Its already started - Christmas Overwhelm - Mother

[FrozenLimeMargarita]

We go to my mother every four years, on rotation between inlaws, other family and one for ourselves. She moans every year we don't go. We could go more often as she would love it, but she makes Christmas so unpleasant, every time by ironically wanting it to be picture perfect.

We carefully agreed on a very simple menu at the beginning of the year to try and head the same old drama off at the pass - but I called today and it is out the window. We all just want to go up and enjoy her company. She didn't even need to cook - but she refused to be taken out and promised she will keep it low key.(she lives alone and likes her own space so won't travel, and will not come to us even if we go - she always wants us to go to her)

Suddenly she has three types of meat for the main, two starters and loads of side dishes. She making homemade pates in seven different flavours - in cute pots. Hand making Christmas decorations, printing menus out. She has baked puddings, pies, and cookies (there are only three of us!!) She has decided to do a cherry chocolate bombe on the day. Today she is making lemon curd, jams and chutneys. Planned to bake a German bread and have Bratwurst and homemade mulled wine at midnight. All of this sounds wonderful right - but actually, what happening is she is just getting frantic and winding herself up and is already complaining that shes running out of time and getting stressed already.

Yet gets irate if you point out its just not necessary - three people don't need a twelve pot selection of pates

and so it begins....

The creeping overwhelm where she wants it to be 'perfect' and gets herself so tightly wound up that by the time we get up there, she's in a foul mood, the tension is palpable and explodes as soon as one little thing doesn't go to plan. Then she starts to have a drink or two to 'calm down' or gets combative if you suggest not drinking, so it makes her go harder - then she gets overly emotional, distressed then angry.

If you watched that episode of 'The Bear' and were triggered - you know exactly what I mean.

Would it be unreasonable to just fake an illness

Yeah my problem is not with people celebrating Christmas.

It's that Christmas takes over the entire country for months. It is totally over the top.

Christianity is not the only religion in the UK

When it comes with a side-order of narcissism and alcoholism it's not as delicious!

Rictus grin and “it all sounds lovely mum, I’ll bring Tupperware in case there are leftovers”.

We also have annual family related Xmas trauma, exacerbated a hundred fold this year for sad reasons. I hate it. Roll on 27th when I shall sit in my pyjamas all day eating chocolate and ignoring people.

Indeed, id missed that part.

Id be thinking what have I got to lose if I lay the law down and say, no you make your 7 pots of pate and bits then come to mine and bring them with you - but im not coming to you this year,

Never get into a rotation for xmas, you can never get out of it

Christmas isn't only a Christian celebration - it's cultural as well. Britain has always had a winter festival and Christianity chose to link the timing of their religious celebration to this. Other religions might not celebrate it from a religious pov but plenty observe it as part of the cultural life of the UK.
I am an atheist and have always celebrated Christmas.

Just have your car ready outside to drive through the living room...

Your DM sounds just like my MIL.

Sorry I have no advice - last years Christmas was a shitshow and PIL are still being difficult now with DH. We have arranged to visit another in-laws this year to avoid the situation (and hopefully have a dinner which isn't in a stony silence).

She just can't understand we'd like to spend time with her and FIL, the ninety-two accompaniments to the turkey aren't necessary.

What is The Bear?

FrozenLimeMargarita
you have made me tearful with your kindness. I could imagine becoming your DM if I make it to old age and my DH dies first! I totally see how she wants everything to be beyond perfect for the only DC who stays in contact with her, and that pressure is phenomenal.
Despite her refusal, I think you should give the ultimatum that she comes to you or you don't spend Christmas together. If you arrange for her to be collected and taken home so she has nothing to organise, then maybe she will agree.

I agree and I am a Christian. I really dislike the commercialisation which cheapens the reason why we celebrate. There is nothing more special than going to church over Christmas Eve/Day.

This may be a totally pointless suggestion OP, but could you tell her that she's to stop making ALL food for Christmas NOW! Tell her she can potter around and make decorations if she wants to, but YOU are going to do the food. Tell her that you've recognised that while she wants everything to be perfect, she puts too much pressure on herself, by trying to do too much, and ends up not enjoying herself. Therefore you are taking over, and will supply all the food and drink that is necessary, AND if she won't listen, and does ONE MORE thing, you won't be going.

How do you think she would react to that sort of ultimatum?

