Its already started - Christmas Overwhelm - Mother

[FrozenLimeMargarita]

We go to my mother every four years, on rotation between inlaws, other family and one for ourselves. She moans every year we don't go. We could go more often as she would love it, but she makes Christmas so unpleasant, every time by ironically wanting it to be picture perfect.

We carefully agreed on a very simple menu at the beginning of the year to try and head the same old drama off at the pass - but I called today and it is out the window. We all just want to go up and enjoy her company. She didn't even need to cook - but she refused to be taken out and promised she will keep it low key.(she lives alone and likes her own space so won't travel, and will not come to us even if we go - she always wants us to go to her)

Suddenly she has three types of meat for the main, two starters and loads of side dishes. She making homemade pates in seven different flavours - in cute pots. Hand making Christmas decorations, printing menus out. She has baked puddings, pies, and cookies (there are only three of us!!) She has decided to do a cherry chocolate bombe on the day. Today she is making lemon curd, jams and chutneys. Planned to bake a German bread and have Bratwurst and homemade mulled wine at midnight. All of this sounds wonderful right - but actually, what happening is she is just getting frantic and winding herself up and is already complaining that shes running out of time and getting stressed already.

Yet gets irate if you point out its just not necessary - three people don't need a twelve pot selection of pates

and so it begins....

The creeping overwhelm where she wants it to be 'perfect' and gets herself so tightly wound up that by the time we get up there, she's in a foul mood, the tension is palpable and explodes as soon as one little thing doesn't go to plan. Then she starts to have a drink or two to 'calm down' or gets combative if you suggest not drinking, so it makes her go harder - then she gets overly emotional, distressed then angry.

If you watched that episode of 'The Bear' and were triggered - you know exactly what I mean.

Would it be unreasonable to just fake an illness

Anyway back to you op. Your mother needs therapy, but given that’s unlikely - next best thing is your sense of humour and some empathy. Just how bad was her childhood?

Ignoring somehting doesnt mean that you keep writing that you're ignoring it lol. You've written that twice now.

Maybe answer the question I asked you. Why don't you just not go if you don't like it

You're adults . You can stay in your own home if you want

This is a very strange thread. OP, I had no idea I had a sister 😁.

Many many commiserations. The poster who said something like ‘never get involved in a Christmas rota’ is correct.

You are correct, why is anyone questioning this?

Oh well @Sandygoldenbeaches, if something is true for you, it must absolutely be true for the rest of the country then!
Unless the majority population in the UK are deeply religious non Christian's, who have moved here from countries that don't have Christmas as a cultural occasion, you are talking out of your arse.

There's no way Christmas is 'just another day' for the majority in this or any other western nation.
If it was, there wouldn't be so many stressed out posters worrying about costs and family relations etc

Watching the episode of Bear was so uncomfortably painful, DH and I were both very struck with it. ( we had both experienced my DM in action)

I have dealt with it by simply not having any Christmas's with DM. Actually not having anything more than brief lunches out for some years now.

I refuse to go through them anymore or to make my dc experience them.

I think for my DM ADHD does play a role but it doesn't make it okay in any way.

I had to work hard not to go down the same perfectionist path because it is awful and the outbursts just ruin it for everyone.

I recognise a few of these traits in myself.

I would insist that she only does the main dinner and you will bring everything else. I was given "Boxing Day" and the room was so filled with food I had prepared it looked like the ghost of Christmas present had been again. ...

Its fun to think about it all but it can easily spiral.

That is very honest of you. Do you think it’s societal pressure?

Your opinion doesnt mean more than fact.

Have you even looked up statistics.

Are you aware that less than half the population of the UK ticked themselves as Christian, in the last census?

Sorry OP, I'm ignoring g from now on - didn't mean to contribute so much to the derailing of your thread

I am a perfectionist and also a terrible cook, so I never expect perfection 😂

My family used to do this, alongside running bets with changing odds around which family member would be the focus of the grand explosion.
But honestly just not going feels better.

I never understand women who do things they don't want to do, then complain about doing it. Just don't go

My heart goes out to every one that had a strong reaction to the the episode in The Bear.

I think it is is societal pressure, she was a child with children that wanted to it to be perfect. Even though she is now looming on her 70s its a pressure that only got worse over the years.

I don't think we have helped by moving the visit to every four years either - its made it all the more intense. But to be honest it was all we could cope with especially after swathes of the family cut her out and we were the only ones visiting - so the burden was not shared anymore.

People asking why she doesn't come to me, she refuses. She will not travel. even if we go get her and take her back. Also, she said 'I am as bad as her' to get a rise out of me because it is very much a lie. We are very laid back, mainly as a house full of drama as children makes you crave peace as an adult.

@Sandygoldenbeaches

last post to you.

the U.K. Is a Christian Country (well England is if we're getting right down to it)

At the institutional level, the Anglican Church maintains its status of religion of the state and the King is still Head of the Church: hence by law, England is still a Christian country

people calling themselves Christian in the census, is only 46%. But the remainder is made up of 'no religion or of one of loads more. It is still the highest single religion.

You could just not go.

People need to learn to say no!

Your last part.

That's what I said. Less than half of people in the UK are Christian.

OP, there is a solution. Just. Don't. Go.
You don't enjoy it.
Your mother doesn't enjoy it.
You need to stop all.this nonsense - maybe book a few days away over Christmas?

I agree. If both of you don't enjoy it, what's the point.

Do your own thing.

❤

Because some people are kind and put others first.

Give it a go

So does she spend the other 3 alone?

Sounds like lovely food. Why don't you suggest you help her make it all at hers? We usually have a huge Christmas with children, grandchildren and great-grandchildren, in-laws etc. Everyone cooks something and we play games afterwards and quietly get sozzled. It's nice.