Its already started - Christmas Overwhelm - Mother

[FrozenLimeMargarita]

We go to my mother every four years, on rotation between inlaws, other family and one for ourselves. She moans every year we don't go. We could go more often as she would love it, but she makes Christmas so unpleasant, every time by ironically wanting it to be picture perfect.

We carefully agreed on a very simple menu at the beginning of the year to try and head the same old drama off at the pass - but I called today and it is out the window. We all just want to go up and enjoy her company. She didn't even need to cook - but she refused to be taken out and promised she will keep it low key.(she lives alone and likes her own space so won't travel, and will not come to us even if we go - she always wants us to go to her)

Suddenly she has three types of meat for the main, two starters and loads of side dishes. She making homemade pates in seven different flavours - in cute pots. Hand making Christmas decorations, printing menus out. She has baked puddings, pies, and cookies (there are only three of us!!) She has decided to do a cherry chocolate bombe on the day. Today she is making lemon curd, jams and chutneys. Planned to bake a German bread and have Bratwurst and homemade mulled wine at midnight. All of this sounds wonderful right - but actually, what happening is she is just getting frantic and winding herself up and is already complaining that shes running out of time and getting stressed already.

Yet gets irate if you point out its just not necessary - three people don't need a twelve pot selection of pates

and so it begins....

The creeping overwhelm where she wants it to be 'perfect' and gets herself so tightly wound up that by the time we get up there, she's in a foul mood, the tension is palpable and explodes as soon as one little thing doesn't go to plan. Then she starts to have a drink or two to 'calm down' or gets combative if you suggest not drinking, so it makes her go harder - then she gets overly emotional, distressed then angry.

If you watched that episode of 'The Bear' and were triggered - you know exactly what I mean.

Would it be unreasonable to just fake an illness

So are all abusive parents actually victims who need support and not harsh judgement? What about parents who were violent or sexually abusive to their kids but who are now old and frail and lonely? Do their abused children have a duty to care for them?

Agree
Don't make op feel anymore guilty
Yes it's good to give and now my kids are adults my house is an open house Christmas Day.
Come if you want (or not - no guilt if you don't )
We also include anyone who maybe alone.
Op mother has had a different childhood ( like many of us)

Her mother could have therapy, join AA, work on herself.
There is so much help available these days.... but her mother chooses to carry on in the same self destructive way ...

I’m sorry OP, I recognised The Bear episode too.

You clearly feel not going is an option, you’ve worked hard with the menu reduction strategy which hasn’t worked.

I agree with a PP on simply refusing to eat the extras ‘we will only be eating the agreed menu foods’ on repeat, as nauseam. I think this is a kindness, as a PP also suggested.

What other strategies are available to you now? Can you plan activities that get her out of the kitchen and create a reason not to cook so much? Like a trip to a local woodland that’s vitally important for <insert reason>. Light exercise, green space will help her regulate.

Do you think she’s escalating the menu to make connection with you? Could you start any non-food Christmas traditions that do the same thing, like listening to an audiobook you can chat about on the run up to the day? Or to expand the planning of decorations that can be done instead of food? Something like the forced bulbs you can do?

I’d be thinking about the behaviour that underlies all this and trying to find other ways to connect. As well as acknowledging that it’s not your responsibility to fix your DM and that all of this is optional and not an obligation.

My DM was like this although she didn't go all out. It would be a Christmas dinner and pudding that my DF cooked anyway. But she would plan and complain and scream because she had to go out and get the stuff even though she didn't work. And then even though it was my DF decorating the tree she's have a fit over how it was decorated. She constantly complained how busy she was. But then get version of busy was doing one small thing a day.

She too was a functioning alcoholic so her attitude worsened as the day went on.

We had very few nice Christmases because of her.

Yep, that's plain old narcissism. To narcissists, boundaries are like candy. Fake an illness. Don't feel sorry.

No one has a duty to do anything.
It is up to op, and she should be free to enjoy her life without guilt.

I am considering the mother spending Christmas after Christmas alone, and most of her life on her own. We know she has had a terrible childhood and has probably developed coping strategies.

PP are conveniently ignoring the fact op said her mother is LOVELY when it’s not Christmas, so she is not uniformly awful and she has not been abusive to op,

No adult child is obliged to do anything btw.

You've never had to deal with someone with a personality disorder or an addict have you @LadyGabriella ?

Its utterly soul destroying.

