to think solo train travel is not a big deal for most adults?

[traintaker]

My friend and I both attended a wedding that was some distance away in a location we haven’t been to before. Neither of us wanted to do a long drive so we booked train tickets. It was a five hour journey including two train changes. (We are both single, for context, hence planning this together).

We each booked our own tickets, but discussed which trains we’d get. The day before we went, I realised that I had some work that I needed to finish, so I text my friend saying that I would be catching a later train (I booked an anytime ticket) so I would see her at the hotel (we were travelling down the day before so no particular deadline).

She was really upset with me, because she didn’t want to do the journey alone. Not just because it wouldn’t be as much fun, but because she was scared to do it alone. She had bought tickets for a specific train so didn’t have the same flexibility as me, but nevertheless she actually bought new tickets, at great expense, so that she could travel with me at the new time, and now I feel awful and as though I was totally unreasonable for not checking with her first before changing my travel plans.

I have known this friend for 25 years and she has never said anything to me about being a nervous traveller, we have actually flown abroad together twice (as part of a bigger group) and have caught the train many times. She is not a particularly nervous person (or so I thought) and I am now questioning myself because the thought never even crossed my mind that going on a long train journey alone would be a big deal for an average adult with no disabilities or mental health problems. I am a very independent person by nature though, and I enjoy going to places by myself.

So this is just a reality check for me really. Was I unreasonable in assuming that she would be okay making this journey on her own?

I didn’t know I’d need to work late until the day before, I just like to get flexible tickets… for the flexibility I guess! Trains can be unpredictable. And yes I just assumed she wouldn’t mind me meeting her later on. I wouldn’t have minded personally if the roles were reversed. I might have been a bit disappointed to miss out on her company but not to the point of getting angry or it affecting our friendship. I would have just looked forward to meeting her at the hotel.

This. She sounds a bit odd.

That sounds like an exciting life; I envy you!

I find long train journeys really stressful for some reason. In part I think it’s because I’ve done very few of them but I’ve always felt like a right tit getting anxious about them. I just find the whole thing stressful, it starts with not wanting to miss it as you are on the fast one, then waiting for the platform number to be announced and then of course it’s announced 1min before boarding and you are at the wrong end. Then you have to make sure you don’t sit in the half of the train that is splitting off to go somewhere else, then it’s pot luck if you have someone in your seat. Once I’m on, it’s fine although I get a bit stressed I will fall asleep and end up somewhere else.

Some people have anxiety some don't I think as you planned to travel together you are unreasonable

Oh! From the title I thought you meant Trans-Siberian at the very least. How can anyone be so wibbly?

Don't know about 'most people' but I think it's fairly normal to be fine with a solo train journey. Your friend has chosen to buy a new ticket though, and that's up to her - not something to feel bad about. Having said that I'd be disappointed that I was no longer doing the 5 hour journey with my friend.

I don’t think you were unreasonable for thinking she’d be ok with the journey, but she isn’t unreasonable either for being annoyed.
A Lot depends on where the wedding was too. You said you haven’t been to the area before. How did you get to the hotel from the train station? Would she be able to meet other people while waiting for you to arrive, or would she have been on her own? I think it’s normal to not want to be somewhere new by themselves if they had expected company.

Completely agree with this. It was a really shitty thing to do, making arrangements and then changing them last minute. Especially with no discussion beforehand. You know that already though dont you. I don't buy the faux surprise that your friend is upset at all.

I think your friend is a bit pathetic to be honest. An adult woman afraid of a train journey? Unless she's had some traumatic experience on a train in the past she needs to become a bit more self reliant and adventurous.

Given the state of UK trains at the moment, I get anxious travelling. You never know if you are going to get stranded somewhere, there are frequent cancellations and often problems on the line. I’ve had some tricky journeys over the past few years and it is nicer if there are two of you to share the decision making or if you get stuck somewhere.

for me using trains the scary thing is falling asleep and waking up after my destination and its oh pickles

That’s because you’re single and used it it so water off a ducks back. People in relationships who don’t do things alone can find they are out of their comfort zone

I've never been on a train alone in my life. I'd be blindsided if someone did this to me. I have a fear of trains but I can cope when with another person and that's when it's a last resort. Maybe she feels the same way?

Are you like that with all your friends? I’d say the majority of people have things they dislike/ fear whether that’s spiders, mice, speaking in public, talking on the phone, travelling alone. Heights etc. surely a friend just understands and helps out rather than stands in judgement?

I think she’s right to be a bit put out as you planned it together but to carry on with the grudge is pathetic.

You had a firm plan & changed it with little notice. How much later did you arrive at the hotel than the original time?

Does she use trains a lot? I never used to use them, and when I suddenly needed to use them for working at other offices across the country I realised I actually didn’t even know how it all worked and was anxious about doing it alone.

I’m fine with it now of course, but it’s boring as hell so I would prefer to travel with someone.

I travel on trains a lot but i’d be disappointed because I would have been looking forward to sharing the journey with a friend. A lot of adults do worry about travelling alone. I will fly alone too and meet friends at the destination if we don’t live locally. People who find solo travel easy forget some really struggle with it. It’s much more fun to share the journey and catch up with a friend, but I wouldn’t have bought new expensive tickets. She is wrong to be annoyed with you still, given it was her choice to purchase new tickers.

do you think friends would know that though? I wouldn't imagine any adult hadn't been on a train alone unless there were other factors involved.

@traintaker i dont think you could have anticipated either her feelings or having to work last minute. I understand why you'd see it as just the journey. I dislike flakey people but this doesn't seem flaky behaviour if work caught you out and you didn't miss anything of the event

in terms of her fears, how would she have managed if you'd been ill and couldn't go?

I would have seen it exactly as you did and wouldn’t have given it a second thought if your plan changed. Especially not if it was about work! It honestly wouldn’t occur to me that any adult woman I know would have an issue with this. And I am definitely not in some kind of privilege bubble where everyone constantly travels.

Some of the replies strike me as bizarre. Especially the idea of the train journey itself — separate from the actual wedding and so on — as some kind of social commitment

No, YANBU at all. I say this as a woman in my late 40s and still public transport all over the place by myself /restaurants/explore cities by myself.
Some people usually women that I know can be strange about going anywhere by themselves.
So doesn't surprise me.

It can be easier with two to grab a seat while putting away luggage. Make sure you understand announcements. Make sure both off the train. Don't get a weirdo sitting next to you. Especially helpful if changes

There’s a real thing called ‘social anxiety’ that exists. For many people.

My friends and I wouldn't give this a second thought. My response would just have been to wish you good luck getting your work done.

I've travelled in various different places around the world with a variety of friends and even on the other side of the world we've flexibility gone our own ways at different times to allow us each to spend more or less time doing particular things which interest us. So no I don't think you're being unreasonable to not think it a big deal for someone to make a train journey by themselves.

That said I do think when you were discussing train times etc you should have said you were getting a flexible ticket so you could get a different train if necessary so she could do the same thing. The fact is, you've gone to all the effort of discussing train times so she thinks you're planning to travel together then effectively not committed to those plans at all - it's different to something cropping up and you having to change your plans unexpectedly.