality check for me really. Was I unreasonable in assuming that she would be okay making this journey on her own?

Also given the OP realised this the day before, it doesn't sound like a last minute crisis, but more something that she could have finished off the day before by working late then instead or getting in early the following day.

As I said, it is the principle. She wouldn't do the work if she had a flight. But because it was a train, she thought it ok to shit on her friend.
It's the principle, not difficult to understand

I think what you did is really rude and I'd be annoyed if you had done this to me. But I do agree that an adult should be able to travel alone without drama on a train.

I don't think it's unreasonable to expect an adult to be comfortable travelling on a train alone.

But if I had arranged travel with a friend and they dropped out at the last minute I would be miffed. It can be nice to have company especially on a 5 hour journey with changes.

You clearly think your friend is a pathetic wet lettuce for wanting to keep plans the same. I wouldn't have changed tickets to travel with you in the circumstances because I would feel like I had misjudged how close we were seeing as you didn't care about our travel plans. You're putting a lot of emphasis on her fear of solo travel and completely missing how rejected and let down she probably feels.

@ClytemnestraWasMisunderstood

Yes but you balance the needs. Things can happen last minute : a system failing or colleague absence.

OP predicted she might need the flexibility so bought an anytime ticket.

I still wonder if she thought her friend had done the same…

To me the sudden : I’m scared of trains, now I need to buy another very expensive ticket is the more dubious behaviour.

This would be a total non event for me. I might be slightly disappointed but wouldn’t occur to me to annoyed with you.

you had to work! It’s not like you changed the time to go with someone else.

it’s quite an immature response from her I think

I'd quite happily tell my boss I had to leave because I had plans. I tell them that on an almost weekly basis. And they accept that because they actually want to employ a human not a robot.

If they have plans and I need to cover for them I would also do that.

If necessary I'd take my laptop and deal with it at some point later.

I'm not an employee who gives no shits, but I'd generally plan my week (leaving later on other days or similar) so I then was able to make my pre-arranged commitments.

This wasn't last minute. But the principle remains
And it wouldn't happen if a flight was involved

I have to travel on the train for long journeys all the time (for work/social) and I think compared to driving it is absolutely more peaceful!

And it’s definitely better on your own than with someone as you can read your book, only need to find one seat etc etc

Yeah I also really love train travel. But a lot of Mumsnet does view it as something you only do if you're on the poverty line and can't afford a car.

YABU - you bailed on your friend at the last minute because you didn’t think your shared plans were important.

Yes you were wrong. It was ok to think she’d be fine with travelling alone given you weren’t going to keep your shared plans, but still completely UR to not check in with her or at least during planning let her know you might change your plans.

I get why she’s miffed. It was expensive for her. And she’s discovered that you didn’t consider shared plans with her to be important, and stuck with you or finding someone to travel with her if she was uncomfortable travelling alone.

What’s more, I bet she will be wondering if she can trust you next time.

Should she be comfortable? - it’s sad that she’s not, as this clearly has implications for doing things. But that doesn’t excuse your behaviour.

I'm team wet blanket.
Unless there is something underlying going on with her (which you have indicated there isn't) then she was being pathetic and it's not your responsibility that she spent more money on another ticket. If she puts that on you then she is the one being entirely unreasonable. She is an adult. ADULT.

Although humanity is entirely about catering to the lowest common denomination thes days, rather than survival of the fittest, so the hand-wringing on this thread doesn't surprise me. Poor diddums didn't want to travel alone! Bless.

YANBU

the only slight part you were perhaps guilty of is knowingly getting an Anytime ticket and letting her get an Advanced. Presumably if you paid the extra you knew your plans may change before you bought it and that would be the time to give her the heads up.

I travel alone regularly. I'm not anxious, however if you say its a five hour journey with two changes I would much rather do this with someone else than on my own. One daft thing that is much easier having someone to travel with is simply going to the toilet on the train or at any point in the journey. On the train alone, you have to pack up your belongings or hope they won't get stolen while you're away, risk loosing your seat especially if it's a busy train. In the station alone, you have to try and squeeze into a stall with your suitcase instead of leaving it with your friend.

