Grandparents treating dc and step dc differently

[Gottoshare]

And my ‘rebalancing’ of things has been discovered 😬

We have 2 dc and dh has 2 dc from a previous relationship. Everyone gets on well, I adore his dc they are lovely kids.

Every Christmas my parents give money for my 2 dc, bags of sweets and chocolate selection boxes and a big Christmas Eve box. 2 of everything- plus big bags of sweets . There have been a few heated conversations (not when dc are there) and I’ve made it clear ALL dc are there 23/24 dec each year and it’s unfair to treat them differently. It’s been going on for 5 years. Dh dc are teenagers now and last year my parents were saying ‘well they are older why are you still going on about this they don’t believe etc etc’ . SC are so lovely to their little brothers and really keep up the magic of Xmas and they really make it amazing for them. My parents are so off about it.

Anyway what I’ve been doing is splitting the money between 4 not 2 and adding to the Xmas eve box so that it’s for 4 children not 2. So it’s been fine and the label says from granny and grandpa and it’s just for everyone . Well we saw them last weekend and one of SC was exclaiming how much they love the Xmas eve box and talking about all the nice things in it each year and I could see my parents faces. They were furious. They called me afterwards and said never to do it again or they will stop so I said ‘fine then - stop. You wouldn’t treat them fairly so I did’ I think they honestly expected them to sit and watch and miss out on the box ???

Today they’ve said they want my dc dropped to them Xmas eve morning they’ll do the Xmas eve box / activities / film / hot choc with them . They have GrAndpaRents RigHts now dont you know 🤬🤬🤬🤬

AIBU if I just tell them to get lost. It’s really annoyed me

OP's kids are still getting 100% of the gift, because you can't get 50% of a family outing.

The sheer number of people who don't get this simple logic, is almost as depressing as the hating.

It’s fine for them to not include step DGC in their will. What is not fine is cutting out their own daughter from any inheritance and dangling it over her head as a power play!!

What do GP on DH/DSC side do?

The OP said on a later post... "They buy them each a few presents and we see them usually on Boxing Day"
That's for all 4 children.

I do think that some people are looking at it from other people's positions and not just the OP to be fair. Some people do have to watch their pennies and tighten their belts. Look at what is occurring with the fuel allowance for many of the old people now. To gain 2 more children suddenly, whether biological or not, would add further financial burden. They may be struggling to give to their biological family as it is.

People who disagree with the OP are not lacking love or compassion. It seems as though the OP is giving a great deal of love and compassion to her SC. Surely that is enough, and it would be a bonus to receive that rather excessive level from others, and it really should not be expected.

Just because the level of love and compassion is "naturally less" towards SC in general, to imply that there is no love and compassion in peoples hearts at all is an attack on them and just plain ridiculous. It's not all or nothing. There are different levels of love and compassion in everyone that can change over time.

I realise that our comments are reflecting what we have been told. However, I just think there is so much more to this all, especially as we have not heard from the OP parents, who might have a completely different view.

I imagine his parents probably give equally because all 4 DC are their bio grandkids.

I cannot even imagine not treating SC the same, especially with as much as you say they have been through.

I think what you did is lovely. Personally, I'd be telling my NVDP that they will not be seeing their GC on Christmas Eve and if that is how they wish to be, contact can become very limited in the future.

Then do the Christmas Eve box yourself.

You only ever get one side of the story on here.

It's also interesting to see posters described as vile because they actually believe that when a grandparent gives a grandchild a gift that that gift should get to the grandchild to benefit them, and not be used in a different way from what it was originally intended by the gift giver.

I asked this and someone paying good attention told me that all 4 are the fathers biological children, so the GP probably do things equally for them.

And the stepchildren have 2 parents, though there seem to be undisclosed issues, and are 50/50 between mum's and dad's homes. I just feel there is far more going on than what is said here.

Yep, I can't get my head round it.

