Grandparents treating dc and step dc differently

[Gottoshare]

And my ‘rebalancing’ of things has been discovered 😬

We have 2 dc and dh has 2 dc from a previous relationship. Everyone gets on well, I adore his dc they are lovely kids.

Every Christmas my parents give money for my 2 dc, bags of sweets and chocolate selection boxes and a big Christmas Eve box. 2 of everything- plus big bags of sweets . There have been a few heated conversations (not when dc are there) and I’ve made it clear ALL dc are there 23/24 dec each year and it’s unfair to treat them differently. It’s been going on for 5 years. Dh dc are teenagers now and last year my parents were saying ‘well they are older why are you still going on about this they don’t believe etc etc’ . SC are so lovely to their little brothers and really keep up the magic of Xmas and they really make it amazing for them. My parents are so off about it.

Anyway what I’ve been doing is splitting the money between 4 not 2 and adding to the Xmas eve box so that it’s for 4 children not 2. So it’s been fine and the label says from granny and grandpa and it’s just for everyone . Well we saw them last weekend and one of SC was exclaiming how much they love the Xmas eve box and talking about all the nice things in it each year and I could see my parents faces. They were furious. They called me afterwards and said never to do it again or they will stop so I said ‘fine then - stop. You wouldn’t treat them fairly so I did’ I think they honestly expected them to sit and watch and miss out on the box ???

Today they’ve said they want my dc dropped to them Xmas eve morning they’ll do the Xmas eve box / activities / film / hot choc with them . They have GrAndpaRents RigHts now dont you know 🤬🤬🤬🤬

AIBU if I just tell them to get lost. It’s really annoyed me

I understand why you did it but it was out of order. You basically faked a gift from them. They don't give a shit about their stepkids so don't pretend they do

Of course yanbu.

Have you told them they have NO rights and that your dc will never be dropped off to them on Xmas Eve?

Your step-children are not your parent's grandchildren. They have their own grandparents.

The difficulty is, whilst you have opted for a blended family, they have not and clearly do not consider your step children part of their family.

I suppose the ball is in your court as to whether you would prevent your children seeing their grandparents and having a relationship with them, effectively losing a set, whilst your sdc continue to have two sets.

Yes that’s true but I just didn’t have the heart to be honest with SC about it they’ve been through a lot and they need to feel equally cared about and valued so I just did what I thought was fair. It’s clearly one of their favourite things about Xmas the way they were talking about it i think my parents are so cold to have not been touched by that

I would just tell them to stop doing the box and you'll do it yourself for all the kids. And that no, they won't be dropped to theirs.

They must have had hearts of stone not to feel bad about not including step dc when it's obvious the Christmas box gave so much pleasure.

That's quite difficult. You can't force them to see or treat SC as grandchildren really, and it's clear they don't. That is a shame but not a hanging offence.

It does seem they are going out of their way to be unnecessarily cruel in this case though and I wouldn't do anything to facilitate them excluding the SC in light of that.

How did your parents get a daughter as lovely as you? You are doing the right thing by these kids and your parents lack of empathy for them is appalling. I think you are absolutely right in standing up against your parents on this one. Just cancel christmas with them if they can't treat the children the same. The christmas spirit is totally lost on them. I'm so happy for your dsc to have such a lovely, kind and caring sm as yourself❤️

To add - I do think it is mean that they do nothing at all regarding your sdc. Even if it was a similar box but on a smaller scale etc.

Jesus tell them to FUCK OFF ! Demanding to have your kids ?

Say No and No again.

This. They probably don’t mean to cause offence?

I’d stop accepting the boxes and do your own. I’d also apologise and say not dropping them off on Christmas Eve as that’s time you all spend as a family. It’s cruel for them not to include the step children, especially as you have made it clear that you wish for them to be included

i know my parents don’t have to accept them that’s their choice which I disagree with but they seem to want to make it obvious and that is the bit I find really unkind. If they cared as they say they do about their biological grandchildren they’d be happy at what lovely older siblings they have who bring so much to their lives. It’s always been divide and conquer with them though

No, your Step kids were saying how nice the Xmas box is and your parents reaction is to be furious?

these are not nice People. How did you turn out so nice?
Put them on the naughty step for a year, maybe next year they’ll be nicer

It's only their favourite thing as you've been faking it every year.

You know. Sometimes I think the expectations of grandparents to treat step kids the same on here can be unreasonable.

in this case? It’s absolutely not in relation to the box. I can’t imagine sending for two kids knowing another two would sit watch them with it. And then to be so horrible when finding out they were getting something too?

im not so sure about splitting the money tbh… especially as your kids are small so you could just pop it in their banks. But not wanting to allow the step kids to share the same experience as other children in the room EVEN AT NO COST TO THEMSELVES is what I can only describe as arsehole behaviour.

Yes they were literally saying how much they’ve always loved it talking about last years and saying to ds ‘I wonder what stuff will be in it this year!’ They are so lovely and there was this instant atmosphere and my mother with her sour cats bum face on

I’m impressed with what you did! Serves them right.

Both myself and DP have been the “lesser” children in the family and would never knowingly let a child feel that way.

But there is no need to be rude or exclusionary in such a mean way.

If you had a friend staying on Christmas Eve who had a young child, you would have to be a real POS to stage a tradition like Christmas Eve box and not find a way to include the visiting child. The fact that the visiting child may be a step is irrelevant.

They don't see the other kids as their grandchildren. That may be upsetting. But you can't force them to take your view.

It's up to you to manage the situation, not to redistribute their gifts in a way that they never intended.

My guess is that now they will be already planning ways of saving for their grandchildren to prevent you distributing to their step grandchildren and especially after this. So sooner or later you are going to have to manage these issues.

You sound lovely OP. A Christmas Eve box is a communal thing really and you’ve done the right thing there. I’m not sure about the Christmas money, if the kids live with you full time, I’d split it but otherwise I think id just stick it in your kids bank accounts and don’t tell any of them about it.

Of course you’ll now have to watch out as your parents will give gifts directly to your own kids and it will be blatantly obvious the others are excluded.

I would refuse to ‘send’ your kids to them Christmas Eve morning.

The only reasonable response from your parents would have been chagrin that you'd been a nicer person than them!

I think what you did was so lovely for your step children and husband, your parents are being very mean. I have a child with my husband and one from a previous relationship and I would feel really uncomfortable allowing my children to be treated different (by either parents) and so if I was in your shoes I would say to my parents, thank you for the Christmas Eve boxes and the traditions and memories the children have had for the past x years, we wish to carry this on for all the children and so if you want to do something for just the little ones you will need to think of something around Christmas when the big ones are not around (such a pantomime/christmas event that is aimed at younger children) to keep the peace. I would also step away from the step children thinking it’s the grandparents doing the Xmas Eve boxes and let them think it’s a natural part of growing up they are no longer being included and hopefully it’s more age appropriate and not obvious. What you did was lovely, your parents are meanies IMO.

Not to go into too much detail as not appropriate but SC have been through a lot and no GP on their mums side and a lot of difficult circumstances over the years. My parents know all of this and still
choose to be unkind and the only thing they’ve ever had to say was ‘why get yourself tied up in all of this you should have picked someone without kids !’ They just aren’t very nice unfortunately