Grandparents treating dc and step dc differently

[Gottoshare]

And my ‘rebalancing’ of things has been discovered 😬

We have 2 dc and dh has 2 dc from a previous relationship. Everyone gets on well, I adore his dc they are lovely kids.

Every Christmas my parents give money for my 2 dc, bags of sweets and chocolate selection boxes and a big Christmas Eve box. 2 of everything- plus big bags of sweets . There have been a few heated conversations (not when dc are there) and I’ve made it clear ALL dc are there 23/24 dec each year and it’s unfair to treat them differently. It’s been going on for 5 years. Dh dc are teenagers now and last year my parents were saying ‘well they are older why are you still going on about this they don’t believe etc etc’ . SC are so lovely to their little brothers and really keep up the magic of Xmas and they really make it amazing for them. My parents are so off about it.

Anyway what I’ve been doing is splitting the money between 4 not 2 and adding to the Xmas eve box so that it’s for 4 children not 2. So it’s been fine and the label says from granny and grandpa and it’s just for everyone . Well we saw them last weekend and one of SC was exclaiming how much they love the Xmas eve box and talking about all the nice things in it each year and I could see my parents faces. They were furious. They called me afterwards and said never to do it again or they will stop so I said ‘fine then - stop. You wouldn’t treat them fairly so I did’ I think they honestly expected them to sit and watch and miss out on the box ???

Today they’ve said they want my dc dropped to them Xmas eve morning they’ll do the Xmas eve box / activities / film / hot choc with them . They have GrAndpaRents RigHts now dont you know 🤬🤬🤬🤬

AIBU if I just tell them to get lost. It’s really annoyed me

This reply kind of nails it. Your parents are unhappy that children who will have a lifelong link to their grandchildren share a nice moment each Christmas with their grandchildren. They want your step children to be left out - that's mean.

FFS. It’s Christmas bits and a few quid. They’re not being asked to leave all the kids a four-way split in their will.

So what they were hoping to achieve was ‘Here you go kids, it’s a big fat Festive Fuck You’?

Lovely.

And to whom would it fall to sort any emotional upset their ‘divide and conquer’ pish might have caused if you hadn’t intervened? You, their flesh and blood. Or does your upset not count either?

Agree that one way or another it’ll have to be dealt with up-front between you and them. I’d not let them drag any of the kids into it, so if it was me I’d say okay, we all must do what we think is right by our children, you and me both, so since you didn’t like the way I chose to handle this, I won’t be getting involved in any more mind-games around Christmas giving, gifts that come with spikes on are gifts you can keep.

Your step kids sound amazing! What a lovely blended family you have. Please don't let your mean-spirited parents ruin anything. I'm just imagining your mum's cat's bum mouth when she found out that your step kids love the Christmas Eve boxes. She sounds like one of Raold Dahl's hideous characters.

This is so lovely. I'm sitting here with rather wet eyes. You have a lovely family

You sound like an amazing step mum. Good for you, stand your ground.

YANBU at all OP . You sound like a wonderful step mother. ❤️

Your parents are so out of order.

They are not being ‘unkind’. Your DHs children are not their grandchildren, no matter how you look at it, regardless as to how difficult an upbringing they had in the past. I’m assuming here that your parents didn’t do ‘Christmas boxes’ for the stepchildren before your own children were born? So this tradition has only been introduced once your own children were old enough to appreciate it. Did their DF do a similar thing before your children were born? Sometimes, treating children differently isn’t necessarily a bad thing. I have a stepchild who was 5 when she came into my family. I’ve always bought her gifts at chistmas and birthdays, but have never seen her as a grandchild. Now my DC have had their own children, I still buy her nice gifts, usually costing more than I pay for my grandchildren, as she’s older. I give my GDC their own Christmas cards (from Granny and Gramps) whilst she gets a regular card from us with our names.
I have set up savings accounts for my GDC, but not for her. She has plenty from her own parents and GPs. But she isn’t left out or isolated. She doesn’t feel ‘less than’ for being a stepchild. She knows she’s sometimes treated differently because she has a different relationship!
OP, what you have done is been sneaky for understandable reasons but you were out of order. In this situation, it would have been so much better if you and DH had bought her a similar Xmas box to go alongside the one from your parents, not made such a drama over it. If your SD is given an expensive present from her father’s side of the family, do you get a similar gift for your DC and pretend her family have bought it for them?

