Dp wants my adult sons to ring the doorbell before letting themselves in

[chasingchange]

I have two adult sons in their late 20s and who both live nearby and as far as I'm concerned my home is their home, it's where they grew up.

They don't stay long when they visit but pop in most days if they are passing or on their way home from work and will usually only call in for 10/15 minutes which I think is lovely that they do.

My dp moved in about a year ago and is really uncomfortable with them just walking through the front door and would like me to ask them to call first and use the doorbell.
He thinks it's unusual to as he puts it just burst through the front door but I like that they feel they belong here and can come and go as they please.
Is this a red flag? He seems to get on fine with both boys but wants me to treat them like guests in their family home but I do get this is his home too now.
I have refused but it's causing arguments every time they come.

Absolutely, they might. And I would respect that.

They have occasionally said something like "I'm getting ready, can you give me 5 minutes" which is fine. It gives them their personal space.

This is a massive red flag! Absolutely no way. Bin him off.

I’d worry how much he’s pushing them out after living with you only a year. That’d be a red flag to me

He’s not saying they can’t come.

Also is this double standards, would a stepmum be happy for adult DSC to be popping in unannounced every day?

Unless they live there of course they ring the doorbell. We do at my inlaws s or my parents and dh rings our doorbell too but think that's because he likes to be greeted by our excited dd. Yabu.

If your own parents had said "would you mind calling or texting to let us know when you're on your way, and ring the doorbell before letting yourself in, just so we know to expect you" would you have reduced visits?

but their parent isn’t and also the long term
of that residence isn’t.

But DP is asking her to ask her sons that.

You say that asking would be "pushing them away". I wouldn't feel pushed away if my parents asked me to send a quick text to let them know I'm on my way over, so I'm trying to understand your POV.

Why not suggest having a bell on your bedroom door.
😉😁😁.

Your sons are adults and live elsewhere. Your home isn’t their home. But neither is it your DP’s home if your sons are able to walk in unannounced. He must feel very insecure.
My adult children have keys to our home but they always ring the doorbell first. Likewise, I have a key to my daughter’s house but never use it without prior arrangement. I wouldn’t dream of just walking in and I think you and your sons are being insensitive.

I couldn't agree more, but I think a lot of posters on this thread are dreadfully immature.

If my parents asked me to txt or call to let them know I'm coming over, or asked me to ring the bell before letting myself in, I'd see this as a completely reasonable request that makes life a bit easier for them, avoids them feeling spooked, takes extremely minimal effort on my part and in no way implies I'm unwelcome.

But some people would feel pushed away...I really don't understand it but in my head, if their mum said "could you please send me a quick text" they'd be stamping their feet, throwing a massive strop and saying they're not going to bother visiting anymore.

I would have assumed that most adults aren't that pathetic, but it seems many are, and would not react well to being asked to show their parents basic courtesy.

I had an hotel cleaner walk in on me (wrongly) when l was having sex! God knows how l would feel if it was a family member.

I think you need to set boundaries! If you don’t feel your sons need to ring the doorbell etc then as it’s your house you need to tell him that while it’s his home now too, it’s your house and your sons and you refuse to make them feel unwelcome or an inconvenience… tell him you absolutely refuse to argue about it or keep having the same conversation over and over… make it clear that they’ve always done it and as far as you’re concerned always can!

My DC just walk in, so do my parents and my very close friend (and In laws, though they do ring the bell, then walk in - which just winds the dog up so I would rather they just walked in). I walk straight in my parents too, and I am in my 50's. I always say if I didn't want anyone to walk in I'll lock the door.

When I left home my Mum asked for the key back but very quickly got sick of answering the door to me.

Has he been through some kind of trauma or abuse that makes people “bursting” in, as he puts it, difficult for him? But even then he needs to accept it’s a him issue that he’d be asking them kindly to accommodate, not the objective right thing.

Absent something like that, I think he’s being unreasonable. If he’s moved into your home, he has to accept there’s a status quo that he has to fit in with.

I would be fine with it - I would never just go into my parents house unannounced- but I’m 46 and also don’t live locally to them. I don’t have a key to their house, and personally I prefer that, as it underlines that we are separate households now.

But for someone in their 20s, it might be hard having a “new” partner of their parent wanting to make that rule.

We knock at my parents and at my husband’s parents. We feel very welcome in both homes but they are not our home so we knock.

Likewise, our parents all have keys to our house. They let themselves in if we are not home but would knock if we were in.

@ElfAndSafetyBored why do parents let themselves in if you are not there?

For those saying the doorbell makes the dog go mad, surely someone walking into the house with no warning would do too

Not wanting people to burst in on you is not an "issue" and does not require historic trauma to be explainable!

I agree that if this frankly bizarre way of living is something the OP and her sons refuse to give ground on, he should not have moved in.

while it’s his home now too, it’s your house and your sons and you refuse to make them feel unwelcome or an inconvenience…

So she makes her partner - the person she is supposed to be in an equal, loving relationship with - feel unwelcome and an inconvenience instead?

Some people here have a strange idea of what a partnership is.

Not liking people "bursting in" on you is an entirely normal thing to feel. You don't have to have experienced trauma or abuse not to like that. It is kinda why doors exist. So you can have privacy when you want it...

The idea that you must have experienced trauma to want some privacy in your home is just wild.

This is an insane comment. What has trauma got to do with anything?
Let's imagine your partner has a an adult daughter. She's not your daughter, you've only known her a year and she's aged late twenties. Would you like her just wandering into your home whenvever she feels like it without you knowing? How about if your partner told you that since you're living in HIS home you need to just accept it as it's a "you" issue?
Or would you ask your partner if she could please ring the doorbell, while still being welcome?

Maybe this immaturity is a result of lack of boundaries and the expectation they have the right to dictate their parents lives.

My parents live three hours away. If they arrive whilst we are at work, they would let themselves in.

My MIL (local) might pop milk in the fridge if we have been on holiday. And when the kids were small they would pick them up from school one day a week and bring them to ours.

Just that sort of thing really.