Grandparents treating dc and step dc differently

[Gottoshare]

And my ‘rebalancing’ of things has been discovered 😬

We have 2 dc and dh has 2 dc from a previous relationship. Everyone gets on well, I adore his dc they are lovely kids.

Every Christmas my parents give money for my 2 dc, bags of sweets and chocolate selection boxes and a big Christmas Eve box. 2 of everything- plus big bags of sweets . There have been a few heated conversations (not when dc are there) and I’ve made it clear ALL dc are there 23/24 dec each year and it’s unfair to treat them differently. It’s been going on for 5 years. Dh dc are teenagers now and last year my parents were saying ‘well they are older why are you still going on about this they don’t believe etc etc’ . SC are so lovely to their little brothers and really keep up the magic of Xmas and they really make it amazing for them. My parents are so off about it.

Anyway what I’ve been doing is splitting the money between 4 not 2 and adding to the Xmas eve box so that it’s for 4 children not 2. So it’s been fine and the label says from granny and grandpa and it’s just for everyone . Well we saw them last weekend and one of SC was exclaiming how much they love the Xmas eve box and talking about all the nice things in it each year and I could see my parents faces. They were furious. They called me afterwards and said never to do it again or they will stop so I said ‘fine then - stop. You wouldn’t treat them fairly so I did’ I think they honestly expected them to sit and watch and miss out on the box ???

Today they’ve said they want my dc dropped to them Xmas eve morning they’ll do the Xmas eve box / activities / film / hot choc with them . They have GrAndpaRents RigHts now dont you know 🤬🤬🤬🤬

AIBU if I just tell them to get lost. It’s really annoyed me

I think what you’ve done is lovely. You sound like a great step mum.

Well OP, credit to you for rising above an upbringing by such mean spirited parents to become such a lovely generous mum yourself. How your parents can sit and listen to SC excitement and actually be angry I can't fathom. And yes, yes I would tell them no thank you and certainly that your DC were not going to theirs on Xmas Eve. You have decided how your children are treated and if people don't want to go along with that, and deliberately spite children just because theyre not blood relatives, then they self exclude.

Maybe the next step is asking them this directly.

What beautiful and thoughtful step children you have. You also sound like a wonderful step mum.

I don't understand why your DM can't see how lucky her bio grandchildren are to have siblings who love them so much and she should appreciate them. Unfortunately some people just can't see beyond biology! Grandparents right do not exist in the UK - my in laws tried that once due to not getting their own way. I would be telling them you are absolutely not dropping the kids off and start your own Xmas eve traditions.

There are enough sad stories of step families, she should appreciate how happy yours seems.

You sound lovely. Don't change your lovely Christmas tradition.

So what? It’s a lovely memory for them. We all fake Santa too. Why do they deserve the reality that their siblings grandparents are actually raging at the fact they enjoyed and were grateful for a Christmas box. I would protect children from that reality too.

It's seems like they're punishing you through the SCS, for daring to complicate their lives.

Such awful unkind behaviour!

I think you're lovely, and I completely understand why you took the decision to act regarding the gifted boxes and money the way you did.

HOWEVER I think you should have dealt with it much more head on at the very beginning. Nipping it in the bud. You've taken a passive route to resolving the situation for years, and are being a bit harder now, whereas had you perhaps said: 'Look, I need you to treat my SC equally regarding Xmas as my own children or I am simply not sending any of them for Xmas, those are my terms' at the very beginning, and stuck to your guns, this situation might have been resolved for you by now.

That said some of these old timer generation parents are stubborn as heck and you can't change them. So I say you have to be prepared sometimes to be tough with them. Ultimately they don't have to do anything for their SGC or even see them as such, horrible as it is.

Ah ok so they’re making a point in excluding your dsc then. This is exactly what my stepdad’s family would do as they also thought he could do better than a woman with kids only my mum and stepdad never had the balls to call it out, so my full-siblings and I woupdnliterally be sat in a room in tears with zero presents as my half-siblings got hundreds of pounds worth of presents. They even made us sit in the pew behind them at church.

