Dp wants my adult sons to ring the doorbell before letting themselves in

[chasingchange]

I have two adult sons in their late 20s and who both live nearby and as far as I'm concerned my home is their home, it's where they grew up.

They don't stay long when they visit but pop in most days if they are passing or on their way home from work and will usually only call in for 10/15 minutes which I think is lovely that they do.

My dp moved in about a year ago and is really uncomfortable with them just walking through the front door and would like me to ask them to call first and use the doorbell.
He thinks it's unusual to as he puts it just burst through the front door but I like that they feel they belong here and can come and go as they please.
Is this a red flag? He seems to get on fine with both boys but wants me to treat them like guests in their family home but I do get this is his home too now.
I have refused but it's causing arguments every time they come.

That’s absolutely hilarious, bearing in mind the number of people saying the opposite on this thread.

What a fucking mad thing to say

@GertrudePerkinsPaperyThing

you don’t have to have experienced truama to want some privacy in your home, it’s a perfectly normal and natural thing to want.

OP’s partner needs to run a mile I would say!

What the actual fuck? 😂

This whole thread has been nuts and the OP has had some abysmal advice from a bunch of unhinged, abusive loons.

Yeah yeah - see a solicitor, LTB, ducks in a row, phone 101 - perish the thought that the doorbell be rung

I'd always knock/ring the bell or shout out hello before walking into my mum's house (which is the house I grew up in) but that's pretty much it. She wouldn't require me to phone ahead or wait to be let in.

I think that, given that it's your house and they're your kids, it's very much up to you and not your DP.

I think this depends on the family.
In mine its totally normal to just turn up at my parents house which was my home growing up and will always be my home, I will always be welcome.
My mum only asks me to let her know if I'm coming over if she needs to have food in the house to make dinner.
I would never think twice about just turning up if I needed to and they would never want me to feel like I needed to call. They'd be absolutely baffled if I rang the doorbell, I have a key!
It might not have been normal in your partners family but if you change your stance on it now, your sons will know that its because of your partner. How do you think that will make them feel?
How would you feel if it affected your relationship with your sons?

I don't think that's fair. Op's partner lives there, and it is 'his' home too, and he is entitled to privacy. The grown up sons don't live there, they can ring the bell. Maybe different for you,it is your mum and dad, but even then, they're entitled to privacy. As you say, your Mum doesn't mind, maybe they just walk in your house too, I don't know.

It won't kill the sons to knock; if they take offence, then they need to grow up; they don't live there.

No, as the doorbell does not announce who it is so our dog barks as feels it's a stranger, she does not bark at people she knows.

This 100%

My sons no longer live at home. When they visit they ring the doorbell and then enter if the door is open. If it's closed, they wait for me to open the door. Noone has ever asked then to, but, as they have their own homes, I guess they think it's just good manners

I don’t think ringing the bell is a big deal. What if you were having a romantic moment or he was coming out the shower.
that said they shouldn’t need to ring first

I would absolutely hate it if someone waltzed into my home unannounced. My adult kids let me know they're on their way then knock on the back door before letting themselves in. I'd jump out of my skin otherwise.

If he's generally welcoming and nice to them then I think you can compromise. It's his home too, and it's not a big deal to ask adult children to ring the doorbell or send a quick message that they're on their way.
I didn't live in the same area as my mum for the last 15 years of her life, but my brother did and he would ring the doorbell to give her privacy and not scare her. He had a key but only used it in an emergency.
Your sons have moved out and your husband moved in. I don't think there's anything wrong with some boundaries.

But they don't live there anymore, so it is not their home. I think he is being perfectly reasonable. It is normal to knock and wait for the door to be opened. He may be naked etc etc when they just let themselves in...

Our grown children sons and daughter's ring the doorbell ( even though they have keys) as we do when calling in on them
mostly they also phone or text saying “ is it ok to pop round, again as we do them, surly it’s being polite as us or them could have plans.
unless an emergency of course.

I think he has a point. It really annoys me when DHs parents and sister just walk into our house without any warning. I know this is different because they are your children but they aren't his. You don't mention if he has kids. If he does are you okay with them also just walking in any time?

I can see both sides. I knock on my kids bedroom door before going in just out respect , but this is your sons home and you've always done that.

I have been in abusive relationship so naturally my worry is this is 'the beginning of isolation tactics.

I'd frame it that D P is worried they might walk in a moment when privacy is needed , so an early warning is appreciated , big t be very vigilant if the request isn't left at that.

Its several months since the OP posted, presumably one resolution or another has been reached and they don't require further opinions.

What if she had been the one to move into her partners home. And his adult sons were coming and going as they pleased? I think the answers would be very different. He's not saying they can't come over, he's just asking for a little notice and use of a doorbell.

How would you/they feel if they walked in on you and your partner being intimate 😱

I imagine for most couples with adult children that would be a miracle!

Most importantly I think you need to establish with your partner that your kids are always welcome as long as you're in / don't have other plans.

If they have keys and this is how it's always been....your options are probably saying that it startles your partner so could they ring the doorbell.

Let's be honest they are coming to see you. No point pretending that it's a joint request.

When the chicks leave the nest many couple's rediscover the joy of sex with the fear of interruption removed. Freedom 😁