Its already started - Christmas Overwhelm - Mother

[FrozenLimeMargarita]

We go to my mother every four years, on rotation between inlaws, other family and one for ourselves. She moans every year we don't go. We could go more often as she would love it, but she makes Christmas so unpleasant, every time by ironically wanting it to be picture perfect.

We carefully agreed on a very simple menu at the beginning of the year to try and head the same old drama off at the pass - but I called today and it is out the window. We all just want to go up and enjoy her company. She didn't even need to cook - but she refused to be taken out and promised she will keep it low key.(she lives alone and likes her own space so won't travel, and will not come to us even if we go - she always wants us to go to her)

Suddenly she has three types of meat for the main, two starters and loads of side dishes. She making homemade pates in seven different flavours - in cute pots. Hand making Christmas decorations, printing menus out. She has baked puddings, pies, and cookies (there are only three of us!!) She has decided to do a cherry chocolate bombe on the day. Today she is making lemon curd, jams and chutneys. Planned to bake a German bread and have Bratwurst and homemade mulled wine at midnight. All of this sounds wonderful right - but actually, what happening is she is just getting frantic and winding herself up and is already complaining that shes running out of time and getting stressed already.

Yet gets irate if you point out its just not necessary - three people don't need a twelve pot selection of pates

and so it begins....

The creeping overwhelm where she wants it to be 'perfect' and gets herself so tightly wound up that by the time we get up there, she's in a foul mood, the tension is palpable and explodes as soon as one little thing doesn't go to plan. Then she starts to have a drink or two to 'calm down' or gets combative if you suggest not drinking, so it makes her go harder - then she gets overly emotional, distressed then angry.

If you watched that episode of 'The Bear' and were triggered - you know exactly what I mean.

Would it be unreasonable to just fake an illness

please send the gin now, my tongue has holes in it!!!
arghhhhhhh

@FrozenLimeMargarita obviously not because of you 🤗🤗

could she be encouraged to whip up the vegetarian alternatives? I'll go on your behalf!

it'll make a change to my 'not my choice 'Christmas Day'.

though as I said earlier, having a 'my' Christmas Day on an alternative day and the Sacrificial Day on Christmas Day is slightly less painful.

But she does enjoy it, did you miss that bit. She honestly thinks she does enjoy it. She slo is lonely and no one other person actually visits her. 1 in 4 is a consssion we can make.

I also thought I cracked it this year by agreeing up front the whole fucking menu in June. We agreed in June Every. Single. Detail. That should give you some idea how unhinged it gets - I was doing damage limitation IN JUNE.

We discussed:

Coming here - veto'd
Us taking her out for dinner - veto'd
A alcohol ban - agreed (Backed up by a promise that we would leave)
We would buy the food - Agreed (and we paid the butcher directly)

That way, no overwhelm. Everyone knows where they stand.

Thats why I was so frustrated when suddenly we have three meats and more pate than three humans will ever need......

This!

I so miss my mother, miss the drama, miss everything. Miss the last Christmas dinner we cooked together for 17 people when I sat down to a stone cold dinner….

Room for another??

I don't cook (thank me later) but I can peel brussel sprouts like a pro, pour drinks & entertain the children...

I love playing games.

Yes she does.

Does your brother not do a Christmas with her

So I quite understand why you go.

The OP said they're NC and she is not to be mentioned

@FrozenLimeMargarita I feel for you, but you realistically have only 2 options. Let her get on with it and suck up the inevitable bad behaviour from her. Or tell her you aren't coming unless she sticks what you agreed to in June - and you have said that you don't want to do that.

I understand where you are coming from, I really do. For different reasons I had to put up with my Mother EVERY Christmas as no-one else wanted to. Like you, I felt sorry for her, but looking back on it now, I wish I had refused to do it every year, and/or laid down boundaries and stuck to them.

Not much help with advice, but sending a hand hold

She sounds lonely and Christmas obviously means a huge deal to her as she gets to be with you. Do you see her enough during the year? Tell her gently that if she’s getting stressed, she should cut down the number of dishes and that you don’t mind at all. Definitely don’t decide to leave her high and dry. That’s mean. It’s only a day.

After spending 3 Christmas alone, no wonder she wants to make this extra special.
I feel sorry for her.

