Dp wants my adult sons to ring the doorbell before letting themselves in

[chasingchange]

I have two adult sons in their late 20s and who both live nearby and as far as I'm concerned my home is their home, it's where they grew up.

They don't stay long when they visit but pop in most days if they are passing or on their way home from work and will usually only call in for 10/15 minutes which I think is lovely that they do.

My dp moved in about a year ago and is really uncomfortable with them just walking through the front door and would like me to ask them to call first and use the doorbell.
He thinks it's unusual to as he puts it just burst through the front door but I like that they feel they belong here and can come and go as they please.
Is this a red flag? He seems to get on fine with both boys but wants me to treat them like guests in their family home but I do get this is his home too now.
I have refused but it's causing arguments every time they come.

I wouldn’t ask my children to knock! He’s only been living there a year!

My parents moved close to us. I the early days they wouldn't always knock, say they left and forgot something and came back for it, they wouldn't knock, or if they were coming by prior arrangement / invitation. DH wanted them to always knock, so now they do. He gets on well with my parents - he helped with the house hunting in the first place, provides tech support and flat pack building services, chats to them about common interests etc. He just wanted them to knock. It didn't bother me but I'm their child.
FTR going to theirs, if I'm expected I knock and walk in, I don't wait to be let in. But if I'm not expected, I knock, ring, bang on the window etc until I'm signalled to come in.

i agree with your partner

i knock on my parents door now and I haven lived there for a decade or more!
only polite really!

YABU.

It is his home as well now, and as such, you should respect that it makes him uncomfortable.
Compromise with them being welcome to pop in anytime, but ask them to ring the bell as they are letting themselves in.
I wouldn't be making them call to ask first - that is crossing a line.

You think those are the most likely reasons that someone doesn't want adults coming I to their house without knocking? How bizarre

Im with the OP but also capable of understanding why the DP doesnt like it, they aren't his children

I can see why someone might find it disconcerting to have adults he doesn’t really know well - even though they’re your kids - just walking in without any sort of heads up. I don’t think it’s necessarily a red flag that he’s uncomfortable with it.

And there is nothing wrong with asking your kids to knock/ring the doorbell before entering, either. It could be a small step in the journey from from the dependency of childhood to a healthy and respectful adult relationship with them.

But I can also see why you might not want to and if this is one of many little things then it might not be so innocent.

I think you need a hard think about how important DP is to you, whether this is just about him feeling comfortable in the home or whether it’s (as a PP said) him pissing in the corner, and how you see your relationship with your kids developing.

That what my adult children do and vice versa

Whose house is it? Has he bought half of it from you?

If not, it's yours, not his.

I don’t know anyone who doesn’t knock before they go into their parents house after they move out.

I mean, on a purely selfish level, it means you don’t walk in on them having sex or something…

But also they don’t live there anymore. It’s really not too much effort to ring the doorbell/knock the door.

I ring the doorbell, wait to be let in and usually have to stand in the kitchen for a cuppa at my mothers..not welcome due to her husband. Long story and a thread on its own.
My own kids tend to knock and walk in shouting 'hi mum, hi dad'. He is their dad, though.

I'm with him. It's either his home too, or it's not. And then you should tell him so he can make other arrangements.

I think the fact that it's causing arguments tells you all you need to know.

Agree with all of this.

Once I left home I never just walked in. I always knocked and waited. Neither would my dad have just walked into my home. It's just respectful.

I'd never let a newish partner make my adult DS's feel uncomfortable coming to see me in the home they grew up in. If they wandered into your bedroom I'd think your partner had a point about knocking first. My adult DS's both have given me a key to their homes and expect me to just let myself in for feeding cats or whatever. I'd feel sad if I thought my own family didn't feel comfortable just letting themselves into my home. If a partner pushed this I'd ask him to leave. No partner on the planet would get away with making my boys feel like they had to knock or ring and wait to be let in like a guest. 🚩🚩🚩🚩

At my Dads (was our family home) I ring the doorbell and let myself in.

This has been a compromise since his partner moved in and I used to just let myself in. I was slightly surprised to find her children had been given keys and let themselves in with no doorbell ringing etc!

I don’t think it’s unreasonable to ask them to knock. I always knocked at my parents house after I’d left home and we knock at the in- laws house which is dh’s childhood home.

I wouldn’t like people walking in unannounced. Maybe different if it’s a planned visit and they’re expected at approx 11am , or whatever.

Your DP knew your sons were part of your life before he moved in. The way they behave reflects the way you brought them up according your values and standards. Your DP sounds jealous, as if he wants to distance them. He needs to suck it up.

i used to have a key to my parents house, but i still always gave them the courtesy of a wave through the window or a knock/ring before letting myself in. It gave them enough warning that i didn't frighten the life out of them just appearing in their house.

I'd try and word is as dp feels like he can't wander freely around the house in just a towel etc as he never knows when someone will appear round a corner so could they just ring the doorbell as they walk in.
I'm assuming you've no plans for any spontaneous sex / fun given you never know when someone will walk in the living room.
Or DP locks the door when he comes in and tell your son's DPis worried about security

I'm with your partner. I always let my parents know if I'm stopping by and would never walk straight in. I expect the same. Does no-one have daytime sex anymore? Or a nap even? I couldn't relax in my home if people, yes even my son, was just randomly letting theirselves in, but I am big on privacy in general.

It may have been their childhood home but the fact is that they no longer live there, so it is not their home any longer.

I'm with the OP's partner on this one. When the sons turn up unexpectedly, they should ring the doorbell like any other visitors would.

I think he's being unreasonable. I live a long way from my dm and so when we arrive in the car she is usually out like a shot to welcome us. However, if we arrive and she isn't we'd just go in and if I lived nearby then I doubt she would expect me to ring the bell if I was popping round on my way home. I think if I was rocking up at an unusual time I would probably message or ring ahead to check its ok.

I’d get your partner’s point of view if your children had never lived in your home. However, they grew up there and it was their home.

my siblings and I are all in our 40’s/50’s our mum’s DP would never expect us to knock/ring the bell before popping in and we haven’t lived at home for decades.

Your DP is being unreasonable, it’s the family/childhood home.

I ring the doorbell before I let myself into Mum's house and I wouldn't just turn up without her expecting me.