Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Child-safe in minutes.

Meet the Other Phone.
Child-safe in minutes.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Dp wants my adult sons to ring the doorbell before letting themselves in

649 replies

chasingchange · 08/11/2024 18:23

I have two adult sons in their late 20s and who both live nearby and as far as I'm concerned my home is their home, it's where they grew up.

They don't stay long when they visit but pop in most days if they are passing or on their way home from work and will usually only call in for 10/15 minutes which I think is lovely that they do.

My dp moved in about a year ago and is really uncomfortable with them just walking through the front door and would like me to ask them to call first and use the doorbell.
He thinks it's unusual to as he puts it just burst through the front door but I like that they feel they belong here and can come and go as they please.
Is this a red flag? He seems to get on fine with both boys but wants me to treat them like guests in their family home but I do get this is his home too now.
I have refused but it's causing arguments every time they come.

OP posts:
Ginkypig · 08/11/2024 19:09

I think it very much depends on what the set up is has been and if this was once their home.

Is this your house that this was the established routine and he moved in

have you both moved into a new place together or did you move into his (ie into a home where the boys have never lived and this wasn’t an already established thing)

if it’s the first then sorry but he chose to enter a situation that was already happening and it’s not fair to just expect them to suddenly shift because a new person’s has decided it’s to change.

if it the second well that’s a whole new situation and everyone has to start anew.

for what it’s worth I wouldn’t like to be surprised by people I wasn’t expecting as I’d jump out my skin so I do get his point though!

when I visit my mother i knock as I enter and shout hello so whoever is there doesn’t get a scare, I wouldn’t just walk in silently. I do this partly because she is quite ill and can’t get to the door though and I know it’s easier for her to not get up. I dont know if she was mobile wether I would knock and wait for an answer instead though. She and my stepdad live in a house that I have never lived in so while they are my parents it’s never been my house to just walk into. Also they don’t live near so I am expected too which I think changes things I don’t think I’d do it if they didn’t know I was coming round.

could how I do it be a compromise? Either txt to say I’m on my way or a knock and announce themselves as they come in so noone gets a surprise

DifficultQuestion2 · 08/11/2024 19:09

When I visit my parents I already ring ahead to ask. My Dad specifically requests that I do this and I have no problem with it.

I think if you want to have a new partner then you need to accept that they will want to have a degree of privacy in their own home.

drippingtapp · 08/11/2024 19:09

Mine have to knock because the door is always locked

ISeriouslyDoubtIt · 08/11/2024 19:09

WillowTit · 08/11/2024 18:32

i am surprised they dont knock

So am I.
I'm in my 60s and visit my mum every day for an hour or so, we live a few minutes drive apart. I always ring her bell and she answers and have done so for decades. I have a key but have only let myself in without knocking when she's been ill. My siblings also ring the bell when they visit.
My adult children( with whom I'm very close) have their own homes and always knock when they visit and I knock on their doors when I visit them. We have keys to each others houses. I think it's simply a sign of respect that it isn't your home, it doesn't mean that they wouldn't be welcome at any time.

OlderGlaswegianLivingInDevon · 08/11/2024 19:11

I thought you said they had both moved out so it is no longer their home, whilst it maybe their childhood home.

Ringing the bell is polite.

otherwise your new partner needs to be fully dressed at all time, and certainly no sex ever - what if these adult children walked in.

wordler · 08/11/2024 19:12

Just in case OP’s partner is reading the thread - all you need to do is be strategically naked - possibly with one odd item on like an ovenglove or a hat - the next few times they come over - they’ll start knocking!

Growlybear83 · 08/11/2024 19:12

I would normally never have dreamt to have let myself into my Mum's house and only ever did so a couple of times once her dementia had got really mad and she hadn't answered her phone for several hours. Once I had moved out at 18, it wasn't my home any more.

Swedemom · 08/11/2024 19:13

My parents home is not mine anymore, of course I ring the doorbell. I also don't go through cupboards or fridge, I don't live there anymore! I have my own home!

Jeds55 · 08/11/2024 19:13

I don't think he's being unreasonable at all. He's not saying that they can't visit just asking that they knock first.

SophiaCohle · 08/11/2024 19:14

Unless there's some red flag laden drip feed to come, then I don't think DP is being unreasonable at all to want them to knock/ring the bell instead of just letting themselves in - it just seems considerate to me. Having to phone in advance isn't altogether reasonable, though, if that's what you meant by "call first", because it would kill the spontaneity that you all enjoy. I get that it was their childhood home, but they're not children anymore and have their own homes. The flipside of letting them continue to consider it their home is that he will feel like a guest. Is that what you (and they) want?