Surely the only answer here is to ensure you go low contact and for them not to have contact on christmas / birthdays at all? They’re going to poison your kids’ relationships with their siblings if you allow them. If possible make your DH’s parents / family the centre of Christmas / birthday grandparenting activity

How are they with SGC birthdays, Easter, other holidays?

As long as your parents are being nice to these kids etc I don't think they are doing anything wrong.
They are not their Grandparents and have no obligation to get them anything, although a token would be nice.
You sound like a lovely stepmum but thats your choice, your Parents don't have to see these children as their Grandchildren and lying to the kids and splitting the money is out of order IMO

I agree your step children are not their grandchildren. They are their step grandchildren and they ought to be working with their daughter to ensure life long harmony in a blended family. I also imagine we're talking a couple of hundred quid tops. Not a four way division of their fucking estate.

This. If your parents had a tradition with your dcs each christmas outside of your home that step dcs were excluded from, fair enough. But to give a gift box to your dc quite literally under the noses of your step dcs without any care for step dcs feelings - that's really crap.

I had a step dad from age 9 and his mum & dad were lovely to me. I knew they were more involved with their 'proper' grandchildren but when we were all together i noticed no difference and for xmas etc they treated me exactly the same. I was always grateful for that, because when your parent/parents remarry you don't just gain a step parent, you gain (potentially) their wider family too, and for many children that can be an awkward, unnerving time. A little kindness from the adults involved can go a long way.

I wish my stepmother was like you, OP. It seems she took every opportunity to remind me that I was less important than her children, while my Dad sat back and watched. This still hurts 40 years later, these things are important.

your parents are being just awful and are missing the point of the holiday and also the luck ones of the family you have created. The sc may not be their grandchildren, but they are your grandchildren’s siblings. i would let my grandkids go for n christmas eve morning, but i would do something like the box myself at home to keep up the tradition. you seem so kind.

Come off it. They are being deliberately horrible to the step-grandchildren. They absolutely mean to cause offence.

It's a mystery that such mean and spiteful people could give birth to someone as lovely as OP.

Them saving for the grandkids is totally different. This is about a few gifts and being a nice person.

Whoever suggested about giving a smaller - visibly less good - gift as an alternative to show they are not as important I guess, it’s also shit to do that. It’s kids, not adults.

I agree that they can't be made to view/treat them as GC, but to not even send a selection box & a couple of other bits is so mean, knowing that the SC would be there.

Today they’ve said they want my dc dropped to them Xmas eve morning they’ll do the Xmas eve box / activities / film / hot choc with them . They have GrAndpaRents RigHts now dont you know

I think it would give me great pleasure to tell them no to this.

Imo the relationship between all of the dc and each other outweighs a dgm /dgf. Tell them to go to Hell. Nasty people... None matching dna shouldn't make anyone a cunt.... Grandparents have zero rights in the UK...

Suggest dc will face time them Christmas day unless they are playing happily with their siblings.

And mean it. Causing a split between dc won't be happening tell them. All or none.

Oh gosh your parents sound so nasty, and your step kids sound adorable ❤️ I would be raging with my parents if they behaved like this. Your stepkids will figure it out eventually, and that’s just so sad. Well done you for being such a lovely step mum x

I think this is the best advice. I think your parents should feel ashamed. I hope all four kids have a brilliant Xmas.

You need to give your parents the full quote if they insist on using it "the blood of the covenant is thicker than the water of the womb" I.e. the family/covenant you choose are more important 😉 My kiddos adore my mil and she has always been great with them even before her biological grandchildren were born, infact she is out shopping with my eldest today to get the great grandchildren christmas pressies. So sorry your parents have done this

I think your response is spot on. Do the box yourself. I don't know how you continue to pretend to your dsc that your parents are nice people. I think it would be better if you saw them after Christmas and new year. Maybe they can do a new years box. By which time the excitement of the Christmas eve box will long be forgotten and you can keep it away from your dsc.