to think solo train travel is not a big deal for most adults?

[traintaker]

My friend and I both attended a wedding that was some distance away in a location we haven’t been to before. Neither of us wanted to do a long drive so we booked train tickets. It was a five hour journey including two train changes. (We are both single, for context, hence planning this together).

We each booked our own tickets, but discussed which trains we’d get. The day before we went, I realised that I had some work that I needed to finish, so I text my friend saying that I would be catching a later train (I booked an anytime ticket) so I would see her at the hotel (we were travelling down the day before so no particular deadline).

She was really upset with me, because she didn’t want to do the journey alone. Not just because it wouldn’t be as much fun, but because she was scared to do it alone. She had bought tickets for a specific train so didn’t have the same flexibility as me, but nevertheless she actually bought new tickets, at great expense, so that she could travel with me at the new time, and now I feel awful and as though I was totally unreasonable for not checking with her first before changing my travel plans.

I have known this friend for 25 years and she has never said anything to me about being a nervous traveller, we have actually flown abroad together twice (as part of a bigger group) and have caught the train many times. She is not a particularly nervous person (or so I thought) and I am now questioning myself because the thought never even crossed my mind that going on a long train journey alone would be a big deal for an average adult with no disabilities or mental health problems. I am a very independent person by nature though, and I enjoy going to places by myself.

So this is just a reality check for me really. Was I unreasonable in assuming that she would be okay making this journey on her own?

@GoldenPheasant

The problems you have suffered would be entirely avoidable just by being alert to your surroundings. There would have been various announcements about which part of the split train you should go into to ensure you get to the right destination; had you heard those the first time you wouldn't have been worrying the second time, because the lack of announcements would have told you that train wasn't going to split. The button for opening the train door would have been lit up, and anyway when the doors didn't open immediately you must have realised you had to open one yourself?

Im very alert to my surroundings thanks. I just didn't hear any announcement and as I was only going about 4 stops and never get the train I didn't realise that's how it happens.

Again I'd only got the train once before and I thought the doors always opened automatically at every stop, I was waiting for the doors to open and 2 people were standing at the doors looking out so I assumed they were waiting for the doors too. Then I saw the button at the last minute pressed it and the doors opened and they moved out the way and let me on - the train was pretty much empty so no idea why they were stood there.

The point is if someone never or rarely uses the train it's not a relaxing nice journey - it's stressful - I'd rather drive 5 hours to get somewhere and wouldn't find it stressful at all.

This. Why would one adult need to babysit another adult?

If you’re of a nervous and anxious disposition and can’t travel alone, something which millions of people do every single day, then that’s for you to work on, or make alternate plans, not for adults to have to make sure no plans are changed so you don’t have to face your fear. What an embarrassment.

And how on earth can a grown adult find a train journey ‘bewildering?’

Well multiple people on this thread have explained exactly why.

Do you always assume the way you feel / react to things is the only possible way anyone could feel? Doesn’t that make dealing with other people difficult?

I travel by train to new locations and get myself to strange hotels regularly. It doesn’t mean I can’t understand that other people don”t find it as easy as I do.

Solo train journeys are lovely, but i can see she may feel miffed

Why did you quote the whole of the OP? f there is one post we have ALL read, it is this one

I have a friend who panics about train travel. Will the train be delayed/cancelled - what would she do? What if she can't get her suitcase into the rack? What if her seat is unavailable? What if she gets on the wrong train or can't hear the platform announcements?

It drives me crackers because I have WEEKS of this before she goes anywhere. She also won't drive anywhere unfamiliar, so there's quite a bit of it. I've tried role-playing with her what she'd do if anything went wrong and told her that the railways won't dump her on an unfamiliar platform and if trains are cancelled then she gets the next one. But it is quite wearing to listen to. I know it's all anxiety based and I do try to be sympathetic but you can only listen to 'what if my suitcase won't fit in the rack and the train moves off while I'm trying to get off?' before you just snap 'don't take such a big suitcase and sit by the door then!'

It may not be this, but I'm a fully functioning adult with a responsible job and only as much neurosis as the next person, but I have zero sense of direction and so I do get anxious travelling to places I don't know as having to find my way around is stressful.

I agree YANBU to assume that most people wouldn't find catching a train to be particularly intimidating BUT I voted YABU because it is unreasonable to change plans last minute for something that wasn't an emergency, and sounds like you just being a bit disorganised.

I'm fine travelling alone but I would be annoyed at you for doing this, not because I'd be scared but because it is more fun, and safer with someone. Even if it's just a missed connection or cancelled train, sitting round on your own for two hours in a strange place is different than sitting with a mate you can chat with. Carrying all your stuff to the loo every time is more of a faff than leaving it with your mate. Catching up with a friend can be more fun than spending 5 hours reading or watching tv. Sitting next to a friend is more comfortable than a random smelly/drunk stranger. Having someone with you if a strange guy starts staring or trying to chat you up is better than trying to ignore him if you're alone.

If you'd said upfront you wouldn't be getting the train, she might have chosen a different travel option. She might come across as someone who isn't nervous but perhaps she's had a bad experience on trains before that she didn't tell you about.