Hazey19 · 08/11/2024 19:14

Your DP is definitely being unreasonable here. They are your sons and it is your home. I would love it when mine are older just to pop in like that. It’s lovely.

sprigatito · 08/11/2024 19:15

I will never ask my adult children to ring the bell. They are not guests, they are my family, they grew up here and they are always unconditionally welcome. This is not negotiable. I am always fascinated by women who allow a bloke to edge out their kids. It's unfathomable to me.

nadine90 · 08/11/2024 19:15

I'm torn but leaning towards your partner on this one. My kids are young and I love the idea of them feeling my home is their home when they grow up and move out. But I hate the idea of people appearing in my house unexpectedly and not sure I could live like that. I have keys to my dads house that I grew up in. But I wouldn't turn up and let myself in without calling or ringing the bell.
Do they usually come around the same time every day? If so, could you compromise and let them carry on, but leave the key in the lock past a certain time, so they would have to ring the bell?

cariadlet · 08/11/2024 19:16

I don't think he's BU. He isn't banning them from the house; he just wants a couple of minutes notice.

I've got a key for my mum and dad's house but have never actually used it. It's there for emergencies.

I always WhatsApp to say I'm on my way round, they unlock the outer door so that I can get into the porch, I give them a wave through the front window when I arrive and then they open the door to let me in. If they didn't see me, I'll open the door myself but will always give them a shout as I let myself in.

katepilar · 08/11/2024 19:17

I think its reasonable if they knock and shout hello once they come in. I wouldnt want to bump into people who let themselves into the house.
Naturally he will feel different towards your sons as he is not their mother, or father.
I personally knock at my parents, let myself in, knock again and shout and wait for the answer as I dont want to give them a shock.

Pebbles16 · 08/11/2024 19:18

Neither DH nor I would let ourselves into our parents' houses without knocking. The knocking is cursory and we have keys so it's : knock, open door, shout "hello" in case someone needs to rearrange themselves!

Sivercat · 08/11/2024 19:18

I think he’s unreasonable. I still just walk into my parent’s house even after not living there for 30 years!
When it’s dark earlier I shout hello as I enter.
I wouldn’t be walking around my house naked without the door shut/locked. So no going in shower unless door is locked!

SophiaCohle · 08/11/2024 19:19

Would they even care, OP? Or is it that you feel you can't ask them?

Havalona · 08/11/2024 19:20

I would hate anyone, kids or not to just walk in unannounced. It's basic good manners to appreciate that it is NOT your home and respect that fact. I understand it may be a regional thing in some parts, maybe many parts of the country, but for me, those who have a key to my house can come and go but they must ring the doorbell before unlocking the door.

Of course now that many have camera doorbells, the need is not so great anymore, but they all still do it anyway.

zeebra · 08/11/2024 19:20

Do none of you ever have spontaneous sex? The DS are not being banned, just not encouraged to just throw open the door without notice. I also walk from the bathroom to bedroom naked in my own home. Is nothing allowed to be private and spontaneous these days?

user1471538283 · 08/11/2024 19:21

The only time I knocked on my DFs door without then just going in he looked at me as if I were mad. I never called ahead. But then I also had a key and we had an open house policy both ways, if you needed something you were welcome to it.

My two use keys because I keep the doors locked but again they just come in and again if they need something and I have it they are welcome to it. I couldn't imagine them having to call ahead.

halloumidippers · 08/11/2024 19:22

It's our Uber

Shwish · 08/11/2024 19:23

I agree they should knock on the door. Ring first, no. That's unreasonable, but I would absolutely HATE anyone walking into my house without me knowing. In fact my MIL used to do this to my SIL and her (now ex) DH. Honestly I think it was one of the last straws for their relationship. It's fucking intrusive. Of course your sons are welcome in your home, but he's not saying they aren't. It's his home too now. Obviously it's not too much to ask someone to knock on the door rather than barge straight in.

Rosscameasdoody · 08/11/2024 19:23

This is your sons’ home where they grew up. It’s been your DP’s home for a year. If he doesn’t like it he knows where the door is - tell him not to let it hit him in the arse on the way out.

halloumidippers · 08/11/2024 19:25

halloumidippers · 08/11/2024 19:22

It's our Uber

Ugh sorry pressed wrong button! It's our family rule that we do one or the other. Either ring the door bell or call in advance and say I'll be over at 10ish and then let ourselves in. Never fully unannounced