Dp wants my adult sons to ring the doorbell before letting themselves in

[chasingchange]

I have two adult sons in their late 20s and who both live nearby and as far as I'm concerned my home is their home, it's where they grew up.

They don't stay long when they visit but pop in most days if they are passing or on their way home from work and will usually only call in for 10/15 minutes which I think is lovely that they do.

My dp moved in about a year ago and is really uncomfortable with them just walking through the front door and would like me to ask them to call first and use the doorbell.
He thinks it's unusual to as he puts it just burst through the front door but I like that they feel they belong here and can come and go as they please.
Is this a red flag? He seems to get on fine with both boys but wants me to treat them like guests in their family home but I do get this is his home too now.
I have refused but it's causing arguments every time they come.

@crumblingschools
in answer no I didn’t walk into her room when she lived at home, and no I wouldn’t walk into her house without knocking. However as
a parent I want my children to feel comfortable enough to know they don’t have to knock. It was their home, they grew up here, and can come back whenever they want.

Yes, I can understand that point of view if it's an expected daily thing. I can understand his, too. They can ring the bell (takes a couple of seconds) and walk on through. It's his home.

He would hate my house. The only people who ring the bell are delivery drivers 🤣 family and friends know they can just walk in (obviously have said prior they are coming round) plus the dog goes nuts if the bell goes annoying lmao

Sounds like he'd love your house, because your visitors have said prior that they're coming round, which is exactly what he's asking for.

This!.

What is your DP’s issue? Is he walking around naked during the day?

I think it’s lovely that your boys feel comfortable enough to come by often and still feel it’s their home. Why not?

I wouldn’t stop them.

Do you see it as his home? Or just that of yourself and your sons (who don't live with you)?

In the summer, l often walk around naked at home (windows not overlooked), so yes, l get it.

My adult child who has properly moved out can't just pop round because he lives too far away. If he lived closer, I'd be fine with him wandering in and out at will, but my partner is his father, who has the same level of familiarity and comfort with him that I do. Your partner doesn't have that. And it is his home too now.

Do you honestly not see why people would want privacy in their own home (and if he lives with OP now, it IS his home as well as hers) from others unexpectedly wandering in? Are you really, at every moment you're at home by yourself, 100% ready for someone else to suddenly see you?

Most people walk around naked in their own homes to an extent, even if it's just from the shower to the bedroom, so yes, I would assume that's an issue. Particularly in the summer, I'm in various states of dress/undress throughout the day. I don't have to worry about it because I only live with DP but I wouldn't be considered decent for anyone else to see.

That's not even the only thing I wouldn't want someone to walk in on. I wouldn't want to be walked in on if I was WFH on something difficult requiring conversatiom. Or if I was doing a sweaty home workout. Or if I'd had a slobby duvet day and was just a bit unwashed. Or if I'd had bad news and was upset. Or if I was already entertaining another guest. I simply could not live a life where anyone might pop in at any moment.

It also can't be said enough that ringing the doorbell is not in any sense an inconvenience, unless these adult men cannot use their fingers, and does not make anyone feel unwelcome.

And assuming their mum doesn't change her will or marry DP it's probably their inheritance.
I would hope they're not coming in with an attitude of "this is my inheritance".
I don't think it has any bearing on him wanting a moment's notice.

I knock when I'm going into my children's room in my house when they're in there. I don't expect them to say "go away", but it's a politeness to give them privacy.

I knock when I'm going into my children's room in my house when they're in there. I don't expect them to say "go away"....

But I suppose, depending on their age, they might say 'Just a minute' if they're getting dressed or having a private conversation on the phone.

To be fair, it wouldn't hurt them to just ring the doorbell before they walk in. At least they would be announcing their arrival.

It's hyperbolic to suggest ringing a doorbell would somehow be alienating to adult kids.
I'd be curious to know if OP has a key to her adult kids houses and lets herself in at will.
Adults in relationships deserve privacy.

I never just pop in on my daughter. Always check first then go. She's working and has a life outside work. She usually just texts "door unlocked" come in. I would also not want her just coming in the house unannounced. She always rings the bell if she comes unannounced or if I know she's coming I open the door so she can come in. This was her childhood home and my husband is not her father. She's 31. I've been with husband 6 years. I think it's just a mutual respect for our private spaces. But we support each other.
Last night she was in Newcastle visiting my 92yo dad. Her cats' feeders went offline so we drove over &reset them. But no...I'd never just walk in.

I'm very close to my parents and pop round regularly but I always ring the bell and wait. I'd HATE to walk in on a naked parent or whilst they're pooing with the door open etc.

People are entitled to privacy. I would also want them to knock.

I think knocking and announcing yourself before entering your former house is manners and not too much to ask, especially as you have a new partner.
I wouldn't like people just silently appearing that do not actually live here.

It’s not there home! They have their own homes. To ring the bell and then let themselves in is perfectly acceptable. I do that with all of my family homes. It’s just polite as you have no idea what people are doing. It gives them a second to get composed!

Do those saying it’s acceptable just to walk in:

• Never have personal papers out?
• Never have a row with partner?
• Never have sex?
• Never have a wee with the loo door open?

I also wonder how many of them would be happy if their son's just walked in unannounced with their mates or partners?

• Never realise as they're turning the washing machine on that what they're wearing can go in too and end up in the kitchen in their undies.

Welcome home boys! jazz hands

The amount of angst and anxiety on here about doing anything at all which your adult offspring could possibly take umbrage and offence to is really sad!

you brought this people up - you devoted such much of time and energy and money and all the rest of it to them for years and years….the relationship isn’t so fragile that you can assert your (very natural and normal and understandable) boundaries!

Yes. The door opens, your partners son walks in. What’s the problem?

It makes a difference if they are expected - just walking in is strange. I knock at my mum's house - I grew up there but it's not MY house. DH' parents knew when we are due and he knocks then uses his key