Grandparents treating dc and step dc differently

[Gottoshare]

And my ‘rebalancing’ of things has been discovered 😬

We have 2 dc and dh has 2 dc from a previous relationship. Everyone gets on well, I adore his dc they are lovely kids.

Every Christmas my parents give money for my 2 dc, bags of sweets and chocolate selection boxes and a big Christmas Eve box. 2 of everything- plus big bags of sweets . There have been a few heated conversations (not when dc are there) and I’ve made it clear ALL dc are there 23/24 dec each year and it’s unfair to treat them differently. It’s been going on for 5 years. Dh dc are teenagers now and last year my parents were saying ‘well they are older why are you still going on about this they don’t believe etc etc’ . SC are so lovely to their little brothers and really keep up the magic of Xmas and they really make it amazing for them. My parents are so off about it.

Anyway what I’ve been doing is splitting the money between 4 not 2 and adding to the Xmas eve box so that it’s for 4 children not 2. So it’s been fine and the label says from granny and grandpa and it’s just for everyone . Well we saw them last weekend and one of SC was exclaiming how much they love the Xmas eve box and talking about all the nice things in it each year and I could see my parents faces. They were furious. They called me afterwards and said never to do it again or they will stop so I said ‘fine then - stop. You wouldn’t treat them fairly so I did’ I think they honestly expected them to sit and watch and miss out on the box ???

Today they’ve said they want my dc dropped to them Xmas eve morning they’ll do the Xmas eve box / activities / film / hot choc with them . They have GrAndpaRents RigHts now dont you know 🤬🤬🤬🤬

AIBU if I just tell them to get lost. It’s really annoyed me

If my children had a step parent, I’d love it to be you! You sound lovely to do this for them, I know it should be that way anyway, but you hear so many SC being unfairly treated etc, like how the gp’s are being. Just tell your parents not to bother at all and you’ll do all of it.

I agree what you did was from a place of kindness but I also think it’s wildly out of order to take someone else’s gift to particular children and redistribute it without their agreement. You should have added your own money and made a box for the SC to even it up, not achieved that by taking from your children’s gift from their grandparents. That’s hugely out of order and your parents were probably very embarrassed and have since acted angrily out of defensiveness.

This situation should never have arisen, you should have spoken to your parents ages ago and explained the issues their gift caused and given them the opportunity to do it for all the kids but if they declined, you should have used your own money to even it up and not taken from your kids to give to the SC and then pretended it was from them. Your heart is in the right place but you just don’t have the right to regift your parents money to other kids that they didn’t gift it to and then be surprised that they’re upset when they accidentally find out, surely thats obvious?! And what if your SC had realised what was going on, they would have been so mortified. Your parents did quite well to avoid that during the conversation tbh!

It would be nice if they viewed your SC as part of the family but they clearly don’t and you have to manage that the best way you choose, but to do it by stealthily redistributing money they gifted to their GC in good faith is appalling. They clearly can’t demand your children are taken to them but I’m not surprised they’re trying, they feel their relationship with their grandchildren is threatened and that you’re a barrier to them being the grandparents they want which is to their own grandchildren ONLY.

Now you know their position you need to decide the way forwards, if it’s better to have your kids grandparents actively in their life without SC being treated the same, or pushing them right back. But you don’t get to mislead your SC and masquerade actions from them, painting the picture of a relationship that isn’t there - that’s hugely unfair on your SC if nothing else! You have built them up to believe something from your parents which you now have to dial right back from - as I say, your heart is in the right place but I think you’ve handled this very poorly, sorry.

Your step children are lucky to have you x
I understand your parents are going to favour their ‘real’ GC, but they should not be making this obvious to the SC (who sound like lovely kids).
It’s a blended family now and your parents really need to recognise this.

They sound sour; your step kids sound lovely. Your parents should show a bit of grace but if they can’t, should just stop giving. They’ll also stop getting to take the credit for what sounds like a lovely family tradition. They lose.

I love this comment! Couldn’t have said it better ❤️

My in-laws have an incredibly strong bond with my children of my first marriage. They took the view, two more children to augment the family - let's cherish them! ( And, yes, that has involved including them equally in monetary disbursements over the years.)

You and your DC (all of them) sound lovely.

Your parents seem intent on causing problems. Maybe they could have a pre Xmas, day with the little two to spoil them but not Christmas Eve. This could mean you could do an age appropriate treat with the bigger two.