Can you go and see her in tge next couple of weeks? Maybe have lunch (you bring?) and talk to her about all the issues and why this upsets you so much. Plead with her if you will.

Bring her the written Menu you agreed with her back in June. Go over it with her. Maybe give her the chance to make a couple of minor additions or amendments. Pin the agreed version up in the kitchen. (Take a photo... and send it to her every time you sense she is at risk of going overboard again.)

I'd also take control of the alcohol on the day. Make it clear that if she drinks excessively you will leave. And do so if it happens.

NB: I actually feel quite sorry for her, being alone at Christmas 3 years out of 4. This must be so hard for her, especially as she is getting older. Do you not visit her on Christmas Eve or on Boxing Day?

I'm wondering if her own behavior has lead to her being alone.
Unless you have had a significant number of family occasions ruined by an explosive, abusive screaming fit it might be hard to understand just how unpleasant this is.
There is an inexorable slow burn of building tension until the overwhelming explosion. Which will include vitriolic words, often things being thrown and then afterwards hours of sobbing hysteria laden down with self loathing and meaningless introspection.
It does not make for a good time.

When you all sit down to eat say “DM haven’t you forgotten something, and refuse to say what “
that should tip her over the edge.
😉😁😁.

“Mum, back in June we spoke and agreed a menu. It was [whatever]. Part of the reason we do that is because every Christmas we have had with you involves you buckling under the pressure of the too-big plans you make. We do not want that again. We want to spend time with you, eating the food we agreed back in June. Can we do that, please?”

I am looming or even looking at my 70's. Considering the local Halal restaurant as an option.

@FrozenLimeMargarita my late DM was EXACTLY the same. Used to get herself so wound up that the day was ruined by the time it arrived. I really sympathise but have very few coping strategies save for grinning and bearing it and heaving a huge sigh of relief on Boxing Day…

Other activities are available.

@FrozenLimeMargarita - you wrote "This is the conversation that started today's post.
She started to cry that I was being 'critical' and 'I am just as bad' (that was corker of of a lie lol) I was 'ruining it for her'. She then decided not to listen repeatedly said just said 'she likes doing it'."

What you need to do here is be firm.
Keep repeating the same comments "No, mum, I don't want pate or chutney so please stop making them. No one in the family will eat it so it's a complete waste of your time." and "Mum, we want to spend Christmas with you but if you keep going the way you are, we'll have to cut our visit to you short because we cannot have these mood swings" or find something that she is doing or saying that she is going to do, fix on that and keep pointing out how it is either a waste of money, waste of time. Would that be something that she could not take as a personal affront and come to terms with?

I feel really quite sad for your mum op. The Christmases she spends alone must be unbearable. Now her turn has finally come, and of course she wants to make it special, she genuinely may never have another one with all of you, given her age. But even if she does, she has three more to get through by herself… having already lost a child.

No wonder it’s too much.

I find this so heartbreaking op. Gut wrenchingly sad.

I agree @Artistbythewater it's very sad. I for one think those who say 'just don't go' really don't get it.

@FrozenLimeMargarita you sound like a thoughful daughter and you know your Mum needs you to go. The extra pressure on you is partly due to your brothers decision. People who decide to go NC often fail to see the knock on consequences.

I read your initial post and laughed at the ridiculousness of it all but reading your updates she sounds incredibly difficult and this is obviously not just about puddings or whatever. She has serious issues. Honestly I think you need to suck it up and go, try to talk to her about not doing so much. Try to work with her to be perfect and praise her work.

This is possibly bad advice but I'd be taking a leaf out of her own book and having a lot to drink that day to take the edge off.

This is that Christmas episode of "The Bear".

Wow, reading all that for you to casually drop in at the end that's she's an alcoholic. That's the important bit. Everything else is just an extension of that.

She is almost certainly an alcoholic because she can’t live with the pain and loneliness day in and day out. It’s probably keeping her alive right now.

Christmas isn’t a Christian festival. It was originally pagan/germanic winter festival called Yule or Saturnalia, originating in Europe (and Jesus is firmly Middle Eastern, if he existed). But to be honest, the roots are irrelevant anyway as it’s now a cultural, not truly religious festival in the western calendar, meaning everyone is or should be welcome to celebrate.
Why do Christians claim to be welcoming, then try to gatekeep who can celebrate a festival they already stole from another culture?