Dp wants my adult sons to ring the doorbell before letting themselves in

[chasingchange]

I have two adult sons in their late 20s and who both live nearby and as far as I'm concerned my home is their home, it's where they grew up.

They don't stay long when they visit but pop in most days if they are passing or on their way home from work and will usually only call in for 10/15 minutes which I think is lovely that they do.

My dp moved in about a year ago and is really uncomfortable with them just walking through the front door and would like me to ask them to call first and use the doorbell.
He thinks it's unusual to as he puts it just burst through the front door but I like that they feel they belong here and can come and go as they please.
Is this a red flag? He seems to get on fine with both boys but wants me to treat them like guests in their family home but I do get this is his home too now.
I have refused but it's causing arguments every time they come.

Compromise - they ring doorbell but don't wait to be granted entrance if they have keys.

I still use my key to my folks house. It would be weird to have just naturally gone in for years to then suddenly knock and wait.
But if it's past 7pm I would txt just to not give them a fright .
But I suppose it depends how close families are

otoh
i agree it is a difficult request to make so not sure how you get round it

Do they call out as they come in?

When I visit my parents I would open the door and shout out Hi it’s xxx just popping in

But I wouldn’t ring the doorbell and stand outside like a lemon when I know they are in there.

I can sort of understand him wanting a heads up but I think part of accepting the familiarity they have with the place means it needs to be very informal so a shout as they come in rather than just finding them stood in the kitchen when he’s come through from the sitting room etc?

My adult children and my husband’s adult children all knock before coming in unless they’ve phoned to say they’re calling in. I wouldn’t like having them just walk in unannounced.

I think you're lucky to have such a relationship with your boys, I wouldn't let DP put distance between you x

So what if OP and her DP whose home it also now is are having an "private time". I can't think of anything worse than having in the back of your mind that your kids might burst in unannounced at any time.
Have a grown up conversation about it with DP and then the kids. If the shoe was on the other foot they would be horrified
However if there is an underlying feeling that he is being controlling that's a whole other conversation...

DB and his family don't live far from my parents (I live 80 miles away) and they sll just let themselves in when they like. It's very normal in our circle. As long as the visit isn't too early or late.

I'm 50 50 on this. What is his attitude? is it put forward as a reasonable request or a piss up the wall?

But also, I would rather my kids feel comfortable in my home and nothing on gods green earth would let them be put off from visiting me so I’d happily ask a partner move out over this I’m afraid.

How is that something that you know about everyone you know, I can't fathom how that would come about.

Other than this thread I can't remember a time when this has been a conversation I've ever had, have a missed a social convention that we should be informing everyone? The people in my life haven't got that memo either 😁

I knock then let myself in, my DS just lets himself in mine. For me it’s the principle of someone moving into your house and evictions things to change that I would be uncomfortable with, especially as it’s around my DC.

It feels like he’s trying to mark his territory

can they compromise? ring bell-and walk in.he then is aware of them be there(to tell him stop be a prick)

It's OP's sons' childhood home though and her DP has only been living there for a year. It sounds like he is staking his claim to OP's home and trying to put OP's sons in their place.

What's right for you?

If you like your sons coming in as they always have then have a serious thought about the DP and whether you're going to spend another year with him in your home.

Op don’t you ever forget a towel when you get out the shower so you have to run downstairs half naked to grab one out the dryer? Imagine not being able to have the freedom to do this in fear of an invited guest.

I don't just walk into my family home, even though I have a front door key. Yes, it's my family home, but I don't live there any more. Therefore, I ring the doorbell, and usually wait for someone to answer. At the end of the day it's privacy. I don't know what my parents are doing, they could have had a shower and are walking naked to the bedroom or they could be having afternoon sex!! My parents are in their 80's so the latter unlikely, but you see what I am saying! Nothing wrong in letting yourself in, if you've given heads up you're visiting and when. If you turn up unannounced, then ring the doorbell.

Agree with your partner. It’s not an unreasonable request. I do it to stop giving my parents a fright. It’s a bit of a startle to bump into someone or hear someone downstairs in the house that you weren’t expecting, as much as they are welcome in your house.

All he’s asking is for your sons to just ring the doorbell a few seconds before they let themselves in so he knows there is someone else in the house that’s not you - either for privacy reasons or safety reasons. He’s not saying they’re not welcome. Just asking them to make the most minor of gestures to ring the doorbell first so he knows they are in the house to avoid a startle.

Or he’s just trying to make it feel like home which her sons just popping in means he can’t live comfortably.

Oh this has made me so sad.

Right now your boys just walk in. You are I their world and they in yours. Do not put up barriers!

If my mum and stepdad know I’m coming round I just open the door and shout hello. If they weren’t expecting me I would ring the bell or phone them. They’ve never asked me to do this, I just do.
On the flip side, they never used to call ahead when I lived alone but now I live with my partner they check first and ring the bell.
I think it’s just courteous in case you’re in a state of undress!

Or maybe he is just trying to make the place he lives into his home, a place where he feels comfortable? He hasn't said they can't come over, just that he would like a little warning before they are standing there. I don't think that is much to ask.

Ringing the bell, or knocking is respectful, it just lets the parents know they’re there.

It's their childhood home, not their current home. And DP is not their dad so not on very familiar terms with them. I'd say his request is perfectly reasonable. My dad lives two hours away so all visits are pre arranged. When I arrive at the house, I open the door which has usually been unlocked when he expects visitors and call out. If it was locked, I would ring the bell, not use his door key which I do have.

Do they usually pop in at the same time & when you are there?

I mean if they are expected at X time I cant see the problem.

But if they turn up at all different times that's a little different.