Being the only relative of an alcoholic I have gone from empathy to boundaries. Empathy has its place in supporting positive change. However, this is about your life, your mental health and not your guilt that you say you have. Yes, she's your mother but not acting like it. I would say that this year is too late to pull out but I would suggest in the new year outlining that you will not be doing it again. Keep to the drop in visits and keep your sanity. Guilt is not enough of a reason to keep you having Christmas together. Your brother is on damage limitation and is very wise.

Can somebody please do a link for that episode of The Bear?
I've never heard of it.
Thanks

Did you miss the parts about the drinking, rage and narcissism that has driven away all other family members and friends? It’s not OP’s fault she has no one else, if it wasn’t for OP she’d be even lonelier!

@FrozenLimeMargarita My Mil is nothing like your mum. She's lovely. But every christmas it's the same thing. We tell her we can bring/ order food but no, she wants it her way. It has to be perfect.. and ofcourse she's exhausted and ends up in tears and says that she's useless... her brother doesn't come anymore because he's so fed up with her. I know she wants christmas to be lovely but with someone who is exhausted it really isn't. I wish she could just let us handle things but she is a Christmas martyr. Luckily it's justcone day out of 365! I can understand your brother going nc with your mum. A very sensible decision under the circumstances.

I agree! Jamie Lee Curtis was so good! Tbf all episodes of The Bear make me stressed and not want to cook 😆

Please pleade direct me to the episode of The Bear you are referring to. Sounds like a must see

It's the episode called 'Seven Fishes'.

I'm having two types of meat and it's likely there will only be two of us!

And I think I'm going with the Christmas Eve Bratwurst and Mulled Wine thing (sorry).

The issue is she's a narcissistic alcoholic, not her excessive food options. Have a dry Christmas. Replace all the alcohol with alcohol free versions.

I was thinking of Jamie Leigh Curtis as I read your post. I’m just worried I will become her! We all have the fantasy of a perfect Christmas so I empathise with her but acknowledge it’s difficult to be on the receiving end x

You sound like a a lovely person FrozenLimeMargarita. Kind hearted and decent. Your mother’s dream Christmas is astonishing. I was going to ask for an invitation to this wondrous feast. Then you told us how much it cost you all. How sad that she hasn’t got the insight to understand what she is doing to herself mostly and you especially. She somehow managed to produce a kind, loving , wise and insightful daughter. In that she is truly blessed.

Yikes, reading that OP is like reading an exact description of how I do Xmas Day (apart from the aggressive part) and if I ever have my parents here, I must drive my poor mum mental, let alone my husband and kids. I have OCPD and I need to read more experiences like this to stop me ruining everyone's Christmas!

Hi everyone - sorry I vanished. I got the lurgy for a week and crawled into bed and stayed there!

thank you to everyone who commented

To answer questions that popped up

@StandingSideBySide - My Brother threw in the towel after she caused mayhem when she went to stay at his for Christmas years ago. It was the last straw. Another family member stopped having her for Christmas when she got drunk (with smuggled-in alcohol) and upset her other guests by starting an argument about stay at home parenting. My father refused to have her when he lived nearby because she got argumentative, became pugnacious stormed off and drunk drove home. He couldn't live with himself if she did that again but hurt someone. (He hadn't realised as she said she was going for a walk and yes he would have called the Police had she not already made it home)

@LadyGabriella - I don't doubt she's painfully lonely. Not just at Christmas. She can be very very charming when she wants to be and if you met her you wouldn't for a second believe she is not anything but the delightful little old lady she wants you to think she is. She once had a very young and newly qualified social worker (SW) who was very opinionated about my shortcomings as a daughter. It was all snide remarks and subtle judgment. I warned her, but she would not be told. The SW then got on the wrong side of my mother and the array of shit/drama/problems my mother threw to get her way was almost career-ending for that SW. A hard lesson learned.

@MountainChalet - Yes she does, but without the insight that being 'extra special' is causing it to be 'extra stressful'

@PaminaMozart - I don't live near her. its a very long drive to visit.

@samedifferent - I see you have been to my Mothers at Christmas, because that is exactly it. Though I should mention Christmas is only the current tinderbox. When we were all younger it was any large event, weddings, birthdays and so on. but she's not invited to them anymore.

@TheWayTheLightFalls and @LookItsMeAgain - that was exactly the conversation I was trying to have with her when I realised she was just going to do what she was going to do anyway which caused me to post in frustration.

@harriethoyle - I think that's all that is now open to me, grin and bear it.

@Artistbythewater - I also feel really sad for my mum. If I didn't I wouldn't go. It does make me feel conflicted because it is stressful. I have explained above why no one else does Christmas (or any other big event) with her. Those are a very small slice of the issues over the years. In relation to you later post about her drinking because she cant live with the pain, that may be but the people she could have shared or would have cared for her pain she alienated. which is not unlike what @samedifferent was trying to get across. There is no lack of empathy here but its starting to fray at the edges.

