Grandparents treating dc and step dc differently

[Gottoshare]

And my ‘rebalancing’ of things has been discovered 😬

We have 2 dc and dh has 2 dc from a previous relationship. Everyone gets on well, I adore his dc they are lovely kids.

Every Christmas my parents give money for my 2 dc, bags of sweets and chocolate selection boxes and a big Christmas Eve box. 2 of everything- plus big bags of sweets . There have been a few heated conversations (not when dc are there) and I’ve made it clear ALL dc are there 23/24 dec each year and it’s unfair to treat them differently. It’s been going on for 5 years. Dh dc are teenagers now and last year my parents were saying ‘well they are older why are you still going on about this they don’t believe etc etc’ . SC are so lovely to their little brothers and really keep up the magic of Xmas and they really make it amazing for them. My parents are so off about it.

Anyway what I’ve been doing is splitting the money between 4 not 2 and adding to the Xmas eve box so that it’s for 4 children not 2. So it’s been fine and the label says from granny and grandpa and it’s just for everyone . Well we saw them last weekend and one of SC was exclaiming how much they love the Xmas eve box and talking about all the nice things in it each year and I could see my parents faces. They were furious. They called me afterwards and said never to do it again or they will stop so I said ‘fine then - stop. You wouldn’t treat them fairly so I did’ I think they honestly expected them to sit and watch and miss out on the box ???

Today they’ve said they want my dc dropped to them Xmas eve morning they’ll do the Xmas eve box / activities / film / hot choc with them . They have GrAndpaRents RigHts now dont you know 🤬🤬🤬🤬

AIBU if I just tell them to get lost. It’s really annoyed me

Your DPIL have chosen to invite these people in to their lives, and are happy to share with them. They haven't been told "these people are here now, whether you like it or not, and you are expected to do these things". OP chose to marry a man with DC, and DP had no choice and are now being vilified.

I married a man with DC, and I tried my best to be a decent SM to them, on the occasions where their DM allowed them to come to us. I've always tried to maintain a good relationship with them, but they don't have a good relationship with DH so it's difficult. DSD1 has been with her DH for about 8 years, and we've met his DC once, so it's hard to consider them as our DGC and I'm certain it would never cross their minds to consider us as GP - never had so much as a card from them. DSD2 lives abroad and has two DC; when DC were born we sent gifts, cards, and messages. Never once received anything back, and DSD made it clear when she visited UK earlier this year that she would not be coming to see us. So I'm a SGM and GM, with no contact with any of the DGC, despite trying. Families are difficult.

I think so, if it was the GP money that was paying for it. I don't think there would be a problem if the OP put towards it and took along whoever else.

saraclara · Yesterday 23:37

"This thread is awful. I honestly don't know what's the matter with some people.
I spend far too much time here, and yet I'm still shocked by the sheer spitefulness of some women."

I agree the spite and pettiness is terrible.

BlitheSpirits

"Another woman thinking with her fanjo"

You sound disturbed.

Ok, so I have been told that it is not the case that the GP gave money specifically to be used for a family outing.

So, if it is the case that the OP did not put towards the family outing, then I would say that the GC did not get the full 100% of the monetary gift that was intended only for them.

If the SC did not accompany them, which would be easy enough to do as they live with their DM predominantly. Maybe i'm wrong but I would say she probably does outings without the OPs DC and so the money would have then gone further towards the GC. The extra could have bought their favourite food, or toys etc.

"If the SC did not accompany them, which would be easy enough to do as they live with their DM predominantly."
How does OP saying "it’s pretty much a 50/50 arrangement but there are some difficult circumstances (a lot better now than previously but still challenging at times and identifying if I were to say more)" translate to living predominantly with their DM?

“And my ‘rebalancing’ of things has been discovered

Every Christmas my parents give money for my 2 dc, bags of sweets and chocolate selection boxes and a big Christmas Eve box. 2 of everything- plus big bags of sweets.”

OP knows full well that she was being deceptive, and that the money wasn’t given to be spent on her stepchildren, and that the Christmas boxes were not for them. Whether you think she was right to do so or not, she lied to both her parents and her stepchildren. Even if you think the person deceived is an arsehole that deserves it, they’re of course going to be pissed off and reasonably consider the person deceiving them to be untrustworthy.

She would have been wiser to refuse the boxes, or provided her own for her stepchildren without pretending they were from her parents. If you ignore the impact on her parents, her stepchildren have been led to believe that they have a relationship with OP’s parents that doesn’t exist. That isn’t a kindness, even if she intended it to be.

