Its already started - Christmas Overwhelm - Mother

[FrozenLimeMargarita]

We go to my mother every four years, on rotation between inlaws, other family and one for ourselves. She moans every year we don't go. We could go more often as she would love it, but she makes Christmas so unpleasant, every time by ironically wanting it to be picture perfect.

We carefully agreed on a very simple menu at the beginning of the year to try and head the same old drama off at the pass - but I called today and it is out the window. We all just want to go up and enjoy her company. She didn't even need to cook - but she refused to be taken out and promised she will keep it low key.(she lives alone and likes her own space so won't travel, and will not come to us even if we go - she always wants us to go to her)

Suddenly she has three types of meat for the main, two starters and loads of side dishes. She making homemade pates in seven different flavours - in cute pots. Hand making Christmas decorations, printing menus out. She has baked puddings, pies, and cookies (there are only three of us!!) She has decided to do a cherry chocolate bombe on the day. Today she is making lemon curd, jams and chutneys. Planned to bake a German bread and have Bratwurst and homemade mulled wine at midnight. All of this sounds wonderful right - but actually, what happening is she is just getting frantic and winding herself up and is already complaining that shes running out of time and getting stressed already.

Yet gets irate if you point out its just not necessary - three people don't need a twelve pot selection of pates

and so it begins....

The creeping overwhelm where she wants it to be 'perfect' and gets herself so tightly wound up that by the time we get up there, she's in a foul mood, the tension is palpable and explodes as soon as one little thing doesn't go to plan. Then she starts to have a drink or two to 'calm down' or gets combative if you suggest not drinking, so it makes her go harder - then she gets overly emotional, distressed then angry.

If you watched that episode of 'The Bear' and were triggered - you know exactly what I mean.

Would it be unreasonable to just fake an illness

I wouldn't spend Xmas with an alcoholic. Did that for years when I had to (I was a child). It's awful for everyone. Why do you think that you need to put yourself through it yet again?

OMG, OP. I thought my parents were mad. They are - but they’ve never yet done that. Huge hugs. That’s horrendous. I’m really sorry it’s so difficult ❤️

Two options that might help:

1. You invite her to join you each fourth Christmas. You really want to host her/won't take no for an answer. Either she comes or you don't get together that Christmas.

2. My go-to - Christmas is a season lasting 1st Dec to January. Go and visit her either before or after the big three days. I'd suggest before, since people usually feel weird doing Christmas early, but no such qualms about doing it a little late. She either won't make such a fuss, or she can't ruin your actual Christmas.

The one thing I wouldn't keep trying to do is change her - she's not going to stop drinking, and she's not going to stop making seven pates.

OK @FrozenLimeMargarita you are a kind and loving person. So I'll give you the way to see it through that lens. Christmas distresses HER. She can't regulate and can't cope. So it's actually kind and loving to only see her as drop-ins or with very firm boundaries for HER emotional health.

Does that work? You need to fit it in your head somehow. And I know guilt. Goodness do I know guilt. You're firmly in the FOG (fear, obligation, guilt) and are working against your best interests.

Are you Christians? Why are you celebrating?

People have nothing. Its utterly revolting and no there in no ADHD

????

eh?

I can't understand why people wind themselves up like this.
If you are a Christian, enjoy your special time. If not, enjoy some nice food and a midwinter rest and some sparkly lights. Enjoy your gifts.
Why do people do this weird rotation thing? Why is this woman going on about mounds of food?

I don't know what the second half of her post means.

But I know that a lot of people think "why do people celebrate Christmas when they are not religious in any shape or form".

I'm not bothered about Christmas because im not religious.

I remember when I was child I was really brainwashed.

I grew up in a Christian family.

I was absolutely convinced that Christmas was a time of year, like summer.

That it just happened and everyone celebrated it

It was only when I became an adult that I realised that it's not a time of year, it's actually a Christian celebration, and no other religions, atheists or agnostics celebrate it

Can you all go down with Covid?

What would happen if you said you will leave if she drinks?

Oh my God, all that cooking sounds terrifying.
What on earth happens to all the food afterwards? Surely the three of you can't eat even a fraction of it.

Can we please not make this thread one of the endless annual arguments about the nature of Christmas?

I'm atheist and celebrate. Midwinter celebrations are a feature of every culture with a winter. Christians overlaid their stuff on the existing traditions and if you want atheists and others to give it up, we'll keep food, lights, evergreens, mistletoe and all the rest. You can have gifts, the nativity and mass. Easter, you have the palms and fasting and we'll have the chocolate eggs!

Everyone wants us to be 'culturally Christian' when it benefits them, but we have to give up the one part that's actually fun.

@MrsTerryPratchett, sure. Take your point.

That's why I said enjoy your winter festival or a break or whatever people enjoy.

But I can't see why women are obsessing about pate on the 8th November!

You really are me!

I know people are telling you not to do it, to cut her off, to tell her no! But it's only once every 4 years. She will really treasure those times, even if she does appear to destroy them.

I miss my mum so much. She was incredibly difficult to be around, abusive to us as kids. But she was so vulnerable. I feel same as you, she was a product of her own upbringing and deserved compassion. The christmas' we sucked it up for her (and we did every 2 years!) weren't lots of fun, but they were worth it. Christmas is about giving. We gave to her.

When she's dead and gone you'll regret it if you don't see her for Christmas every 4 years. There may not be very many more.

I disagree with you.

I'm atheist and I hate Christmas.

What I hate about it, is that Christians assume that everyone celebrates it.

They put it absolutely everywhere. It takes over everything.

They wouldn't like it if Eid was everywhere for two months. On every television channel, in every single shop. For months.

They absolutely take over.

It shows a lack of respect for other religions and cultures and atheists.

Kind of like how you and @fedup33 are trying to take over the OPs thread?

I think my mother is also a narcissist OP. I've gone NC with her for a variety of reasons and my DB is LC. You need to make a choice. Either set boundaries and accept that it could end your relationship with her or continue and try and manage her behaviour to the best of your ability. Good luck!

Christmas is cultural - you don't have to be Christian or religious to celebrate it. It's a big deal for the majority of the population and observing the cultural norms of the UK is absolutely not disrespectful to other religions or to atheists ffs!

OP, I think it's reasonable for you to insist she visits you every 4th year on 'your' turn. She clearly cannot handle the self imposed pressure of hosting and she doesn't have a right to ruin Christmas for you. People who cannot behave themselves, to the point where they've drunk driven into neighbours cars and been to court on assault charges, should not be indulged or have everything on their terms, Not when it's negatively affecting other people.
You don't have to do things how she wants - she wouldn't be excluded from your life, only stopped from trashing the occasion.
If your brother can go nc, you could do this.

Oh dear (cough) you all have covid

Christmas is a religious celebration.

You said its a big deal to the majority of tne population. No its not. Its a big deal to some Christians. Other religons do not celebrate Christmas.

Thats more to do with capitalism than Christianity

The UK is not even a Christian majority country anymore.

In the last census, less than half of the population identified themselves as Christian.

I don’t identity as Christian but I still celebrate Christmas.

I'm not a hugely Christmassy person but your mum's menu sounds lovely - I'd love to be catered for like that on any occasion.