to think solo train travel is not a big deal for most adults?

[traintaker]

My friend and I both attended a wedding that was some distance away in a location we haven’t been to before. Neither of us wanted to do a long drive so we booked train tickets. It was a five hour journey including two train changes. (We are both single, for context, hence planning this together).

We each booked our own tickets, but discussed which trains we’d get. The day before we went, I realised that I had some work that I needed to finish, so I text my friend saying that I would be catching a later train (I booked an anytime ticket) so I would see her at the hotel (we were travelling down the day before so no particular deadline).

She was really upset with me, because she didn’t want to do the journey alone. Not just because it wouldn’t be as much fun, but because she was scared to do it alone. She had bought tickets for a specific train so didn’t have the same flexibility as me, but nevertheless she actually bought new tickets, at great expense, so that she could travel with me at the new time, and now I feel awful and as though I was totally unreasonable for not checking with her first before changing my travel plans.

I have known this friend for 25 years and she has never said anything to me about being a nervous traveller, we have actually flown abroad together twice (as part of a bigger group) and have caught the train many times. She is not a particularly nervous person (or so I thought) and I am now questioning myself because the thought never even crossed my mind that going on a long train journey alone would be a big deal for an average adult with no disabilities or mental health problems. I am a very independent person by nature though, and I enjoy going to places by myself.

So this is just a reality check for me really. Was I unreasonable in assuming that she would be okay making this journey on her own?

I think that you and others here are making a lot of assumptions - she may have a very good reason for being scared to travel alone. Some years ago - and quite a few years after we became friends - my best friend and I went on holiday together. It was touring and one of the hotels we stayed at had a lot of room renovation going on so the group was dispersed into different parts of the hotel. She went into a complete meltdown. I couldn't figure out what was the problem. It was then that she told me she had been raped at the age of 16, and decades later she had literally never told anyone but still had enormous fear about it. To all intents and purpose she was and is a strong person with lots of confidence - but that isn't her inside.

I think that if you made an agreement to travel then you were somewhat unreasonable to change your mind so late in the day. It might have been fairer to at least check if she was ok about the change before you did it.

Bloody hell, can’t believe people are still banging in about whether or not the friend was unreasonable to have some sort of anxiety about travelling!

OP did not suggest that her friend was unreasonable.

She asked if it was reasonable for her to have assumed that most people don’t have an issue with travelling alone.

(In the friend’s shoes I’d have been delighted to find out I was travelling alone, can’t think of anything worse than having to make conversation with someone else in an enclosed space for 5 hours, no matter how much I liked them. Only people I am happy to travel with are husband and son. Doesn’t make either of us wrong, I imagine that most people are somewhere in the middle).

This. When I travel for work and my finishing time can vary between 3 pm and 7 pm, I always buy a flexi ticket.

Last time I went on a city break, the cost of a flexi ticket was literally 3 times that of a fixed time ticket. I bought the fixed ticket and saved over £100. I would say it’s unusual to buy a flexi ticket when you know timings - it’s just throwing money away.

The fact the OP did buy a flexi ticket in my view means she knew from the start she might not be travelling on a particular train despite arranging with her friend to do so. There is nothing wrong with being flexible if that’s what you (general you, not a particular poster) want but you need to tell your travelling companions. Otherwise, they will assume they can believe you when you agree to arrangements which results in situations like this.

Once again, it's not about the train journey, is it? It doesn't matter if the friend is a nervous little mouse who's scared of the Choo Choo or the man in seat 61 himself.

It's about making a plan and cancelling it, which is a shitty thing to do to a friend.

That’s literally the point of the enquiry.

For many people changing a plan to sit with someone on a train is not a big deal and therefore not shitty.

I think that's right. If this were a plan to, say, meet up for a meal or a concert or something, changing the plan would be off because you'd have to cancel and rearrange which causes much more faff. This is just a plan to travel at the same time to a destination where those concerned will meet up anyway. On a five hour journey, surely the whole thing is pretty casual and the expectation is that both parties will be whiling away at least some of the time sleeping/reading/ working - i.e. not devoting all their attention to the other person's company. I suspect it was just a loose plan, along the lines of "We're both travelling by train, I guess it might be good to aim for the same one?" rather than "What a wonderful opportunity for us to meet, that makes all the difference to the journey."

I am happy to get a train myself but if you have arranged to travel with someone its a bit rude to change unless its a real emergency. I would be pissed off too.