Time to put your foot down OP. No more Xmas eve boxes (make your own for all 4) and no they won't have 2 kids on Xmas eve. They have absolutely no rights whatsoever.

Just read the step-kids’ ages, it just gets worse!

I would’ve said to your parents that yes you have been bolstering the box so they have taken the credit for your own kindness all these years! Well not anymore!

I can’t understand how children aren’t welcome! How bloody rude:

It doesn’t take much to show kindness at Christmas .

I think you need to read all Op’s posts. They are making a point deliberately because they didn’t want her to marry a man with children and totally ignore sc.

Best to remind them they have NO RIGHTS, they will not be seeing your children Christmas Eve, and they can f@&k right off if they think threatening you legally is the best way to spread Christmas cheer.

I am a grandparent to a blended family and I would not dream of treating the SGC and differently to my own flesh and blood. The OP was put in an awkward position and I believe she handled it a sensitively and fairly as she possibly could.

Tell them to fuck right off. Grandparents rights my arse.

You sound like such a lovely step mom to your step kids op. I can feel your love for them through your posts.

I think they possibly need a copy of A Christmas Carol and a big box of Quality Street for Christmas...

Because they are not blood relations. OP says that they are always saying 'blood is thicker than water',

They are also cold-hearted twats who want to deliberately exclude their grand-children's half siblings from any sort of Christmas joy.

At least the Grinch and Scrooge were shown the error of their ways and were able to embrace the spirit of Christmas. This will never happen to OP's parents.

I've got no advice to give op, but just wanted to say you sound like a fab step mum, and also kudos to their mum, dad and no doubt you, for bringing up such lovely kids. I hope you have the best Christmas together, and all the pine needles fall off your parents tree on the 24th.😂😂😂

I don't think YABU at all and I'd have done the same.

I'd also tell them they will absolutely not be getting the kids dropped off on Christmas Eve, or on any other day they demand it.

I have a DC from a first marriage. I then met DH and we went on to have 4 more DCs together.

Oldest DC has always called DH "dad". They have a lovely relationship and are very close. We also never ever refer to the fact that biologically they are half-siblings, as they - and we - don't see it that way. I know that if I died tomorrow I don't have to worry about oldest DC as DH will always say he is a father of 5. In fact we are currently saving for their wedding and he has said several times how important it is that all 5 are treated equally.

Biology isn't always important and yes it is your parents' choice whether they accept your DH's other 2 DC as equals in their family, but they are clearly missing out on the opportunity to know some wonderful people here and I can't understand them at all. I would do exactly what you have done, if it helps; it's a complex situation and it's so easy to be objective from outside it, but I know if I was in your place I would also do what you've done as I wouldn't want to exclude them either. I would also be saying no to any demands to do anything as regards Christmas Eve; it's a family day, so if they can't accept your entire family then they'll have to have their family time with your younger DCs a different day!!

You and your kids - all the kids- sound so lovely. It’s made me really tearful reading this, remembering how I was treated by my SF and how much I would have loved a stepparent like you. Please don’t ever doubt that you’re doing the right thing by them. You are. And your parents don’t deserve any of you.

Your SC sound absolutely amazing. Love the story of them watching out of the window with their younger siblings to see if they could see Santa. !!

I would have split the gifts also, I know some say it’s a bit sneaky but I couldn’t allow some to receive and others not. You’re the parents and it’s your choice and responsibility to care for them.

Your parents are actually evil.

They don't have rights and they don't deserve to see any of the kids at christmas.

What awful fuckers.

I agree.
Quite teary here too!

I don't know why people don't want their DC to have the belief that people they are not related to see them the same as people they are related to, and want them to be treated exactly the same.

They usually don't, and it's normal and fine and doesn't mean they don't care about them and if they were left out completely you might have a point but they're not.

I'd be furious if you were giving money or gifts that i'd given to my Granchildren to their step-siblings.

I don't know why anyone is defending the grandparents in this situation. Op, you are lovely and I wish my stepmother had been like you. Keep doing what you're doing and let your parents miss out if they aren't willing to keep to your (really wonderful) boundaries .