Plus its just more enjoyable to travel with someone than alone. I wouldn't have bought a new ticket had I got a booked train only, flexible are ridiculously expensive at times. On the other hand, I would have been committed to the train I planned for, or stated from the off i couldn't be sure what time train I could get.

exactly
i had a long journey with no tea/coffee because I was alone,
much easier to be with someone or at least stick to the original plans

I agree with the opinions you've summarised here. Unless there was a good reason and a sincere apology for messing me around I'd consider this flaky behaviour (although I do like traveling alone so I'd have consoled myself pretty quickly!) How annoyed is be would depend on the immediate context, whether this was a pattern and how close a friend you are.

HOWEVER what I really came to say is that it's really nice that you're taking on board other people's perspectives, not being defensive and just generally being really pleasant. You sound lovely. On that basis I'm sure your friend will forgive you!

Maybe it's worth addressing it with her head on and explaining that, you're sorry, you didn't consider that she might have been looking forward to the travel part as well as the event and that your change of plans there might affect her enjoyment or leave her feeling abandoned. You can tell her you've been thinking about it since from her perspective and feel really badly about the fact it had a bigger effect than you'd anticipated and you'll take it on board for next time. If I were your friend I'd really appreciate something like that (apology explaining where you were coming from but without making me feel silly about it) and that would be the end of it for me.

Good luck!

Why most people who have struggles/disabilities keep them hidden. Even from people closest to them. I claim pip due to the struggles I have but to many people who know me they would be shocked as from the outside it appears their is nothing wrong with me and it's only when issues arise that it becomes apparent

And it's because of people like you of why adults have to hide their disabilities from others.

Yabu! Been travelling up and down the country alone on trains and coaches since I was about 13. Struggle to understand why an adult would have an issue with it.

Can't even see why people are mad you changed plans tbh. Your both going to a wedding and thought you could travel together. You're now needing to go later. The journey wasn't the main plan for the 2 of you, you just happened to be going the same way for the wedding. I would have changed plans same as you.

This thread is getting daft. Of course you weren't unreasonable as you needed to get work done so changed which train you were getting. And you did let her know beforehand despite what a previous poster said. The issue was she had bought tickets for specific trains and not flexible ones and that is really on her. She decided to buy more at her own expense which is also on her. Why should it occur to anyone that a grown adult can't get a train by themself? Ignore the MN crowd out to decide that anyone posting AIBU must be!

I love travelling alone ~ just reading your post made me feel claustrophobic and put upon!

This is on her, she's being incredibly presumptious.

Of course it's fine if she's scared of travelling alone.

However, she has to take responsibility for that, explain her needs, and ASK you if you're happy to limit your own flexibility and commit to a specific train in order to be her emotional support person. Or, she has to buy a fully flexible ticket, so she can adapt to stay with whoever she's making her invisible demands of.

Then she has to respect your answer (eg. no, I may have other things I need to work around) and find another way to support herself while getting from A to B.

Instead she feels entitled to expect all that from you, without any communication or respect from her; just a coercive wee tantrum when she doesn't get her way. I bet she never thanks the people she's relied on without them knowing.

I'd be keeping very clear boundaries with this person in future. Starting with an apology from her for her appalling behaviour.

You can't understand why people changing plans last minute would bother others. Can you honestly not open your mind even slightly to understand why this would be a problem to others.

I think you have been a little unreasonable. You said yourself you were planning to travel together as you’re both single. Then at the last minute you’ve ditched her to get a later train, and rather than discussing rescheduled plans you’ve gone ahead and made your own.

It’s not your fault she didn’t book an anytime ticket, however the fact you did kinda suggests you knew you might need to change your plans last minute. Which has probably compounded her annoyance because she too could’ve booked an anytime if she knew this was a possibility. You obviously positioned your plans as finalised.

I imagine the train journey alone was less appealing than driving alone, but the train together seemed like fun hence it was chosen. I think scared to get the train alone is a bit dramatic but I can quite easily see why your friend is annoyed. I wouldn’t be paying for her new ticket, but I would be reflecting on how you can communicate better with your friend. And probably get the first round of drinks or something.