Its already started - Christmas Overwhelm - Mother

[FrozenLimeMargarita]

We go to my mother every four years, on rotation between inlaws, other family and one for ourselves. She moans every year we don't go. We could go more often as she would love it, but she makes Christmas so unpleasant, every time by ironically wanting it to be picture perfect.

We carefully agreed on a very simple menu at the beginning of the year to try and head the same old drama off at the pass - but I called today and it is out the window. We all just want to go up and enjoy her company. She didn't even need to cook - but she refused to be taken out and promised she will keep it low key.(she lives alone and likes her own space so won't travel, and will not come to us even if we go - she always wants us to go to her)

Suddenly she has three types of meat for the main, two starters and loads of side dishes. She making homemade pates in seven different flavours - in cute pots. Hand making Christmas decorations, printing menus out. She has baked puddings, pies, and cookies (there are only three of us!!) She has decided to do a cherry chocolate bombe on the day. Today she is making lemon curd, jams and chutneys. Planned to bake a German bread and have Bratwurst and homemade mulled wine at midnight. All of this sounds wonderful right - but actually, what happening is she is just getting frantic and winding herself up and is already complaining that shes running out of time and getting stressed already.

Yet gets irate if you point out its just not necessary - three people don't need a twelve pot selection of pates

and so it begins....

The creeping overwhelm where she wants it to be 'perfect' and gets herself so tightly wound up that by the time we get up there, she's in a foul mood, the tension is palpable and explodes as soon as one little thing doesn't go to plan. Then she starts to have a drink or two to 'calm down' or gets combative if you suggest not drinking, so it makes her go harder - then she gets overly emotional, distressed then angry.

If you watched that episode of 'The Bear' and were triggered - you know exactly what I mean.

Would it be unreasonable to just fake an illness

I was thinking of exactly that episode reading your OP. Can you tell her if she doesn't stop you won't come?

She must have agreed with you at the start of the year - what if you say that's what you want, not the mad pate situation? If she starts buttering bread with her fingers you need to leave.

Personally, maybe because I'm old.....indulge her. It's a once a 4 year event, she clearly loves it, looks forward to it and all the preparations and lead up to it all, are a massive thing to her. Treat her like you would a 3 year old. Be excited with her and for her, ooh and ahh in all the right places. Yes she's wound up on the day, again treat her like she's small and excited. A positive attitude, a gleaming over comments all will go towards having a good day for her and you, it's only every 4 years!

Indulge her little pots and menus 🎄🎄

Indulge her?! Indulge someone who doesn't know their own limits and lets the day descend into drinking and rage? Perhaps you need to watch The Bear because I wouldn't be indulging that!

Fake the illness, or put it on a longer rotation!

Christmas Olympics.

It sounds like maybe an ADHD meltdown?

If so, it's something that she won't have control over (unless aware of ADHD)

It does sound like an ADHD meltdown. Wants perfection then struggles with the pressure she's put herself under. Just tell her that you're not coming because you can't go through this each time she puts herself under too much pressure.

Yes yes to adhd! Very challenging!

I'd my dear mum wasn't already sadly deceased, I'd think you were talking about her!

I know its hard, but just try and grin and bare it all. Let her know you love her and offer to help, explain she doesn't need to go to all this fuss. But other just suck it up! Try and see the funny side, drink a bit of wine to get you through! and don't get yourself wound up!

One day, you'll do anything to hear her get stressed about it all again, to see her Christmas stress one more time, to care about her and want to help her just one more time. knowing you won't hear it again because she's died :(

This.

She does not have ADHD. Yes, I know.

Long story short - she was tested after an assault on the order of the court after she rubbed the judge up the wrong way by blatant victim blaming and refusing to accept any blame at all.

She is however a functioning alcoholic, with traits of narcissism.

The fact that she's already been tested shows that Christmas Dinner isn't the only issue. Tell her you're not doing it.

My mums the same.

Everything is her way on Christmas day, and no one else gets a say so, that's why I never enjoy it when I go to hers

My exPIL were like this.

It had to be perfect and they would get angry and shout and threaten if anything went wrong.

The year my SIL was late back from work on Christmas Eve the consequent row that went on over two hours was something to behold.

I don't mind people who want it perfect but I do mind the shouting and anger when it goes wrong.

Do you have a child or is it "just" adults being exposed to this?

She is however a functioning alcoholic, with traits of narcissism.

Don't go then. Or go and dictate the whole thing. You stay at an AirBnB, you are going out on Xmas day and she can come if she would like. You'll only stay in the area two days etc.

But I wouldn't go. It's not 'nice' for her or you.

That episode of of The Bear is honestly one of the best things on TV. I had no idea it was a thing other people had experienced. 😂😂. I felt so seen

Thats honestly why we go every four years - it is the longest rotation we can do.

If we visit we just turn up. It is lovely. She doesn't have time to get worked up and try to 'make it special' - it is just special because we are all there enjoying each other company and THAT makes it special. We all have a great time.

Her getting angry and drunk screaming in the street because the gingerbread burned and then sneaking her car keys and trying to drunk drive then crashing into a neighbours car. bailing and running away... was memorable, but not a great Christmas oddly enough.

sadly, you cant just turn up for Christmas though.

it is the longest rotation we can do.

You are telling yourself that. But it's not true. You can tell her Xmas is too much and you won't be doing it again. Boundaries (extremely firm ones) are the only thing that even slightly works with a narcissist.

My brother rang me after he watched the episode as he was kind of amused that it gave him a stress reaction (he is full NC with her and it is an unwritten rule we don't speak about her which I religiously honour).

I should mention she did it every year throughout our childhood, this is not a recent thing.

Likewise, we just didn't know other families went through this too - until I saw a thread on here a few years ago.

If inwas going I honestly would let it go and just accept it .
It's just one day.

Or don't go. Say you want to stay at home. You have a say in what you want to do at xmas

Oh my god
I actually stopped going to mine for the actual dinner once we had our own kids as she is foul to me most of the year and critical and nasty but then wants us all to ‘laugh and be jolly’ on the day while she sweats and says how much pain she is in and i would have to go and clean prior to and after as it was so hard on her!

id much rather cook and clean my own home and in peace without criticism

he is full NC with her

Sensible man. If he's allowed to be fully NC, you can definitely put boundaries around Xmas.

Oh god OP - your mention of ‘that’ episode of The Bear almost sent me into panic mode again. I identified with that episode so much that I had a panic attack on viewing and had to switch it off. Brought back some memories of my DM absolutely losing her shit at my DF when she burnt the bread sauce. It was just the three of us. Two of us couldn’t have cared less. Her outburst absolutely ruined the day.

I know, I know. You absolutely speak the truth and I respect you call me out on it. because you are right.

.....but my sad soft heart reminds me that she's old and so very lonely.

She has managed to piss off everyone who ever loved her (including all her children but me and I stay mainly out of guilt) she can't keep friends very long because as she got older she seems to have lost the charm aspect of the narcissism that used to draw people in so they seem to see she's a CF much quicker.

You could argue, she is seeing the consequences of her actions. I but I am also reminded that she also needs compassion as she 100 percent is the product of her own terrible upbringing and having children when she was little more than a child herself caused her to be damaged in ways I can not fathom.

you can't change how your mother behaves but you can be n charge of how you react to her behaviour

When you arrive if tension is high

validate her feelings - thanks for going to so much effort to make Christmas dinner so very special

if something goes wrong then manage the situation