Grandparents treating dc and step dc differently

[Gottoshare]

And my ‘rebalancing’ of things has been discovered 😬

We have 2 dc and dh has 2 dc from a previous relationship. Everyone gets on well, I adore his dc they are lovely kids.

Every Christmas my parents give money for my 2 dc, bags of sweets and chocolate selection boxes and a big Christmas Eve box. 2 of everything- plus big bags of sweets . There have been a few heated conversations (not when dc are there) and I’ve made it clear ALL dc are there 23/24 dec each year and it’s unfair to treat them differently. It’s been going on for 5 years. Dh dc are teenagers now and last year my parents were saying ‘well they are older why are you still going on about this they don’t believe etc etc’ . SC are so lovely to their little brothers and really keep up the magic of Xmas and they really make it amazing for them. My parents are so off about it.

Anyway what I’ve been doing is splitting the money between 4 not 2 and adding to the Xmas eve box so that it’s for 4 children not 2. So it’s been fine and the label says from granny and grandpa and it’s just for everyone . Well we saw them last weekend and one of SC was exclaiming how much they love the Xmas eve box and talking about all the nice things in it each year and I could see my parents faces. They were furious. They called me afterwards and said never to do it again or they will stop so I said ‘fine then - stop. You wouldn’t treat them fairly so I did’ I think they honestly expected them to sit and watch and miss out on the box ???

Today they’ve said they want my dc dropped to them Xmas eve morning they’ll do the Xmas eve box / activities / film / hot choc with them . They have GrAndpaRents RigHts now dont you know 🤬🤬🤬🤬

AIBU if I just tell them to get lost. It’s really annoyed me

Yanbu. Your parents are really unkind. I cant understand why they would grudge some selection boxes and Christmassy bits for step children. It is hurtful.

It is very basic manners not to give some kids stuff in front of other kids.

I am glad you have not tolerated this. And your parents are very naive if they think they will see your children as often when atmosphere is so frosty.

Bloody hell. A couple of years ago, two of my friends came to us for Christmas because their families were out of the country. My mum always does me a Christmas stocking. When she knew my friends would be joining us, she put together stockings for them to open, too. I’m in my forties, and my friends were also both adults, but my mum didn’t want them to feel left out at Christmas. If we had kids here for the holidays - whether biologically related to her or not - I can’t even imagine how excited she’d be to do special Christmas stuff for them!

It’s so sad that your parents don’t seem to enjoy the idea of making all the children’s holidays special. You can’t force them, but you can certainly say that you’re not willing to have the children treated differently. So you have a few options:

• give the grandparents’ boxes to your smaller kids, and do equivalent boxes from you and DH for the teens;
• tell the gps that they can give the boxes separately to the smaller kids sometime after Christmas, when the teens aren’t there;
• tell the gps that you won’t accept the boxes if they insist on excluding the teens;
• persuade the gps to change their minds - show them that playing Santa for the older kids is a really nice, special thing to do.

I think the last one is unlikely to work, so I’d probably opt for the first or second path. The first one allows the gps to continue doing what they want, without totally excluding the teens - but it will be obvious that the gps didn’t send boxes for them, which may make them sad. The second path will piss your parents off, but will also make it clear that they can’t have everything their own way if they’re going to be Grinchy about it. If you go for that one, do something of your own on Christmas Eve to continue the special tradition, because it sounds like all the kids love it.

You sound like an awesome stepmum. I have one of those, and I still love her even though she and my dad divorced.

Whatever you decide, have a lovely Christmas with your family.

You are NOT being unreasonable; in fact I’d say you have great judgement and are a wonderful parent ❤️

Your parents on the other hand - very poor judgement, selfish and small minded.

I really commend you doing this. Hugs to you and your gorgeous blended family x

I don't get it at all

When I was little (and even as a teenager) if a friend came on holiday or a day out or we went to the shops, my dad would give them the same
So if he gave me £20 for the Trafford centre, the friend with me would get £20 off him too
Ice cream on a day out, the friend got ice cream. Same on a holiday
And that's not even family!

There are occasions when grandparents should be able to treat their own grandchildren and not their grandchildren’s step/siblings, but the event you describe is not one of them. You have created a lovely tradition and it has resulted in your step children feeling deep affection for your parents. It has not cost your parents anything and, from the sounds of it, the amount given was enough for all four to enjoy. They need to respect your family and your parenting choices on this one. They ought to keep giving the same things. The time to treat the children differently will come. They probably already only do birthday presents for their corn grandchildren. In due course they might give generously for confirmation or going to university. Those sorts of gifts will not be shared.

You sound like a lovely stepmum. Your parents are dicks.

That’s what we do with our kids. It makes the guest feel welcome.

How pretty mean a person do you have to be to not acknowledge that when a family blends like this they too are part of the family?