Christmas is about the children! Would your parents not be embarrassed to just be giving gifts and excluding your SC?

How can anyone be angry at you for trying to make the SC feel included. Do you gift your parents gifts from the SC?

Give your parents a Grinch outfit to wear, as they can enjoy Christmas alone this year.

@InterIgnis That's an excellent summary of the situation presented and refusing the boxes would have been my preferred approach personally.

The big question for me is will my children ever forgive me for my deceit regarding Father Christmas 😆

We can’t be sure if it’s a power play move as we don’t have the full picture or story from the other side.

Some people choose to skip a generation when organising their wills.. I for one, hope to set up my kids the best I can before I go, and then what I have left will be given to any grandkids, as I won’t be there to support them through their entire lives. This will also take some pressure off my kids to provide the big things for their kids (home deposits, student fees). I don’t know, mine is the first generation where we’ll have anything to leave behind. I’ve not been raised expecting anything and will be raising my kids in the same way.

I'm with you💯 on this one OP

I'm a stone-cold bitch but this story has me a bit choked up!

Your parents' lack of warmth and compassion apparently knows no bounds; frankly, I don't know how two rotten, heartless people raised such a kind daughter. They don't deserve any of you.

Tell them to get fucked, put them out of your mind, and I hope you have a wonderful Christmas with your family.

I for one, hope to set up my kids the best I can before I go, and then what I have left will be given to any grandkids, as I won’t be there to support them through their entire lives

yes this is what people almost always do. It’s not the norm to disinherit your children in favour of your grandchildren unless ) there are serious issues (eg drug abuse) or 2) children are already so wealthy they don’t need it.

What OP’s parents are doing is shocking and spiteful.

It really isn’t shocking or unusual. OP’s parents know that if she dies before her husband that he will receive all of her assets and can leave them as he wishes. When parents know this to be the case, it’s not uncommon at all for them to do exactly what OP’s parents are doing by skipping a generation and utilizing a trust.

In a world where blended families are increasingly common, and in a situation where there’s a known risk of any inheritance being lost to the family, it isn’t outside the realms of normal at all, and in fact is something their solicitor would likely, if not almost definitely, have advised them to consider.

Ah ok well we’ll just have to agree to strongly disagree. I personally would never forgive my parents for disinheriting me just for being kind to children, but that’s me!

Christ they haven't disinherited her for being kind to children 🙄

They've disinherited her because she's proven she can't be trusted to do what they ask with their money!

I didn’t give my opinion.

I said it isn’t outside the realms of normal, and that it’s something a solicitor would advise if their client had concerns about an inheritance being wasted or lost. Preserving wealth for the benefit of blood descendants is one of the main purposes of trust funds.

That isn’t an opinion, that’s based on what I know to be true from professional as well as personal experience.

They don’t trust OP. Regardless of how justified you think she was, they have reason not to trust OP. They know that upon her death everything she has will go to her husband, who could then remarry and leave everything to a new wife. They, quite reasonably, want their assets to benefit their grandchildren, not be split between their grandchildren and OP’s stepchildren, or to be lost to someone else entirely. They also likely don’t want their grandchildren to be subject to pressure to share, which is another reason why they’ll be utilizing a trust fund.

It wasn't money destined for an outing. It is the OP who choses to spend it on an outing for 4 children. Presumably because she doesn't want to buy her children toys with their own money. God forbid her own children get something their siblings don't.

Give over. It's money for the GCs that OP puts towards an age appropriate activity for the younger children to enjoy, with the added bonus of doing it with their siblings which means they enjoy it even more. It's still the little ones getting the benefit of the money. She's not reducing the money to send the teens off to have fun excluding the little ones.

I didn’t give my opinion.

You said it wasn’t shocking. Maybe not to you- It’s shocking to me. Yes people do disinherit their children- of course. Some reasons may be legitimate. This one is shocking.

Fair enough. It’s shocking to you. You also said it’s outside the norm, or outside the norm for specifically this reason - I’m just saying that it isn’t. Keeping money within the blood family is a common desire, and a common reason for such action being taken. If a client has a blended family, or children that have a blended family, a solicitor will ask them to consider how they want to factor this in to estate planning (and ime it’s far more common for clients to want to preserve their wealth specifically for blood family).

You and your step children sound lovely OP

Of course she's reducing their money. Say the grandparents give £200 and the activity costs £50 per child. The children should still have £50 each left over for other things. But instead they get nothing back because the rest is used on the stepchildren. It is not the younger children's responsibility to pay for their older siblings. The OP and their father should cover them.

Thankyou

And thankyou to everyone who was kind and supportive