Dp wants my adult sons to ring the doorbell before letting themselves in

[chasingchange]

I have two adult sons in their late 20s and who both live nearby and as far as I'm concerned my home is their home, it's where they grew up.

They don't stay long when they visit but pop in most days if they are passing or on their way home from work and will usually only call in for 10/15 minutes which I think is lovely that they do.

My dp moved in about a year ago and is really uncomfortable with them just walking through the front door and would like me to ask them to call first and use the doorbell.
He thinks it's unusual to as he puts it just burst through the front door but I like that they feel they belong here and can come and go as they please.
Is this a red flag? He seems to get on fine with both boys but wants me to treat them like guests in their family home but I do get this is his home too now.
I have refused but it's causing arguments every time they come.

I used to use my own key to let myself in to my mam’s house. Don’t see the problem and neither did she.

My dd just walks in to my house. This used to be her home. It will always be her home as far as I am concerned.

I would hate for people not living here to burst through the door. I think you're being very unreasonable.
Your DP feels like he has no privacy. That's not a red flag.
Just ask them to ring the doorbell.

Families are different. I never had a key to either of my parent's homes after the age of 19, I couldn't have just walked in if I'd wanted to. My son is at University not far away and visits fairly frequently but he always lets me know when he's coming. He does use a key to let himself in - but I know when it will be within a few hours.

I don't think your partner is BU.

I never asked them to, but my DDs started knocking first, of their own volition. Then went from knocking and then letting themselves in, to knocking and waiting for me to open the door.

Likewise, though I have keys, I'd never let myself in to their homes without knocking and waiting.

If they have always popped in announced then let them continue. I think it’s lovely they come around so often, why rock what it is fine as it is. I personally wouldn’t change anything about my dc for a man.

Loads of my friends who live within minutes of their childhood homes where their parents still live have to knock and wait for the door to be answered when they call into their parents house and I’ve got to say I find it utterly bizarre. I always just let myself into my mum house even after she moved and she would let herself into mine, if I was worried about her walking in on anything I would just lock the door and leave the keys in. We do the same with my in laws and vice versa.

Get them to start shouting as they let themselves in and if they ever do catch you having sex in the couch (love that this is what people
are worrying about 😁) they’ll be quick to start knocking first!

I have never knocked on my mum and dad’s
door since I moved out.

My dh and his brother also live very close to my PILs but will always let IL's know by text that they'll be popping over. Even as teens I am sure your dc's must have been told to knock before entering rooms. As they no longer live there I think it's nothing but good manners to knock before letting oneself in. I think it's rude to just barge into a house unannounced, even if they grew up there. But I get that telling your dc to knock before entering puts you in an awkward position now.

I don’t turn up unannounced at my parents’ house—neither do we at DH’s parents’. And we don’t have keys, either. But then they don’t turn up at ours unannounced, and don’t have our keys.

Nope, keep refusing

I think it’s lovely they do this.

No it's unreasonable, they're your sons and their childhood home so if you're happy with them dropping in unannounced that's fine.

I'm in my 40s and I have a key to my parents house, I usually knock then let myself in, unless they know I'm on the way then I would just let myself in.

Oh course you DH deserves privacy in his own home. I'd never let myself into someone else's house.

What if people are having sex? Walking around naked? Ill? Simply want some quiet time? Does he have no control over this?

Families do things differently but as it is your home it is your call and I think your DP should respect that, if he doesn’t then perhaps that is a bit of a red flag.

Sounds to me like you need to get a dog - it will act as a doorbell for you then everyone is happy.

(but hell no would some bloke dictate how my kids entered the house! Should he even try I'd be coming up with extra ways, like randomly through the window...)

presumably if he’d just stepped out the shower he’d be in the bathroom… or at the very least upstairs?

I always ring first before I go to my parents and ring the bell before entering. I have my own key. I just think it's good manners besides no one wants to catch their parents banging or walking about in their draws.

Have you got keys to your kids homes? Do you just walk in unannounced?

I understand that it your kids family home and you want them to feel at home and welcome. I also understand that it's your partner's home and he wants some privacy and to feel comfortable walking around in his pants.

I think calling first is a good manners. I would tell your kids that it's always their home and they are always welcome but please call and let you know when they are on their way. They aren't asking to come. They are just letting you know so you can bung the kettle on (and your pants).

It's your house! They were in it long before he was. What would he do if they still lived with you?

I never knocked at my parents' door and neither did DH. Just think it's weird.

Stick a key in the door if you need an early warning.

Always knocked and shouted hello as I let myself in with my key at my parents.
Just wondering what your DP is up to that he doesn't want to get caught doing by your DCs!

They should knock. It's just manners. What if dp was wandering around half naked. If he live there its just about him feeling comfortable without constantly feeling one edge that someone else may or may not decide to come in who don't live there so it's never a certain.

I do exactly the same. For the same reasons.

My 2 adult sons just walk in. Doesn't bother us BUT I'm guessing they aren't your DPs children?

I don’t expect mine to knock , but then I wouldn’t knock at my sisters either I just let myself in .

They are family. They've always been welcome to come in without knocking. It's not time to change things now.

YABU. If I pop round to my parents I send a quick text first. Otherwise I would ring the bell before walking in. So would they. It’s about respect for a private space and your partner likely feels he has no privacy. You may be having a private conversation, being intimate, undressed, having a poo, anything. It’s just common decency.

Your boys are lovely to want to visit you so often. However, if I leave a guest in my home while I go shopping when I come back, I always ring the doorbell as I am opening the door, incase they hadn’t heard me opening the door to save them jumping out of their skin.