Dp wants my adult sons to ring the doorbell before letting themselves in

[chasingchange]

I have two adult sons in their late 20s and who both live nearby and as far as I'm concerned my home is their home, it's where they grew up.

They don't stay long when they visit but pop in most days if they are passing or on their way home from work and will usually only call in for 10/15 minutes which I think is lovely that they do.

My dp moved in about a year ago and is really uncomfortable with them just walking through the front door and would like me to ask them to call first and use the doorbell.
He thinks it's unusual to as he puts it just burst through the front door but I like that they feel they belong here and can come and go as they please.
Is this a red flag? He seems to get on fine with both boys but wants me to treat them like guests in their family home but I do get this is his home too now.
I have refused but it's causing arguments every time they come.

Or how many times have you messaged someone "Hi, leaving now, see you soon" only for them to respond "Why are you treating me like a stranger?".

Some really odd takes on this thread, for sure.

If I wasn't so confused I would be entertained by the people stubbornly insisting that asking her sons to knock and leave a couple of seconds before just walking into the house that she has invited another adult to live in is so cumbersome that they will cease visiting, or even go no contact and never let OP meet her grandchildren 😂Please, I really need someone to explain to me how asking your child, who has their own home and has for years, to knock before unlocking your door, is "putting your new man before your children". Surely by that logic, getting your kids to take their shoes off at someone's house when they don't want to is putting them before your children. Surely putting your children first means their needs come before anyone else's - not their vague whims come before your partner of a year's need not to have his girldriend's sons catch him on the sofa examining between his toes for athlete's foot or something.

Well since he moved in with you, and not the other way round, he can get fucked.

It's hardly parenting though is it, they are in their 20s and have moved out.

The advice all over the step parenting board is not to move in with a partner until the children are grown as it's their home, they come first etc. Now it seems like "the kids come first" is still the arguement for showing zero respect for your partner/relationship, even when "the kids" are grown men with homes of their own!
Just stay single if you don't want to adjust to accommodate another person, then you can prioritise what and who you like without hurting anyone else.
My parents still live in my childhood home but it's their home, not mine. Out of respect for them, their time, their home, their marriage, them as people who have names and lives other than Mum and Dad, I'd never dream of just letting myself into their home.
Being secure in their love, I still know very well they would kill/die for us "kids". The Ringing of the Bell has no bearing on this whatsoever, and it's not hard.

Such a vile attitude.

"Its my name on the mortgage, so fuck you and your wants/needs/preferences, you will take what you're given in this relationship without complaint."

Juvenile.

Our adult dc ring and wait, if we know they're coming we say to just come in.
I wouldn't want people unexpectedly walking into my home.
It is not outrageous to ask, only common courtesy to respect his privacy.

DP sounds weird sorry .

It's your family home . I'd be horrified if my parent said this

Two of my 20-something adults still live at home, for various reasons. They use their keys to come in the front door whenever. I can't see how it would be any different if they lived elsewhere! The eldest is buying a house and I can't see myself insisting that she knock the door or whatever when she comes home??

Maybe that's ok because her dad and my DH of 34 years aren't having wild sex around the house lol?!

I don't see the issue here. He gets on well with them. Maybe he just prefers to know in advance and doesn't like anyone sneaking up on him?

Both of you aren't unreasonable. Ring bell then key. Just to save any fright! Or maybe if he's getting changed etc. Bit of respect both ways will go a long way!

I’m in two minds. I can see why you feel it’s still their home, but what if you were running downstairs to get something in the nude or just taking your time getting dressed. I don’t bother rushing to put clothes on between shower and bedroom as it’s just me and DP now. I wouldn’t die if my DC saw me naked, but DP would be mortified!

Although! What if you were having sex during the day?! They should at least warn you with a call or the doorbell…

Agree with this. A friend of mine in her 50s moved in with her dp to his house and while they don’t have the situation of adult dc wandering in she very much feels she is living in someone else’s house. That it’s not her home. She had to get rid of all her furniture, everything is his. She feels very unsettled. That she can’t do stuff, make changes without permission. And she’s lived there years.

Does your DP pay towards the home (not just shopping/bills) like rent/mortgage? If so he may feel he has certain rights, which I would agree with. Do you feel your DP is marking his territory? Do you feel torn? There's no right or wrong here. Do what you're happy with, don't do what you're unhappy with as this will breed resentment.

@Kneebonefuture

he could well fuck off and leave op to it. He really isn’t asking for anything unreasonable

@adriftinadenofvipers

Maybe that's ok because her dad and my DH of 34 years aren't having wild sex around the house lol?!”

maybe you need to start.

@adriftinadenofvipers

Intelligent input darling.

Pathetic response darling.

The relationship was presumably in place for quite some time before OP moved him in.

This!

I don’t shut the loo door and wouldn’t expect someone to walk in unannounced and see me on the pot! I also travel to the southern hemisphere for work and may have a sleep in the day on return. Or entertaining a friend, without my clothes.

In addition, what if you don’t hear them come in? Several people have keys to my place, but l expect them to ring the bell before they come in.

Do you just walk into your son’s homes? Are you sure he’s your partner, ? Must feel more like a lodger …your sons should show some respect if they accept it’s now your Partners home.

it's causing arguments every time they come.
you've told your partner no.
he doesnt respect that.
it is your home, move him back out.

It's not 'pushing away' though is it? It's a, 'Hello!' 'Anyone home?' before they come bouncing in. It's just good manners. If the boys have left home, it's not their actual home any more. It's their mum's home. Imagine this bloke, peacefully pottering around the house he lives in, to find a grown man just walks into the house with no notice or warning.

It's not their home. They've moved out.

They aren't creeping in, they're just walking in and it isn't a stranger or intruder it's his partners children. Who she's told are welcome anytime, who consistently show up after work on their way home for 10/15mins to see their mam. This happens most days so he isnt caught unaware. They aren't letting themselves in at 2am or 11pm, they aren't staying for hours. And assuming their mum doesn't change her will or marry DP it's probably their inheritance.

He knew the routine when he moved in. I think its wrong to move into her house, their childhood home and demand the goalposts change unless there's a reason. But they aren't showing up at antisocial hours, they aren't staying for hours, they arrive at a consistent time and leave promptly. They aren't disrespectful to him. If they'd rang everyday enroute they'd be told of course they were welcome so why and the unnecessary element of ringing? Just to p!ss on his lamppost about it? Unless there was an issue of disrespect or inconvenience that ringing would mitigate I wouldn't be creating barriers by making her children feel like guests