Maybe she’s been traumatised by watching ‘The 4.50 from Paddington’ (Agatha Christie) where two trains pass in the night, and a woman in one train sees a woman being strangled in the other as it passes….😱
(😂)

what an arrogant and privileged attitude
trains in this country are extortionately priced compared to most of the world
The cost of 2 advance singles to London from my nearest station is £52. The cost of an open return is £281. That's a 1.45 journey with no changes, the difference between OP's 5 hour, several change journey could be way more, and OP does specify that the change was at 'great expense' to her friend.

If someone has specifically agreed they are able and willing to catch a train at a specific time it is completely normal and financially prudent to then buy a ticket for that specific time, not 'ridiculously rigid.'

If OP had had the decency to say 'I can aim for this time but things can change last minute with my work so I might have to go for a different one,' then the friend might also have bought an open return, or decided to go for a different method of transport if she knew there was the possibility she'd be travelling alone. OP didn't suggest that was an option, sounds like she just said said '8:30 is fine for me, let's book that' so it's completely understandable that the friend took her at her word and booked a ticket for 8:30!

(or whenever)

OMG I'd be delighted!! I can't imagine the horror of being trapped on a train with a firend for 5 hours... All that talking!!!!!!

I have spent the last forty five years occasionally travelling by trains. Short, long and overnight journeys, sleepers from London. Never bothered me one little bit, in fact it’s an adventure I love.

If your friend has issues around being alone, then perhaps she should have mentioned it, likewise, any chance either of you might have to change your plans perhaps should have been mentioned. But I would say your friend has confidence issues if she has re bought tickets. That’s not really your fault. I hope you can still enjoy your time together.

But presumably you would have shared that at planning time, rather than agreeing which train to catch with your friend?

So you made plans with her, backed out, changed your plans to suit yourself and then shes the bad guy>

Typical MN victim mentality

This friend clearly has anxiety. I find this thread in very poor taste that a friend of 25 years would set up this thread

You are not a friend

Obviously there will always be some people who find things like solo train travel difficult, but it's certainly not a big deal for most adults and I think it's pretty reasonable to assume that being capable of catching a train alone is the default setting for the average adult.

I think this is a very good point. If you'd agreed to share the driving together, and she had then changed her mind and said 'I'll just meet you there?' would you have been annoyed? Then if she had jumped on MN to say 'No idea why OP is so annoyed after all it's still the same journey?' would you have pointed out 'No, it's actually much less stressful and tiring if you've got someone else to check the directions/talk to/do half the driving, I wish you'd told me this in advance and I would have been able to book a cheap train ticket.'

Everyone finds different things nerve wracking, OP's 'train journeys are nothing to be scared of,' could be the friend's 'why are you so pathetic to be afraid of spiders?'

I would be miffed with this too, but I wouldn’t have shown it, purely as I don’t like confrontation. I will drive anywhere, through the busiest cities I’ve never been to, talk in front of a crowd of hundreds, get planes by myself etc but I never use public transport and if I had to make a long train journey with changes, I would panic, feel V anxious and prefer to do this with someone else.

Whereas friends who always catch trains or the tube here there and everywhere would panic at the thought of having to drive places they’re not familiar with.

If you were someone hated public speaking and were meant to give a presentation with a colleague to bounce off and stand by your side, and they suddenly pulled out, of course you would feel even more anxious.

I get that train travel isn’t something I should be scared of, but I’m not familiar with it and it’s unreasonable to assume everyone is. However I would have made it V clear with you at the start that I wanted us to travel together as I didn’t feel comfortable travelling on my own.

I think she just wanted to hang out with you because 5 hours is a long journey

Don’t be ridiculous, agreeing to sit next to someone on a train is totally different to agreeing to do half the driving.

I travel by train a lot I am very confident with it. Others are not so I would have checked with the person. But I do loads of stuff alone other people think is weird - go to the cinema , see plays, eat in restaurants walk around unfamiliar cities, go shopping. Some people really aren't confident without other people - I've learnt and always check .

She didn’t change them at the last minute to avoid travelling with her friend, she changed them because she had work to do.

Why? Serious question because I wouldn’t see it as different at all.

Total wet wipe. People like her drive me insane.

Well, driving for 2.5 hours is tiring. Driving for 5 hours is twice as tiring.

Driving alone costs twice as much as splitting petrol with a friend.

Sitting on a train for 5 hours is no more tiring that sitting with a friend. Arguably it’s more relaxing as you can sleep more and don’t get tired out by chatting. The ticket cost does not change.

Because some people find driving tiring / boring / hard to follow a satnav etc whereas sitting on a train is simple by comparison. Personally I find both completely fine and enjoyable but I do think driving generally is less so just because I can't dick about on MN or read.

Sharing driving requires 2 people to be in one place at the same time. Travelling to a station by train does not.