I agree with all of this.

Yes this, I know that you can't make anyone treat their step-grandchildren in the same way ad they treat their biological grandchildren but you can make sure that all the children in your house are treated fairly, I understand why you did what you did and you were actually covering their unkindness which showed in the way your step child showed their appreciation of something they believed the grandparents were doing!

People are very weird when it comes to blood/ not blood. I'm part of a group and we had a new member last week. We were talking about grandchildren. She said that she she had one grandson but he was 'only an adopted grandson'. The child in question is now a young adult. He was adopted at 3 days old from a young woman in Texas ( son and American DIL live in USA). He has only ever known her family. He is the only grandchild in the family. She is in her early 80s. There won't be anymore grandchildren. Throughout the conversation she referred to him as ' my adopted grandchild'. I found it really jarring.

When I first read your title I thought why shouldn't they treat their biological grandchildren differently, but when I read the subject matter, and your parent's reaction to the happiness of your stepchild, I couldn't believe what arseholes your parents are. And then they think that you will send your two younger ones to them on Christmas Eve?! I hope that you won't give in to them an inch, they sound like they are rotten to the core sadly. Hope you, your husband and your 4 kids all have a brilliant christmas together!

You sound like a great stepmum. It’s a shame your parents don’t want to involve them and take on a grandparent role to them. They don’t have to but would be nice if they did. I don’t think they should need to give money but including sweets/ other treats in the Christmas Eve box would be thoughtful. If I was in your parents position I would feel so bad hearing how much the step children love it knowing I hadn’t included them and this year would be insuring that I included them.

You sound lovely OP, I totally agree with you. Good boundaries are important here and if the GPs can’t get on board with getting all children a Christmas Eve box then I would be inclined to do it instead. I would not be giving into any demands either. What values are these GPs trying to instil here? Certainly not inclusivity, kindness or generosity. I’d be concerned about how their meanness might manifest in other ways too.

I hope you have a wonderful Christmas!

@Rhaidimiddim my inlaws have had a Ukrainian mum and her teenage daughter living with them for 3 years now. They include them in everything.

My DPIL would have never have dreamed of leaving the Ukrainian girl out of some Xmas gift. Nor us.

Yes my parents have said so many times ‘blood is thicker than water’ 🙄

Yes, some people are very odd when it comes to 'blood' relatives. It's just bloody spiteful tbh.
Thing is, it's a festive thing. They know they spend 23/24 Dec with you. And to leave them out is just friggin mean.
I'd definitely be telling them not to bother at all, and you'll be doing them from now on for them all! Who leaves kids out like that...? Weird! I just wouldn't even enter discussion with them about it. I wouldn't even go and see them those days. Awful.

You sound really lovely OP. Your parents have no right to ' demand ' your children, they sound very mean and bullying.

Urgh that old chestnut. Most often used to try to excuse bad behaviour in some way.

When I was a child I do remember we always had quality street tied up with gold thread and hung on the tree BUT if we had a friend round they’d all disappear till they’d gone home so I think it’s a theme my parents are continuing just to be selfish with Christmas joy

@Gottoshare you sound absolutely lovely, and yoir little family sounds amazing. Of course you did the right thing. How would your parents react if you said to them “actually mum/dad I conceived via an egg donor so blood isn’t thicker than water”.
No way in hell would I be sending my children there on Christmas Eve, do it as your lovely family together. Who the fuck sees joy on children’s faces and wants that gone?
Again, you are so lovely.

Well done, OP, you have protected the children who live with you from pain. Your parents are missing out on having more grandchildren, which is sad but absolutely their problem to shoulder.

I agree with that.

Op, you are a good-hearted mum and long may that continue.

And remind them that they're your kids blood relatives! They're siblings! If they hold on to that daft sentiment.

That sounds really horrible of your parents OP . I am shocked that instead of being embarrassed about having found out to be mean , she is angry instead .
Yes either way a blended family not everyone will be on board with full integration . But we are not talking about sharing inheritance . We are talking here of behaviour by your parents which is deliberately excluding two of the children and would cause them hurt .
Who would do this , especially given the circumstances you have detailed and the ages of the children who would all be there when these boxes are open .
You sound lovely and should continue to protect the feelings of the step children even if that includes limiting / restricting contact with your parents .

That’s hilarious but also really sad and petty. Well done you for being able to break the cycle of Christmas grinch! Festive joy all round!