Dp wants my adult sons to ring the doorbell before letting themselves in

[chasingchange]

I have two adult sons in their late 20s and who both live nearby and as far as I'm concerned my home is their home, it's where they grew up.

They don't stay long when they visit but pop in most days if they are passing or on their way home from work and will usually only call in for 10/15 minutes which I think is lovely that they do.

My dp moved in about a year ago and is really uncomfortable with them just walking through the front door and would like me to ask them to call first and use the doorbell.
He thinks it's unusual to as he puts it just burst through the front door but I like that they feel they belong here and can come and go as they please.
Is this a red flag? He seems to get on fine with both boys but wants me to treat them like guests in their family home but I do get this is his home too now.
I have refused but it's causing arguments every time they come.

You're ok with it because they're your children. He doesn't have that relationship and so may be finding it a little bit uncomfortable, which is fair enough. Like others have said, a knock/doorbell ring prior to letting themselves in, a call of 'hello!' upon entering maybe, in case the knock was missed, so as to alert him to their presence seems like an acceptable compromise.

My mum knocks and then comes in, but my house is DH's, too, and she isn't his mum.
I think adult children who grew up there are different, and just walking in is fine. If he was their dad, presumably, that's what would happen. It's your house and your kids, what you prefer is what should happen.
When I had left home, I let myself in even if they were out!

Going against the grain I would find it quite difficult to live in a house where my partners adult children let themselves in whenever they wanted. I understand it’s your house and their family home, but you invited him to move in and that means you want him to feel comfortable surely? I have to say if my son moved out I would also expect him to knock or ring first too - maybe this boils down to family styles and customs

I think he's being totally reasonable - he lives there so surely it's his home too? I wouldn't want people just randomly letting themselves into my home, I wouldn't feel comfortable knowing it could just happen at any time.

Your sons are adults, surely they're awake of knocking on doors / texting first? It's polite to knock at least!

Reading these I'm wondering if this is an area dependent thing? None of my friends or family or DH's family ever knock before they come in, it's just the done thing.

Has he moved in to "your" house and it stayed that way or does is he on the mortgage / pays rent?

If the former tough shit, if the latter he should get a say but he needs to have the talk.

Given the sons are also men and its team sons or team DP, I'm not sure it's possible to make this about MN being anti men..is it?

My daughters both grew up in this house, and both of them ring before they come round and knock the door. They both have keys so if there is something to pick up or drop off then they can use them to come in when I'm out.

Is the guy your partner or a lodger? In fact, would you feel ok with his kids (if he has some) walking into your house?

when we were moving near my dm and she looked through the window i did say i hoped she didnt do that normally
boots on the other foot
i wouldnt want my dm just walking in and my ds only walks in when we are expecting him

Ringing the bell then walking in without waiting for an answer would be a compromise. Nobody is right or wrong here’s, it’s about preferences and expectations.

I don't think that's ok. It's their family home, they aren't the same as guests. They were there first and adult or not, will always be your sons. Maybe dropping a text before arriving would be a reasonable compromise?

I think it would be respectful of your sons to knock first and not just let themselves in. It's not just your home - it is your partner's too so I think his concerns should be respected. It is your family home of course, but it is not your DSs home really, they have moved out. My DS lives around the corner from me and would never use the key he has to let himself in, he always rings the bell ever since he moved out into his own place. There was no conversation about whether he rings th bell or lets himself in, it's just the normal, respectful thing to do imo.

Same!

I’m in South Yorkshire. Me and friends/family let ourselves in to each others houses when we’re invited over, knocking and waiting just seems too formal.

Lots of different views, I guess there's no right answer.

My DH used to let himself in to his parents house because they preferred him to do this, they were elderly and it saved them getting up, and his mum had bad arthritis, but he would always always call out quite loudly as he went through the door.

I can see both sides, so a compromise might be for them to knock or ring the bell and then let themselves in.

its different if you are expecting them though

I would expect them to knock and/or ring as they come in. Its great they're always welcome. But it's not their home. They should give warning. What if he's just stepped out of the shower.

I've asked mine to do the same. Sometimes I didn't hear them come in and jumped out of my skin to find them there.

Your kids trump your partner here.

Our eldest lives in London and the youngest has recently finished uni and is peripatetic. if they rang the doorbell before they came in, I’d think they’d lost their minds. They usually go around the back of the house and come in through the (unlocked) patio doors. It’s always going to be their home and we do not expect them to knock.

Your dp is being unreasonable op.
If he thinks it is a reasonable request get him to tell them, I bet he won't have the balls to do it though

Ha ha me too we knock and go

Nope, my sons can walk in the family home as long as I'm alive. I would have made that clear before he moved in though.

Having said that if my mum was married to some someone not my dad I would take my read off him

Most people don't step out of the shower and stand naked by the front door, do they? I'm sure if it was a set up where the only way from the shower to the bedroom was via the entry way and DP didn't own a dressing gown, OP would have said.

YANBU. It’s their family home you are happy with how they enter. I don’t knock when I call in at my mums or my sisters as I have keys and it’s just not something we do.

your DP will just have to accept this is ow it works in your home

you might be enjoying each other's company, having sex on the kitchen table, on the sofa,
it isnt relaxing the thought that your adult sons could come in without warning