to think solo train travel is not a big deal for most adults?

[traintaker]

My friend and I both attended a wedding that was some distance away in a location we haven’t been to before. Neither of us wanted to do a long drive so we booked train tickets. It was a five hour journey including two train changes. (We are both single, for context, hence planning this together).

We each booked our own tickets, but discussed which trains we’d get. The day before we went, I realised that I had some work that I needed to finish, so I text my friend saying that I would be catching a later train (I booked an anytime ticket) so I would see her at the hotel (we were travelling down the day before so no particular deadline).

She was really upset with me, because she didn’t want to do the journey alone. Not just because it wouldn’t be as much fun, but because she was scared to do it alone. She had bought tickets for a specific train so didn’t have the same flexibility as me, but nevertheless she actually bought new tickets, at great expense, so that she could travel with me at the new time, and now I feel awful and as though I was totally unreasonable for not checking with her first before changing my travel plans.

I have known this friend for 25 years and she has never said anything to me about being a nervous traveller, we have actually flown abroad together twice (as part of a bigger group) and have caught the train many times. She is not a particularly nervous person (or so I thought) and I am now questioning myself because the thought never even crossed my mind that going on a long train journey alone would be a big deal for an average adult with no disabilities or mental health problems. I am a very independent person by nature though, and I enjoy going to places by myself.

So this is just a reality check for me really. Was I unreasonable in assuming that she would be okay making this journey on her own?

why?

Someone who drives far distances for work might think a 5 hour drive is absolutely nothing and anyone who needs to split it is ridiculous - just like OP thinks travelling alone by train is not a big deal but her friend disagrees.

agreeing to split the petrol and going back on it would cost OP more
but agreeing to take the train at a certain time and then changing that time has cost the friend more.

Same thing.

no, you think sitting on a train is simple by comparison
Other people (including people on this thread) have said they find driving easy and public transport much harder/stressful etc.
People are different, and find different things hard/easy.

I'm a confident person, i dont have any mental health issues, but i absolutely would not do a train journey alone! i can only just bare it with a friend. The thought of doing it alone makes me feel physically sick, i would also have bought new tickets.

But i'll drive any car, van or lorry anywhere in the country or abroad, alone. Trains though? Nope.

No, it hasn’t cost the friend more. The friend had a perfectly valid ticket to travel by herself. What has cost her more is her decision to buy a new ticket so she could have company.

What people with anxiety

It doesn’t matter how different people are- staying alert enough to drive for 5 hours, and performing all the physical movements and mental judgments that involves, is more tiring than sitting in a train seat. To suggest anything different is absolute nonsense.

All the people who think the friend is a wet wipe and pathetic for not wanting to travel 5 hrs on a train by herself and cant understand why others wouldn't. I hope you all feel the same about going on a plane by yourself. Going out to a restaurant by yourself. Going on holiday by yourself. Going to the cinema/ concert/ festival by yourself.

Not if sitting in that train seat makes you anxious and puts you in high alert that's exhausting

What's nerve-racking about a train? I think driving is far more stressful!

But anyway, even if the friend is a bit wet, the OP is unfair for changing her plans at the last minute. I am not anxious about trains but I would prefer to do a 5 hour journey with a friend as it would be more interesting.

An adult should be able to take a train. However, if she thought you were going together, it's a bit unfair to change those plans without telling her.
I remember asking who wanted to meet up for a drink before a party, with the aim of not having to arrive alone at the party, only to have the friend who agreed to a pre-drink turn up on her bike meaning I had to take the tram on my own and arrive alone anyway. I was not happy.

Just say you don't understand anxiety and you don't like people with it instead of calling them names

No, it's not just about being nervous. A five hour journey is boring and your friend thought she would have some company until you unilaterally changed the arrangements.

I hope you all feel the same about going on a plane by yourself. Going out to a restaurant by yourself. Going on holiday by yourself. Going to the cinema/ concert/ festival by yourself

Honestly - yes. Doing any and all of these things by myself is completely normal and doesn't faze me at all.
Barring any additional needs, I would find it very weird for a grown adult to find doing these things on their own challenging.

I find that really interesting I wouldn't be able to do any of these things due to mental illness. But I'm surprised others without additional needs would happily go on holiday or a festival by themselves. I didn't realise the gap was so big on how much harder life is with additional needs

And only an infinitesimally tiny (therefore statistically irrelevant) percentage of the population would have such a reaction.

Agreed. I have done all of these things without a second thought. Needs must when single in your thirties. Even now old habits die hard and I prefer doing things like cinema and concerts alone, can’t be bothered with making small talk in the interval. And I am a sociable person!

@FeelinTwentySixPointTwo yep me too..I could happily do all those things and have done. I love a long solo journey. It's not boring, it's comparative peace. The OP ultimately asked is most adults could do a solo journey a d I think the answer is yes. Not all, but most. As I said way upthread, it's a basic every day things, so if it DOES induce huge anxiety or is not even an option I would say there is something badly wrong and would want to address it if possible.

Can I ask why? If you are a confident person, what is it that you find so difficult?

Yes, but she bought the first ticket having agreed with OP that they'd go together. Really unfair of OP to change afterwards.

No she bought the first ticket because she had an event to go to. How could OP have possibly known that her changing trains would result in the friend buying a new ticket? It is completely unpredictable behaviour.

Yes, there was a programme on the BBC a while ago about people with crippling anxiety. One of the people on it was Nadiya Hussein, who revealed that she was too anxious to travel alone by train. They spent a lot of time explaining how someone could be treated so that this anxiety did not restrict their ability to function, and filmed her being coached through a train journey.

any actual stats for this other than 'my unevidenced opinion?'

There are a number of people ON THIS THREAD ALONE who have said it would make them very anxious which suggests it's hardly 'infinitesimally tiny'. I know quite a few people who wouldn't be happy doing such a journey.

There are absolutely loads of threads on here where people literally won't go to the shops, cinema, or for food in their own local area on their own, or drive in their own area in the dark, or anywhere they don't know even if 30 minutes away...

more people are anxious than you know, you're being very dismissive to assume just because you don't find something scary nobody does

if you don't believe me the 'suggested threads' option that comes up underneath the last post gives examples of several such threads!

Many people never use public transport, indeed some never even walk more than a few yards and travel everywhere by car.

So whilst the OP may have been surprised at her friend, I would not be surprised in general at someone not being comfortable travelling alone on a train (or indeed a plane, bus or coach). There also seems to be something about using public transport that causes people to have specific brain freezes they do not have in other situations. Fear of being on the wrong train (or bus), of missing your stop (on a bus the bell being rung quicker than a starting pistol after it moves from the previous one), and an inability to understand a timetable.

Legacy of Dr Beeching and Ernest Marples in particular.

@another1bitestheduck and don't you think there's something massively concerning about that? What the hell is going on that NT adults can't go to the shops or cinema or drive in large numbers? I am actively trying to expand my teen kids' horizons so they have to things that are a bit nervy at first but are not in themselves inherently dangerous or difficult things. I do appreciate the anxiety is a diagnosed condition but I do wish there was a bit more willingness to address it and not just assume that other people will have to accommodate it. It's not "normal" to be unable to go to the shops and I would be actively pursuing treatment if I was in that position.

Yes to all of those.