@Dontlletmedownbruce - Thank you for the sweet comment. I don't drink, I wonder why? (lol)

@IKnowAristotle - Normally she's a functioning one. So I have very strict barriers in place to manage that. I never call in the evening because its likely shes been drinking and gets maudlin. If she calls when she has been drinking I 'have a work cal'l and I swiftly end the call. I don't call on a Friday at all. I don't call if she due to speak to any of her family or my father.

@DexysMidniteRunners - she refuses to travel (which after a long history of storming off and driving home drunk we are all a bit relieved about)

@Calliecarpa - I see you understand

@TestingTestingWonTooFree - No insight. no accountability and no desire to change. That is partly BPD and also the pugnacious mindset a drinker gets. Its hard to describe.

@FreshLaundry - when she used to come here we used to very carefully step around the landmines that we know triggers a set sequence of events. I think some part of her likes the angst of it because she hated Christmas anywhere else as it was 'boring'.

@user1471538283 - I do hope you are now having happy and chilled Christmases of your own.

@Slimmermama - That is how we ended up with a four-year rotation. Recognising I just couldn't do this every year, and agreeing with my OH that 4 years is about all we can give. I do not blame my brother or other family members at all, we all understand.

@Maria1979 - I know, right!?! - in the rare years when my mother doesn't drink she still got like this. Normally less explosively but just as stressed and then finished up with an episode of pure drama that should be televised. The drinking does amplify the whole thing. I will be stealing the 'Christmas Martyr' phrase what a great way of describing the whole thing.

@pollymere - we have agreed on no alcohol. (as mentioned above) it still doesn't negate drama, but there is less likelihood of the police being called, a fire or an assault on a neighbour (all things that have happened in the past by the way)

@MelodyFinch - sweet of you to say. I am just as flawed in my own way

@LT1233 - I am sure you have insight, so if your family asked you would change how you do something? if so, I am sure that just love you as you are

Did you read to the end of the initial post?

Sorry I didn’t see the backstory re your mum. I agree a lot of people can put on a front to the outside world, but treat their children badly. I think you would be fine to do whatever you’re comfortable with.

A surprising update. It was ok.

That seems a very tame comment for a Christmas, but ok is all I wanted.

I thought we were on the fastrack to another explosive Christmas as all the usual markers for a meltdown started popping up. A week before we were due to arrive, she ripped out the whole bathroom to decorate before we came. Putting ridiculous pressure on herself to get everything done. She had over-shopped, overthought, and overplanned and was so wound up I swear she was vibrating. She kept calling me up frantic that there was not enough time but getting sharp, defensive and irritated that I was being 'ungrateful' if I even hinted that any of this was wildly unnecessary.

However, after being on her hands and knees for several hours at 3 am (wrenching up bathroom laminate tiles) she actually pulled a muscle in her back and had to go to bed for two days. (note, where she lives they have a handyman employed to do these jobs - there was absolutely no need for her to do ANY OF THIS)

It is amazing what being resigned to a situation can do. She suddenly realised it was not going to be 'perfect' because it just couldn't be, what with the bathroom sink being propped up in the hallway.

We had a very gentle, laid back day where everyone helped in the kitchen and she kept saying how much she enjoyed the fact that she was part of the day rather than doing a hundred and ten things at once. We got a little tense when she decided she 'deserved a drink' as it had all gone so well, but we distracted her when she was looking for the bottle for a second glass and then she fell asleep on the sofa.

So yes, it went well.

It apparently was my cousin's turn - One of my millions of Aunts, after inviting the family, refused all offers of help or bring food - got so drunk she had a screaming match with everyone, served starters and pudding and totally forgot the main (it was still on the side boxing day evening when she woke up). Has no recollection of the day, or how mean and rude she was so is massively minimising the whole thing as 'people being overly sensitive'. The whole extended family just packed up drove home Christmas Day her behaviour was so bad. Now she is doing that thing where you feel bad but rather than admitting you are ashamed of your behaviour you go on the offensive and blame everything and everyone else.

Families, eh.

I can't help it but I feel sorry for her.

And you can't cancel when she has done all that food.

Sorry, I feel for you too, OP. It's not easy, I know.

Glad it was "ok" OP. Happy New Year!

So pleased it was ok. The bathroom disaster/strained back was a blessing in disguise. See you in 3 years 11 months OP!