Grandparents treating dc and step dc differently

[Gottoshare]

And my ‘rebalancing’ of things has been discovered 😬

We have 2 dc and dh has 2 dc from a previous relationship. Everyone gets on well, I adore his dc they are lovely kids.

Every Christmas my parents give money for my 2 dc, bags of sweets and chocolate selection boxes and a big Christmas Eve box. 2 of everything- plus big bags of sweets . There have been a few heated conversations (not when dc are there) and I’ve made it clear ALL dc are there 23/24 dec each year and it’s unfair to treat them differently. It’s been going on for 5 years. Dh dc are teenagers now and last year my parents were saying ‘well they are older why are you still going on about this they don’t believe etc etc’ . SC are so lovely to their little brothers and really keep up the magic of Xmas and they really make it amazing for them. My parents are so off about it.

Anyway what I’ve been doing is splitting the money between 4 not 2 and adding to the Xmas eve box so that it’s for 4 children not 2. So it’s been fine and the label says from granny and grandpa and it’s just for everyone . Well we saw them last weekend and one of SC was exclaiming how much they love the Xmas eve box and talking about all the nice things in it each year and I could see my parents faces. They were furious. They called me afterwards and said never to do it again or they will stop so I said ‘fine then - stop. You wouldn’t treat them fairly so I did’ I think they honestly expected them to sit and watch and miss out on the box ???

Today they’ve said they want my dc dropped to them Xmas eve morning they’ll do the Xmas eve box / activities / film / hot choc with them . They have GrAndpaRents RigHts now dont you know 🤬🤬🤬🤬

AIBU if I just tell them to get lost. It’s really annoyed me

Can’t believe anyone standing up for GP’s ! Golly you really are mean people, Christmas yeah, about love and giving yeah? Not being a total cunt then being mad that someone has stopped you being a total cunt.

urgh OP. Well done you.

This

PS. If the grandparents do send Christmas box stuff this year and you supplement it - mention to all kids that Granny & Grandad provided some of stuff and yourself and your DH also got some bits - a joint effort!

I agree that it's astonishing that two cold hearted twats have managed to produce a caring and understanding daughter.

I don't think that grandparents should treat step children exactly the same as their grandchildren but this is pyjamas in a box. Not inheritance.

If I was doing something like this and one of the dc had a friend sleeping over I would include them. It's just good manners for a start.

Your parents don't deserve you or any of the children.

Op it's so lovely to see the efforts you've gone to so your step children are included in family traditions. In your case, I'd stick with the line "it's all or none". I wouldn't tolerate children in my house being excluded either.

Last year SC sat up with my eldest Ds (he’s 6 and has ASD) he couldn’t sleep as was overexcited and overstimulated and they heard him crying and they said he could sit with them they’d look out the window as they have the big loft room to try and see Santa then he could go to bed when he felt tired. One of them came down rushing about trying to find something jingly to make sleigh bell noises. They are 13 and 15 and they are just absolutely lovely

God that is such disgusting behaviour from them. How bloody awful.

Can you do it yourself this year since they obviously don’t want to anymore?

You sound like a lovely person and a wonderful stepmum.

Your parents sound horrible. I wouldn’t put up with that either.

Aw that is such a lovely story!

They probably don’t mean to cause offence?

They clearly do mean to because there's been several conversations about this and they haven't backed down and they are genuinely irate that these two kids got to join in rather than sit there and know their inferior place as spectres at the feast.

They sound awful OP, stick to your guns you've done the right thing and sound like a great stepmum

That is cold of them, particularly given the circumstances you describe.

I have step children and whilst my parents don’t view them as being their grandchildren, they are always included in Christmas/Easter type events, birthdays remembered and properly acknowledged. Because they’re children and it’s actually a bit odd to purposefully exclude when it is so much easier (and kinder) to include.

edited due to typo.

I suspect they were annoyed that you'd lied to the children about the gift, but can absolutely see why you would; you evidently care a lot about them and appreciate the way they love and treat your children too which is lovely- they sound wonderful as do you!

I don't think there's going to be anything you can do sadly to change their minds, I do see as it goes why grandparents don't always treat SC the same, but as you've spoken to them about it before and made clear how you feel, it's a shame they don't respect that. I'd do your own this year for the children.

I don’t have any advice but I’m sorry your mum is a Granny Grinch.

And well done to you for being such an amazing step mum 💐

Yes im going to as they all love it

Good for you OP. We had a sort-of stepbrother for a few years when I was a teen, and my Nanna was awful to him. She was quite toxic in a lot of ways, and batshit to boot.

They sound so lovely. I want to do them up a Christmas Eve box and I have never met them 🤣!

You are doing the right thing op, I would keep the dc away from the grandparents in these circumstances.

At the end of the day your stepkids aren't their grandkids and I can't imagine they have any/much of a bond with them. It's not unreasonable to want to give gifts to your grandkids. I think if you wanted to give the step kids gifts of an equal amount that's fine but I think YABU to half your own kids' gifts from their grandparents.

I’d like to say that the grandparents are allowed to feel how they feel but frankly I think I’d be stopping all the children from seeing them as they sound like absolute monsters . I assume you are not sending or taking the children round on Christmas Eve .

I’d be more likely to believe that if it hadn’t already been pointed out to them by their daughter how mean it is to wilfully exclude the SC and they chose to continue to do so. While their not their biological GC it’s something that’s important to their daughter

And as regards the dropping the children off on Christmas Eve. It would be a jog on from me very could feck right off

I was a stepchild who was treated differently by extended family. Now as an adult my step family have no contact with me not out of badness just because they don't think of me or my children as part of the family. My step mum is no longer around so there's no one to remind them I should be included. It was a hard lesson to learn and hurtful

I have up trying a long time ago.
You are such a beautiful step mum but I wouldn't push it. Let your stepchildren experience your love and leave the grandparents out of it.

You sound lovely (as do the kids), your parents are not. Such a shame they won't just include the step kids

I’m so sorry you have experienced that

I know what you’re trying to say but if your daughter has been with with someone for years and marries a man who has children then you do make an effort and build a bond for the sake of not only the kids but also your daughter. You accept the life she has and the fact she has step children.

OP’s parents are clearly out of order. If you have all children around Christmas Eve you do the fair thing and treat them the same. I’m not saying you can’t buy your bio grandkids extras or do nice things alone throughout the year but it’s Christmas, I personally think OP’s parents are making a point. Now telling OP to drop their bio grandkids off alone to spend Christmas Eve together. I think that’s disgusting

Ah well, one less thing for the grandparents to be involved in. No way would I be accepting gifts from them for just your 2 now. You’re making a stand and that's brilliant. I just can’t believe how they’d treat these teens so differently when it is to your dc’s benefit to treat them all the same. I also treat dd’s friends the same as dd, obviously I don’t mean gifts, I mean as in not showing favouritism to dd as I believe we are all equal. I love the sleigh bell story, it’s absolutely lovely. 🥰

They sound awful. You sound great. That's all I can think of to say.