Sounds lovely- I’d turn up for the food alone!

This 100%.
Alcoholics and Christmas expectations don’t work well together.

Faking an illness is not on. You can’t be a dishonest coward. You need to say today ‘Mum, we’re not coming’. Tear the plaster off

Whilst the visit to your mum may be on 25th December, try labelling it in your head as “lunch at mum’s” and then designate another day “Christmas Day” where you can have a relaxed, joyful day at home and enjoy eating together without drama and chaos. It’s the only way I’ve found that doesn’t drive me mad or ruin Christmas!

I have an alcoholic friend and she's always baking and trying to cook wonderful dinners (which often don't work out as she's pissed) and I think it's because she's trying to give this picture to the world, herself included, that she's actually totally fine and in control.

Not particularly helpful, sorry. You have my sympathy though as I know it's exhausting and frustrating to be around.

OP ignore the ‘indulge her, you’ll miss her when she’s gone’ which either disregards or does not understand your crystal clear post. Do you want to vent (feel free) or want advice (lay down the law). Either way, there are plenty of people who ‘get it’ on a specific thread in the elderly parents patch if it helps you.

I can empathise OP, my MIL is no where near as bad as your mum sounds but we had the ridiculous over catering to the point that every surface was covered in food in foil trays, which was mostly cold because it had been cooked hours before because she only has one oven, the insistence that everything had to be ‘perfect’ which just set everyone on edge. We just stopped going, which seems harsh but we’re dreading it and why should we have our Christmas ruined?!

Sadly, I think you are going to have to accept you will have a miserable Christmas Day.
Knowing that, may make the Day just a little less bad when it happens.

You absolutely do not have to put yourself through this.
We had relatives who deceided to have a full on argument in front of my then 7 and 3 year old on Christmas day just before dinner. They left after pudding and were never invited to Christmas dinner again and that was 25 years ago.

Pointedly ignoring the unasked-for Christmas debate going on... I would ask others to also ignore - they can go make their own thread if they want to discuss.

This is the conversation that started today's post.

She started to cry that I was being 'critical' and 'I am just as bad' (that was corker of of a lie lol) I was 'ruining it for her'. She then decided not to listen repeatedly said just said 'she likes doing it'.

I don't doubt she likes doing it but it is the PRESSURE she puts herself under which causes her to crack and then basically meltdown spectacularly and all her work is undone.

She once did roast with birds inside bird which was amazing the table was awesome. The house looked and smelled fantastic, she looked great. She had family staying and my brother's new fiance there so she wanted to impress. If she had stopped there it would have been the talk for years - the whole house looked so amazing like something out of s storybook

Then dad happened to look at her while she was pouring a drink on Christmas Eve, she decided he was being an arse about her drinking. Started slugging back drinks to be petty and then started a screaming match so loud the police were called. She drank so much that she slept through Christmas Day and cried all Boxing Day because she was so hungover.

It is only the fucking 8 November - imagine what she's going to be like by Christmas Eve?

Oh god you’ve explained that so well. I felt every word 🙈

@Sandygoldenbeaches

I agree with @MrsTerryPratchett.

The U.K. is Christian country. Whilst we welcome everyone in & celebrate lots of other cultures, it doesn't mean we have to give up our own traditions/cultures/festivities.

I am not religious, at all, but I respect others beliefs.

i celebrate Christmas because its tradition, a celebration of lots of things that have nothing to do with religion. Religion attached itself to a pagan festival.

im not going to derail the OP's thread. Someone needs to start another thread if they want that (but better just to let it go and they're done to death on here every year, go around in circles and nothing good comes of it)

It does not show disrespect to anyone or anything. It is the U.K. culture & tradition, we don't have to wipe that out to allow other religions.cultures to exist in harmony.

I suppose the thoughts around Christmas are relevant. Because at what other occasion would a woman be working herself up into a state, about a meal which is 6 weeks away?

No worries, may start my own " bemused about Christmas"thread.

I just wouldn't go - I couldn't be civil or nice

Its behaviour like that, that makes me hate Christmas .. The over-the-top need for perfection, tradition or just the general cult-like carry-on.. eh no thanks!

I remember the year I told my family I was staying home and they could do their usual visiting without me and the guilt trip I got from my mother was unreal .. once they left I had a whale of a time .. so many roast potatoes lol I was 19 years old and I wanted peace ffs