@Genevieva exactly!
Even at 25 my dad gave me £50 to spend on makeup and then gave my friend the same
I don't even buy anything for my cat without including my visiting cat in it and he doesn't even live here

YANBU to add to the box to include the SC, and YANBU to say no to the Grandparents seeing them separately to be given the box. However YABU to take money intended for your children and give it to the SC. If you wanted the SC to have an equal amount of money, that should have come out of your own pocket. Also, how has this only just come to light? Are the children not all expected to say thank you for gifts?

This
My mil always treated dd as her own
Why wouldn't you?
They are kids
My dh always bought a presents for his sons (half) sister.
And she's never forgot such kindness.

This ^ I recently attended a family event where the honoree is my actual blood relative - it was a coming of age / confirmation ceremony in another country. His mum had him and his sister, got divorced, married a man with one child, and then they had a child together. So a properly yours mine and ours family. The second husband / step father is the loveliest man, so different to the ex, and his family not only treat all four children exactly the same, but several of his family members travelled miles across a very large country to attend the ceremony. And as is customary in their country, they all presented my young relative with cash gifts to mark starting his adult life.

They will do the same for his sister in a couple of years. The actual father, the ex, didn't even send a birthday card, nor did his parents..

It is horrible to be so mean - a bit of Xmas cash and a selection box is hardly going to break the bank - the blood grandparents are being mean and just ridiculous.

Editing to say well done OP for evening things up for your DSC.

Your dp's should treat them the same or not at all.
I would tell a white lie and say gp's were saying dsc are a bit old for a box now but you disagree so you're doing it for all 4 from now on.

You sound a lovely family. I think you were right to divide up the sweets as Christmas boxes, that is a kind thing to do. Your parents would be mad to object to sharing out sweets.

Where I think YABU is to take money given to the grandchildren from their grandparents and share it between the four. You’ve essentially stolen half the gift. I understand why you did it but I think it’s wrong. That wasn’t your call to make.

Horrid view, just extremely unkind. The SC are a fundamental part of your family.

You can't force your parents to treat them kindly but you can withdraw them from your family life, given they do not recognise your family

So in other words they are deliberately undermining your parenting and your life choices.

This isn't about the Christmas presents.

I agree with this.

You sound lovely. The easy option would be to let the GP do this but it's not the kindest

I think you did a lovely thing actually - time to clarify to your parents that they have no rights.

I don't see it as stealing.
Op's dc are not deprived in any way.
I would do the same.
There's nothing to stop the gp's opening a bank account for the dc.

Agree with this.
It was wrong not to be open about how grandparents' money was being used - not surprising they were shocked. They don't have "grandparents rights" but do have a right not to be misled over how their money is used.
They do sound very unpleasant but there is probably not much to be gained by telling them to "get lost" - better to be civilised with them as you would like them to be with you. Try to explain that you need to treat all the children equally, and in fact the younger children benefit from the older ones being there.
Do sympathise with you having parents like this though.

Another one echoing how lovely you are and how lucky your children and stepchildren are to have you!

I would go nuclear on this one to be honest because I absolutely hate unfairness and being unkind for the sake of being unkind.

Yes grandparents are entitled to just treat their grandchildren, but this is not the time. How could anyone see such joy from your stepchildren about the boxes and want to take it away?!

I’d be telling your mother in no uncertain terms that her behaviour towards your family is disgusting. She can shove her boxes and that she would definitely not be getting the children delivered to her on Christmas. Who does she think she is?! I would actually go NC with her unless she gave you a sincere apology and promised to do better in future.

OP I’ve never heard anything as bad on here for a long time. I would do what you did and my parents would have had the same reaction. They were poor parents to me. Always right always found fault. You are a wonderful caring person. Don’t tell the step children it will really affect them and tell your parents no they won’t be seeing your kids on Christmas Eve and ask them to reflect on their poor behaviour especially at Christmas. I’m sickened by their behaviour, you did the right thing.

I can't believe the people on this thread saying it's ok to send a christmas Eve gift box to two children when they know there will be four present. The money gift - I suppose there's an argument for putting that to the side for the actual grandchildren if they want to be that petty.

I notice the mean-spirited feckers didn't have the balls to actually say to the stepchildren "oh, none of that's for you two, we don't consider you guys part of the family" instead they expect the OP to tell them? What a pair of gits.

I really hope if they do give the box to the little kids separately the children say "oh thanks, we'll take it home to share with our brothers/sisters". Maybe that will give them a twinge of shame. But maybe not.

And yes, I get it's not their grandkids, but it's a box of christmas treats intended for a family event, not leaving the step-kids an even share in the will!

You sound really lovely and i think it was such a kind thing to do. As someone with a vile stepmother this has warmed my heart.