As it was she chose something on the basis that you'd both agreed to, and then you change plans last minute, so yes I'd be annoyed too, same as if you changed the hotel you were staying at or place you were meeting for food, or said you were going to the cinema and then cancelled. I wouldn't be scared of doing those things alone but I would be pissed off - basically just be thinking 'why did we bother spending all that time choosing times that worked for us if you were just going to twat around and change your mind last minute!'

because I can

OP doesn't say she has a senior role at all though. She doesn't even say that something urgent/unexpected came up. She only said "The day before we went, I realised that I had some work that I needed to finish," which tbh just sounds like poor planning/organisation on her behalf, and as if she could have just stayed late that day if she really wanted to.

Surely most people, particularly in vaguely senior roles, plan their workload so they aren't suddenly surprised they're lagging behind a few hours before something is due? Perhaps the friend would have reacted differently if OP said "Argh I'm so sorry last minute emergency in work," not "I should have got my arse in gear earlier in the week given I knew I'd be off on the weekend."

YABU. I actually love solo train travel but I'd have been looking forward to doing the journey together. You shouldn't have reneged on your plans.

I think you were a bit thoughtless and offhand to change the plans at the last minute. Anxious or not, you were happy to let your friend sit alone on a train for 5 hours and arrive at a hotel alone, when you had planned to travel together. I think that is a bit lacking in empathy and even a non-travel-anxious person would have been a bit pissed off. As it is, your poor friend is now financially depleted too.

You probably haven't noticed her travel anxiety before because it's never become apparent until now. (previous group trips have been fine because she's been travelling with someone the whole time, you see?). My mother is the same - goes to great lengths to hide it, lies even, but the crux of it is, she won't drive anywhere she doesn't know.

But the OP presents no evidence that the friend has mental health issues, hidden disabilities, a phobia about trains, or that she's had a bad experience in the past. And without these issues, it seems odd that a normal adult in 2024 would be frightened of a train journey.

I hate travelling alone esp on public transport. I get her completely. But unless you talked about this because it came up somehow before the event, you were not to know, you are not a mind reader. I would feel bad too, just because of my feeling toward a friend after 25 yrs but it seems it was one of those "series of unfortunate events"-thing that happens without either of you realising. You could talk it out and just check with her how she feels about it not to leave a bad taste in her mouth and resentment between you. I personally would offer to pay the difference or at least half of it, or say I make it up to her in some other way, but that's just me being stupid in that way. Good luck.

But her reaction and the fact she paid to change her ticket it's quite obvious that she does have mental health issues, hidden disabilities, a phobia about trains, or that she's had a bad experience in the past. Not everyone can just do things and not everyone tells the world why. I wouldn't be able to do a journey by myself to a unknown location but the majority of people in my life are unaware of this. Just like op wouldn't of been aware if she didn't suddenly change plans last minute

@Differentstarts changing plans last minute for a work situation which none of us know the details of, despite lengthy and quite bizarre discussion on here about what it could possibly have been, is a perfectly reasonable, albeit irritating thing to do. The OP and your friends and family are not mind readers. If you and her friend have a need to travel in company then that is your issue to deal with and if that means telling people, well then you have to. You cannot expect people to take it into consideration if they don't know.

But many of us don’t think it’s totally reasonable to pull out of a paid commitment the day before for less than an urgent reason. To me it’s no different to prepaying for a meal, pulling out and telling your friend what’s the problem they can go on their own as the food is still available.

Op was told the day before so wasnt an emergency, she had bought a flexi ticket knowing this was a possibility so why didn't she tell her friend so her friend could of done the same. Op should of told work sorry I have plans so can't stay late. After reading this thread can you not see why people don't like sharing this stuff. Pathetic, wet lettuce and the million other things people on this thread have called people who hidden disabilities. It also shouldn't have needed to be said as friends shouldn't flake on people unless it's an emergency, which it isn't.

It wasn't even that she was told the day before that she had more work to do - she "realised" she had more work to do, which implies to me that she knew beforehand how much work she had to do, she just hadn't planned her time in order to leave on time.

It sounds like she booked the anytime ticket in order not to have to plan her work to leave at a specific time. Which is fine but then don't set and agree a time with someone else - tell them that you can't commit to a specific time but will try and join them if possible

I would have no issue with the solo travel from an anxiety perspective.

However, I’d have been annoyed in your friend’s shoes if I could have travelled with other guests but didn’t because of going with you… only for you to change plans. A 5 hour journey is a lot more fun with a friend than solo. Could that have been part of the reason?

Also, whilst train travel doesn’t make me anxious, long drives do, and I notice that neither of you wanted to drive. So I think you have to accept that different people find different things scary.

Normal to buy an anytime ticket -ridiculously rigid to buy a specific train unless you are prepared to buy another if plans change.

I don’t think you’re unreasonable to have changed your plans or not to have it occurred to you that she might struggle. She hasn’t told you she struggles; how were you supposed to know? But now you do know, so you can make the decision whether to accommodate her or avoid travelling with her again.

Lots of people are perfectly happy and confident travelling with someone else they perceive as knowing what they’re doing. Even if they aren’t relying on that person at all, just having a second person to make sure you don’t end up in Cornwall when you’re trying to get to Scotland is reassuring. The same journey by themselves would terrify them. I think it’s quite common.

Maybe the friend doesn't use trains so didn't know this. So it would of been nice for op to explain that's what she's doing and the friend would of likely done the same

With the ridiculously differing prices it's more normal to buy specific tickets.

Recent trip to London was £70 specific, or between £120-200 flexible.