"Some people do have to watch their pennies and tighten their belts. Look at what is occurring with the fuel allowance for many of the old people now. To gain 2 more children suddenly, whether biological or not, would add further financial burden. They may be struggling to give to their biological family as it is."
We don't have the information to say one way or another so this is conjecture. OP supplemented the Christmas Eve box and shared out the gift which didn't cost her grandparents anything but the GPs are not happy about that. My impression from the OP is that the thing they're mainly short of is love.

"People who disagree with the OP are not lacking love or compassion."
True but those that accuse her of being a thief certainly are lacking...

"However, I just think there is so much more to this all, especially as we have not heard from the OP parents, who might have a completely different view."
I'm sure there is a hell of a lot more to this. This is a situation that has existed for years. There is a clue as to the sort of people they are in OPs statement that when she was a child, they would remove the sweets from the tree before she had friends around to ensure they didn't get any. There was also reference to numerous "heated conversations" regarding equality. I suspect that were OPs parents to be here right now giving their views, we wouldn't be thinking much of their views or them as people. There's my bit of conjecture.

Did the GP give instruction to use the money for their GC for a family outing? I didn't see that comment. I thought it was specifically for their own GC, not for everyone. Well that changes a great deal if that is the case.

I'm just wondering why the GP were so angry then.

It’s fine for them to not include step DGC in their will. What is not fine is cutting out their own daughter from any inheritance and dangling it over her head as a power play!!

It's not a power play? It's their money, they can do what they wish with it. Their daughter is not entitled to it. They want their estate to benefit their DGC and not be spread to stepchildren. Their daughter has shown in her behaviour that she won't respect their choice, and so they are limiting her ability to influence the outcome.

The original post says that the grandparents give money for the 2dc. That's exactly what is said.

Would people feel the same if OP didn't have step-children but spent the money on a family outing and invited and paid for two of the childrens' friends?

They can do as they please but raising the inheritance topic out of the blue in response to her admonition about the boxes is really manipulative. Why bring that up now, other than as a desperate attempt to exert power and control?

To say some people do have to watch their pennies and tighten their belts is not conjecture. It is facts! I was speaking in general terms.

It cannot be assumed that everyone is well off and can easily double what they give. I did not imply that the OP parents were struggling, but that they may well be. As you said, we do not know one way or the other, but you cannot rule out that this may be the case.

You would have thought you would stay well away from conjecture but you then proceed the rest of your comments with pure conjecture with your assumptions, suspicions and opinions, but you are well aware of that at least.

As all four are their biological grandchildren, you'd expect them to buy for all four. Perhaps they could do the Christmas Eve boxes for all four, or at least the older two?

I agree with you. There's always 3 sides of a story. Yours, Mine and the Truth.

I suspect this is because they’ve spoken to their solicitor who advised them, as is standard, to inform OP of the changes in process of being made.

Possibly. Maybe they would if they knew that the other GPs were excluding them. We simply don't know with the information given.

So do your parents buy Christmas presents for DC/DSC, or just the Christmas Eve boxes?

Do you have DSC every Christmas Eve? They never spend it with their DM?

Did your DP buy anything for DSC before you had your DC - I assume you were with DH for some time before you had DC - did you bring DSC in to the family and involve them with DP before you had DC?

True. However, it’s Christmas and they are all together as a family. Even if there were children staying related to no one, I’d ensure they had gifts the same and could partake in group activities.
Christmas is about giving and sharing. Goodwill to all etc. If the parents were not able to have children but adopted instead, I suppose the parent’s parents wouldn’t want to include that child in Christmas? They’re cruel, unfeeling and most certainly lacking in Christmas spirit. There are plenty of times they can show love for their blood grandchildren, but at Christmas, a child is a child.

They would not get near my family at Christmas with that attitude.

I'm assuming, correctly hopefully, that this comment was in reply to me asking if the GP gave their GC money to be used for a family outing for everyone.

If I've assumed rightly, then my stance has not changed that I do not believe the gifts should have been meddled with and shared out in any way amongst anyone but the GC.

It is about accepting and respecting someone's wishes, even if you do not agree with them. This does work both ways.